Do Sociopaths Know That They’re Sociopaths?

Basically, we are left traumatized because we come to the realization that we were nothing but a disposable, interchangeable, replaceable object to the narcissist. A total annihilation of our being just so the narcissist could get sex, care taking, and attention .


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I would venture to say that in past-times, “No,” but in current-times, “Yes.”  Why two answers? Because of the advent of social media, and the prevalence of open discussions from both victims of sociopaths, and self-proclaimed sociopaths, this wave of awareness is no-doubt hitting and then swallowing up the everyday and oblivious disordered individual himself.

How can the relationship-jumper, the sex addict, the liar, manipulator, seducer, and cheater not be hit by our onslaught of writings, postings, and our depressed and anguished screams and protests? These lowly-evolved and chaotic souls crawl around social-media searching for attention and stimulation – maybe even more so than we all do; we – the slightly less chaotic souls – who are in search for answers to why that individual caused so much chaos and destruction in our mind and soul.

I remember a much older female friend telling me years ago that I was dating a narcissist. I didn’t think and connect beyond: Narcissist, yeah sure, he certainly is fixated on his appearance. Now, not only me, but you as well, know this word to mean a person that exploits us for our good and caring nature, and who will likely not only leave us traumatized with a feeling of being taken advantage of, but with a sense of betrayal regarding our innocent idea of love.

Basically, we are left traumatized because we come to the realization that we were nothing but a disposable, interchangeable, replaceable object to the narcissist. A total annihilation of our being just so the narcissist could get sex, care taking, and attention. 

Flash-forward, past this narcissist boyfriend who I was warned about: I was later struck by a sociopath that used and abused me emotionally, mentally, and financially, and during this abuse, it was the year 2012 and I could go to the internet and Facebook to learn more about what happened to me. And don’t think that I didn’t start my own community page to reveal my abuser and send my page’s link to all his flying monkeys.

Just think: the narcissist-sociopath uses social-media for their advantage even more than we do; so, even they, are becoming increasingly self-aware of their abuse and who they are.    

But the true reality of the situation is this:  Even I am inundated with sociopath after sociopath article and am forced to stop and reflect: Hmmm…maybe I’m not an empath at all, but a sociopath? I mean, I kinda, sorta, fit some of the behaviors of a sociopath? In actuality, any self-reflective person has to stop and wonder the same thing.  

So, you are thinking, Well, the sociopath isn’t self-reflective … they never see themselves! Not true. Sociopaths appear intelligent because they’re constantly measuring and analyzing their environment and our reactions to their methods and overall behaviors. Narcissists may not self-reflect on their destructive behavior patterns, but they certainly self-reflect on how to improve their self-serving game so to get more narcissistic ego-rewards. 

Don’t forget: Sociopaths are social chameleons.  How can you be a social chameleon and not be self-reflective?

Here is the thinking of Mr. Oh, my town’s predator, and who is featured in my book:

  1. There’s pervert, co-predator, Lance over there, screwing all the lowly and desperate ladies, what a cool lifestyle, I’m envious of him, and since I’m way beyond my prime, and I’m a sex-addict, hanging out with him gives me that pervert-edge – I’m so ‘young’ and sexy trolling the cougar, dirty, old man bars with him – Give me attention and validation – even though these lowly ladies only want my food, house, and money, at least they’re smiling up at me, and stroking my ego (and other things), as I pay their way. (Most all narcissist-sociopaths are sexual predators and attract or cultivate co-predators.)
  1. Oh, there’s Lynna now. I do like to hang with her, but she’s not a dirty, old man pervert, but she’s fun anyway and we do cool things like hiking, and swimming, and visiting Buddhist Monasteries together; these distractions are all very stimulating and ease my constant sense of boredom. And in my other life, I am a loving, spiritual, guru man. Hopefully Lynna will give me sex, but if not, I’ll attract all the ‘healing’ yoga ladies with my inappropriately long hair. Plus, she’s educated, and a yoga teacher, and published a book, so I can use her credentials to impress my flying monkeys. (The narcissist self-promotes himself through the credentials of his partner/flying monkeys.)
  1. Wait, there’s Betty, The Fundamental Christian: I’m shifting over to yet another one of my lives: superficial, plastic, generic, meaningless, image only. Betty uses and abuses me for food, entertainment and favors, but strokes my ego while doing so, with words like, “You’re the greatest man ever … You’re a rock, a superman …” This makes me feel worthy and alive. Plus, she’s superficial, shallow, plastic, caked-on with products, and an overall generic Southern Californian – she serves my superficial and base-image well. But most importantly, I don’t mind going with her to her Fundamental Church because I can relate to the minister’s preaching about morality – I’m moral – and not to mention, I am attracted to the preaching minister because he’s focused and determined (I don’t have these traits, but believe that I do have these traits, but wish that I could have these traits – I know, my mind is a constantly revolving contradiction); and the minister is really good looking!  (Narcissists are not only shallow and into image only, but believe themselves to be moral and superior to others; the God Complex; Delusions of Grandeur.) 

Yes, most narcissist-sociopaths have some self-awareness; that is if he/she is not primarily delusional, or in a prolonged state of schizophrenia. How can they be such savvy shape-shifters if they weren’t self-aware?

I believe that the most significant evidence of their being somewhat self-aware is this: They know how to act completely loving and doting toward us in public, to impress others and their flying monkeys, but behind closed-doors, they act cruel, vicious, and heartless towards us.   

And as I too wrote: We’re going through a subconscious-shift in awareness (some of us are more aware than others) that’s penetrating our material world; and because of social-media, many of us are able to not only express, but project our thoughts, opinions, and observations regarding what happened to us, and who and what these predators, users, and abusers are. Our wave of thoughts, speeches (who amongst us hasn’t called someone a narcissist or sociopath lately?), and writings have certainly hit upon and impacted the narcissist-sociopath as well.  

The real question is: How many of us are going to continue with our own pattern of being so desperate for the approval of someone else – so desperate for love – that we allow these people to continue growing in strength by allowing them to love bomb us and have almost immediate sex with us; and by giving them permission to enter and take over our lives without first laying down standards and requirements of a relationship, and without using our discerning intelligence and mental awareness? 

Lynna, Author of the book, “My Sociopath”

(article slightly edited from its original publication date of 9-29-18)

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Narcissists Are Love-Addicts

Narcissists don’t set out to be abusive. They become abusive when the fantasy-idealized image of their Fairytale Love Relationship turns into real life and real responsibility; when he’s held accountable. In fact, narcissists and sociopaths are love-addicts but lack the necessary tools to create and maintain healthy and adult relationships. The narcissist becomes abusive toward the current partner during the devalue and discard stage of the relationship, or when he becomes obsessed and fixated on finding his next ‘perfect and idealized love image. ‘

It’s a misnomer that narcissists/sociopaths do not love. They love intensely … but it’s not a love that most of us know of, or understand – it’s not a love of responsibility, accountability, loyalty, or partnership.  A narcissist’s version of love is the fantasy-idealization stage. This is where they believe they met the person of their dreams who will forever fulfill their life needs. What this actually means is: Another person that will forever cater to the narcissist’s intense emotional and mental needs by being constantly compliant, attentive, nurturing, giving, soothing … basically a person that will be a mind-reading caretaker. Narcissists are attracted to nurse aides, teachers, and caretakers.

Narcissists cannot self-soothe, self-satiate, self-fulfill, or build their own sense-of-self through hard work and discipline. It’s the admiring and validating reflection of others that energizes a narcissist. In the beginning stages of a relationship – we are fawning all over the narcissist’s image personified – and we are also portraying ourselves as ‘the best, unconditional loving, and most compliantly loving woman and caretaker he will ever have.’ This is also known as the honeymoon period and both parties participate in this fantasy.

Narcissists are in love in this beginning period of the relationship – their version of love, ah hum, lust, and they do believe that we will be their Fairytale Princess who will complete their lives … forever. But a narcissist doesn’t  want to deal with reality – the ups-and-downs of a relationship – the partnership aspect of a relationship – the get-down-and-dirty, work, build, and sacrifice part of a relationship. Narcissists haven’t emotionally developed beyond a 3-year-old playing in a sandbox, grabbing the shovel from the little girl, and putting a dramatic show on until all the mothers on the playground pay attention to him only, and are forced – out of social awkwardness –  to tell him and his mother how cute he is. Narcissists believe that they get to do what they want to do, when they want to do it, and still have a ‘relationship,’ or should I say, still have a nice, compliant, and doting woman waiting for him at home. 

When real life and real responsibility sets into his current relationship, the narcissist-sociopath re-creates another fantasy-idealized partner that will be his ‘fix.’ This idealized-image can be anyone: a co-worker, someone on Facebook, a neighbor, his current partner’s friend or sister.  It’s a repeat of his delusional mind-programming: The next woman, a new woman, will be the perfect lover, angelic kitchen goddess, and caretaker; she will be his soulmate; she will fill his void.  It was always the sociopath or narcissist in my life that told me – soon after meeting me – that he believed me to be his soulmate; but in strange contrast – me, being a woman and all – never talked such foolishness. The narcissist-sociopath believes himself to be fourteen and his fantasy-idealized girl will be all food, f*cks, fun;  no responsibility, no hard work, no sacrifice, no equality. The narcissist lives for the honeymoon period; this is where he is the happiest and most energetic. 

Picasso’s ‘Head of a Woman’

I don’t believe that the narcissist-sociopath sets out to be abusive; but to the contrary, he sets out to be that Knight on The Whitehorse. In fact, most, if not all, narcissists see themselves as good and loving human beings. But because the narcissist-sociopath lacks basic human qualities of an evolved and mature man such as possessing integrity, character, loyalty, focus, discipline, and the ability to delay gratification, he destroys everything he touches – including his once fantasy-idealized princess. Soon after the love-bombing, honeymoon period, lust stage goes away, and real life and real responsibility sets in, the narcissist grows bored and needs his next ‘fix;’ a new and adoring ‘princess.’

When the narcissist-sociopath devalues his current partner and relationship, and fantasy-idealizes another person, he becomes abusive to his current partner. In his delusional mind, he blames his current target for destroying his ‘perfect life of food, f*cks, and fun.’ To take this a step further: The narcissist believes he is entitled to a life of food, f*cks, and fun – and a willing partner that will happily – without saying a word and without asking for anything – go along with this lifestyle.

Let’s face it: When he is love-bombing us, we’re playing the role of the happy, smiling, doting, cool and accepting, little girl standing in the corner and compliantly worshiping our big, hero man with a huge and fantastic penis. So, in a way, we too pulled the rug out from under the narcissist’s belief that we were his perfect, quiet and sacrificing princess. I mean come on, we’re tired and worn out from catering to all his baby brat needs and soothing away all his emotional mind-fuckery trickery.  (I digressed with the “fantastic penis” add in, but allow me to digress even further: most narcissists don’t have great sexual prowess – we only believe they do because we’re being love-bombed by our White Knight; and if they do, by chance, have anything spectacular going on down there: it’s dirty!). 

I believe the narcissist-sociopath is a love-addict and his abusive nature sets in when his fantasy-idealization delusion of ‘the perfect love’ is shattered. As many of us already know, many narcissists are sex-addicts, but in this realization, we didn’t think further in that many sex-addicts are also love-addicts.  But the thing is, they don’t have the ability to keep loving relationships going because they’re not loyal or trustworthy, and they’re prone to boredom, and they have no ability to delay gratification and self-soothe. I believe narcissists and sociopaths desperately want love, but have no evolutionary skills to obtain it (heck, they don’t even have a moral compass).

A narcissist wants and craves in us the unconditional love of a mother but does such horrible things that a truly loving ‘mother’ would beat the sh*t out of him and thus, do a service for the well-being of humanity.   

Narcissists and sociopaths turn abusive after the idealization stage of the honeymoon period is over. During the love-bombing stage, well, they’re not only very loving, but they believe in love. But it’s not an adult concept of real and enduring love; it’s a fun and f*ck love. When the narcissist half wakes-up from his delusion of fantasy, Fairytale Love, and has to be accountable and responsible, he becomes abusive to the target in place. The narcissist devalues and discards as a way to not only preserve his fragile ego and masked sense-of-self, but to balk at another ruined relationship and to give himself permission to seek refuge, solace, and redemption in the ‘love’ of yet another perfect and idealized image of ‘love.’

Lynna, Author of the book, “My Sociopath”

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Image Credit: Picasso’s ‘Head of a Woman’ (1960) ©2014 SUCCESSION PICASSO/ARTIST RIGHTS SOCIETY (ARS), NEW YORK

The Fast Moving Relationship: Love Bombing and Fantasy Idealization

Narcissists and sociopaths Fantasy Idealize. They have to live in a perpetual state of the honeymoon period where everything is fun, f*cking, and eating; no responsibility, protection, loyalty, stability toward the other person is required; it’s all lust and infatuation – though both parties believe this to be love.

At this stage, the narcissist has no financial or moral responsibility toward the target. The narcissist’s elaborate and inappropriate gift-giving at the beginning of the relationship doesn’t count as ‘financial or shared responsibility with a partner.’ He is foolishly and elaborately spending money on her to not only seduce and manipulate her, but to capture her. As far as “moral responsibility” goes, it’s easy to be faithful to someone during the exhilarating fun, f*ck, and eat stage. He is at the ‘start line’ of the race and the real marathon, the hard work, has yet to begin.  

The beginning of a relationship is where the narcissist-sociopath is on his extreme dopamine high and his energy, stamina, and hopefulness is at its highest and most powerful. The narcissist feels like Superman when he is cultivating and manipulating new supply to love, f*ck, and adore him. This usually comes as a new, or ‘pure source’ of love. Though the narcissist will return to former partners to love-bomb them all over again, it’s never at the same intensity as the first love-bombing session. Previous targets are not so quick to blindly worship the narcissist because they know, or at the least, partly understand, who the narcissist is behind the mask.

I must explain what a “pure source” is: A new person that is struck down by her own Fantasy Idealization (it takes two to Fantasy Idealize) of someone whom she just met. She believes that she just met her Superman, her White Knight. She can’t believe her luck because before him, her life was lackluster, desperately dismal and difficult. He is mirroring her – giving her everything she ever wanted or needed – to cultivate her into being his magical-elixir that will satiate him, fill his void, and complete him. In this new relationship, she is worshiping him, idealizing him, fawning over him, obsessing over him, pleasing him, and obeying him; she is playing her own part in the Fantasy Idealization game. She believes that this quick lust, love-bombing, and infatuation is real love and he is the White Knight that she not only deserves, but has been waiting for. 

White Knight

There is no discord, as of yet, in this new, fantasy, perfect love relationship. There is no holding him accountable or responsible; no real life. They are like playmates on the playground playing doctor. Mr. Oh, who is featured in my book, said to me, “When you spend the night in my room, I feel like I’m six years old again, camping in my room with my little girlfriend who lived next door.” Narcissists want us to be their childhood ‘girlfriend’ from their 1st grade class, or neighborhood; all fun and no responsibility.

Since the narcissist has no ability to self-satiate, self-soothe, self-regulate, and self-reward himself through his own independent and higher-level focused and goal-oriented work, this fantasy-obsession relationship is his reward, his ‘trophy’ to prove that he is the most powerful of all male specimens – with the most powerful of all penises –  and thus, he is indeed Superman or a White Knight. Most narcissists and sociopaths are also sex-addicts.

This stage is where our outer appearance is Fantasy Idealized as well. In his eyes, we are the most beautiful woman in the world because we are a reflection of him. He believes himself to be the most handsome, so of course, he only gets the most beautiful women. I suppose this is good for our self-esteem, but this will only serve our egos well during the Fantasy Idealization stage; upon being devalued and discarded, we will hate ourselves even more than we did before he came along.

When the chase, the hunt, is over for the narcissist – when he captured us and got us under his control – when he’s unraveled all layers of our mystique and we are no longer a mystery to be had, obtained and mastered – when life becomes rote and routine with us – the narcissist finds us less desirable in not only looks, but overall. We are now a ‘tainted source’. He starts to see our flaws; though these same “flaws” may not be flaws at all in the eyes of someone who is of a healthier mindset.

As his boredom takes over, we do not only become less desirable, but he will find most everyone else, within reason, more attractive (though they may not be attractive at all). He may still have sex with us but he is thinking about other potential targets to be conquered. He’s returned to his own Fantasy Idealized world. But let’s not forget: We also Fantasy Idealized him and his looks when he was love-bombing us into the stars. It’s not until we begin to recover from the trauma, that we see him as both a terrible person and unattractive, and think, what on earth was I thinking?

As further explained in my book: Most narcissists are not the most attractive people. The stereotypical tall, dark, handsome narcissist with the chiseled features that immediately comes to mind is a creation of Hollywood movies. Most narcissists struggle with an inferiority complex and thus, learned to compensate by manipulating, conning, cultivating, and seducing others to like them.  Whereas healthier-minded people try to develop themselves to their highest potentials in order to attract healthy relationships, the narcissist cultivates, manages, and manipulates how others feel about him and perceive him. In essence, they mirror us, so that we mirror them back; so that we fawn all over them, and soothe and satiate their inferiority and emptiness.

When the narcissist-sociopath is not in the honeymoon high, he is prone to feeling bored, lethargic, de-energized, and unmotivated. Mr. Oh told me that he has gone through bouts of depression. I found this hard to believe because he’s the manic, fun loving, entertaining, town predator who is always chasing and paying for people’s attention, sex, and fawning (dinners and entertainment). He believes that he has regained his fleeting self-worth when he gets a woman to worship and adore him, have sex with him, and be impressed by his penis size. Upon further investigation, I discovered that his so-called bouts of depression coincide with the ‘empty spaces’ in his life between cultivating someone – making someone fall in love with him – or when a woman isn’t fawning over his penis size and sexual prowess; when he’s not experiencing a new romance or having that wild and new sex.

I have been using the word “cultivate” throughout this writing because it is the perfect terminology to describe what a narcissist – an emotional and sexual predator – does to gain new supply and flying monkeys. He cultivates people to love and adore him because in this, he finds temporary relief from his detached soul – his emptiness – his void. Narcissists are incomplete humans until we come along to swoon over them and make them feel whole again – to feel worthy; the unconditional love of a mother.

The Flight from Disunity: Thomas Merton

The narcissist seeks the unconditional love of a mother even though his behaviors toward us are cruel and abusive; he still expects our love, loyalty, and dedication. He’s not loyal to us – or others – but he expects loyalty toward him. Despite the claims of other writers that the narcissist-sociopath plots, plans, and knows that he’s destroying us, I don’t agree with this. The narcissist, like most of us, is in an automatic-programming for survival. However, his ‘programming’ is bad (for lack of better words). Likely caused by childhood neglect and abuse, or the extreme opposite, childhood entitlement.

The main influence for his toxic dysfunction was his mother: Mother’s Emotional Body (coined in my book, “My Sociopath”). For instance, I don’t plan out my emotional reactions toward many of my life situations; for the most part, I react out of lifelong conditioning and habit that was learned in childhood – from my mother. My mother has similar emotional reactions and coping-skills toward most of her life situations and the people in her surroundings as I do. Going on this, I don’t believe that the narcissist understands that he is a destroyer. He rationalizes away most of his harmful behaviors as he was the one being slighted, or mistreated, and he needed to defend or preserve himself. Perhaps he realizes his most detrimental acts, but it’s still likely that he dismisses away their full and destructive impact on others.

It’s our glowing-reflection upon the narcissist that determines his current mindset; the fact that he has manipulated and staged our perception of him doesn’t matter.  I can feel contentment when taking my dog for a joyful and peaceful walk; narcissists cannot find this same contentment because the trail, the sidewalk, the path, the trees aren’t going to applaud him on, fawn over him and worship him, compliment his penis or prowess, tell him how handsome and sexy he is, or moan with ecstasy during love-making (even fake ecstasy sounds – the narcissist does not care).

I learned to use the word “cultivate” from Mr. Oh. I discovered lists, many lists, of women’s names in his possession. They were random women: women at his job in a popular Southern California grocery store; women in his neighborhood; women he saw in yoga classes; waitresses and barmaids; hundreds of names. All names contained the underlining and unspoken hope, the Fantasy Idealization, that she, or perhaps her, would be his magical-elixir, his Ultimate Doting, Obeying, Fawning, Sex, Kitchen, House-Cleaning and Mothering Goddess.

One or more of these names, on one or more of these lists, would surely fix him, make him feel more complete, take away all his loneliness and fill his void, and be his mother’s unconditional love. In return, he’d just have to provide a penis, some semblance to a man – an authoritative and controlling air, perhaps a bit of a ‘bad boy’ tone to it, and some food and shelter; but he would still be able to do whatever he wanted to do, whenever he wanted to do it. Of course, he’s not actually mentally thinking through all this, and he’s on his best and most ‘loyal’ behavior during the love-bombing – because he really does believe in the White Knight and Damsel in Distress fantasy. A narcissist-sociopath never emotionally and mentally matures beyond 6-year-olds camping in his bedroom.

boy girl love

Narcissists want to be in a relationship and yet, they soon want to play the ‘relationship game’ by their own rules; rules which we know nothing about and rules which have nothing to do with a relationship anyway. Basically, the rules are, or the rule is: He gets to feed, flatter, f*ck, cultivate, and seduce most anyone – of course, they’re all just “friends” – to satiate his f*cked-up mess of an ego, and we are expected to be loyal, smiling, and doting throughout.  

Putting all my findings together, I remembered that Mr. Oh told me that he puts women up to the “Two second test.” If a woman looks at him – meets his eyes – for more than two seconds, then he believes that she finds him attractive. Mr. Oh’s ‘test’ is scary because I often look at men whom I feel sorry for, or I just want to show a bit of human kindness toward, or perhaps, I’m just looking in an unconscious direction. Yes, Mr. Oh is the town’s sexual and emotional predator, a serial cultivator, relationship jumper, love-bomber and then destroyer, but he also fits the stereotypical definition of a narcissist: a person who is obsessed with their own looks – their own image; they feel superior in looks, intelligence, and in power to the rest of us … The God Complex. 

Mr. Oh’s “Two second test” is a way in which he gauges his worth – his attractiveness, power and superiority – to ensure that he can continue to successfully manipulate and control his external environment (people and situations). The narcissist-sociopath has no internal control for delayed gratification in order to achieve a fundamentally better and stronger life with real and healthy relationships and accomplishments – or to obtain a safe and steady foundation for himself and those who are closest to him – so everything he does is a means to manage and manipulate the perception that others see of him.

I once said to Mr. Oh, “All you do is love-bomb people … you go from one love-bombing relationship to the next.” He replied, “But that’s where it’s the most fun.” Yes, Mr. Oh does have a point. However, as we grow, mature, and evolve we realize that there is also “fun” in building a real, solid, safe, secure, and flourishing foundation and life with another person who we are largely compatible with and can show lasting kindness and mutual respect toward. This is known as our evolution as humans, or even just plain ol’ maturity. However, narcissists-sociopaths don’t evolve, nor do they ever mature. They all stay within the same mentality as Mr. Oh’s “little six-year-old neighborhood girlfriend camping overnight in his bedroom.”

Stability does not equate to boredom; that is only in the eyes of the sociopath. Stability in many of life’s important aspects (financial; protection of your partner, family, home, and everyone’s future), lessens the chances of suffering mothers and their children and pets, and keeps these same individuals out of poverty, dysfunction, mental illness, and misery; as well as better assuring that the younger generation does not repeat this same toxic dysfunctional pattern. You will never have peace, safety, wellness, or stability with a narcissist or sociopath.

But most of all, we must put our own egos aside to intelligently question any person that seems too into us, too quickly, without even knowing who we really are.  It feels good to be idealized, love-bombed, and to be “The Chosen,” but everything in life comes at a cost; nothing ever comes for free (forgive the cliche). Mr. Oh targets just about anyone but it’s the older woman who is lonely, struggling, desperate for love and attention, and who is newly divorced that succumbs quicker and easier to his seductions.  We all want to be loved and taken care of, but we all need to be smarter and realize that we must first take care of, and protect ourselves, and our loved ones. 

Contact me for your promotional-rate phone consultation on how to deal with a relationship with a narcissist, or the trauma you are suffering because of a relationship with a narcissist or sociopath.

Lynna, Author of the book, “My Sociopath”


The Sociopath’s Delusion of Attractiveness. It’s His Primal Need to Subjugate and Horny Delusion.

Of course sociopaths and narcissists want to be around “attractive” people and intimate partners; and of course, all of us want to believe we are attractive.

BUT…sociopaths and narcissists are so out-of-control with their addiction to receiving CONSTANT validation and attention that when a prospective new target stimulates them by providing them with approval, they will Fantasy Idealize the target as “Gorgeous-Like Perfection,” and this “Gorgeous-Like Perfection” is – and will ever be – smitten by his “Great, Manly Godliness.”

Love and Longing in Art: Orpheus and Eurydice
Love and Longing in Art: Orpheus and Eurydice

In essence, he is fantasizing her into being the fantasy he has about himself.

This is why he is obsessed with nudity and porn and social-media images of his sexual preference: he is deluding himself that her “perfection” matches his “perfection” and they will soon meet and she will fall forever in love with him. Hence, this “perfect, sexual goddess” will choose him ABOVE all others and in addition, she will be his maid, mother, cook, and care-taker as well.

Sociopaths and narcissists want Mother Goddess and Sexual Diva all wrapped up in one.

The sociopath is purely animalistic and operates on a primitive level: Sex, Food, Attention, Gratification, Materialism, Shelter.

However, the sociopath lives in a delusion and of course no one is perfection, and in fact, most people don’t look that great naked and without their hair products and makeup; and pornography and naked images and social media are pure illusion: inauthentic personality via words and claims; body and full face makeup; hair-extensions; cosmetic surgery; special lighting, and editing.

The Sociopath Delusion of meeting his Perfect Goddess is built up during the Honeymoon Phase of Infatuation and Lust. She is falling for his Charm and Perfection and in turn, she is acting with great Charm and Perfection. He is horny; she is horny. To take this further: both male and female are in a state of Horny Delusion.
However, the difference lies in the fact that the non-disordered person does not lie, slander, smear, cheat and destroy when the Horny Delusion fades away. The non-disordered person can transmute feelings of infatuation and gratification-seeking into compassion, loyalty, protection and steadfastness; whereas, a sociopath or narcissist will never be true, steadfast or loyal.

When the Horny Delusion fades away, the sociopath will grow bored and realize that he is not with Perfection, Mother Goddess and Sexual Diva. The Horny Delusion fades away when real life happens: she calls him out on something; she demands truth, loyalty and consistency; she expects him to ACT like a REAL man.

This is when he will start seeing our “faults” and “imperfections.” Well, to him, these are “faults” and “imperfections;” but, in fact, we are human.

Sociopaths don’t want a real human being: they want a Fantasy Doll that blinks – in slow motion – her big, fake, plastic eyelids at him, and all the while, saying nothing…well, except for complimenting him.

When the lustful, honeymoon period is over and he has conquered us and we start expecting REAL…he will see our “imperfection”…and then he will grow angry, bitter, and hostile and viciously turn on us because his fantasy delusion of “His Perfection and Our Perfection makes for a Great Match” is shattered…
When his horny infatuation for us dies away, he starts emerging into reality, which is boredom or death to him, and hence, he starts seeing the truth and drudgery of everyday life and people, and through seeing our “faults,” he becomes aware of his own infallibility and lack of perfection.

After we have been conquered and his lust and horniness fades away, he despises us because he sees himself and he despises himself. He only stops hating himself when he is chasing, idealizing, and conquering a new target.

He does not have REAL goals: his life focus is to gain the admiration and control of an Idealized Target. Through this, he believes he is “worthy.” In essence, he is gaining the approval of his mother because all sociopaths/narcissists have mother issues.

Sociopaths live in a Delusion and they don’t do Reality.

Though he is far from a great specimen of Adonis, he believes he is perfection, inside and out, and he believes he is deserving of The Perfect Woman…to MATCH who he is. And he only sees “perfection” when he is horny or idealizing and when he is being idealized in return.

This explains why you will see two extremes in regards to the sociopath’s list of past and current Idealized Targets:

1. The sociopath’s less than Ideal looking (or achieving) target while all along the sociopath is proclaiming that he only “gets the best and most beautiful women.”
2. An old or fat or bald or short or gross sociopath/narcissist saying, when in ANOTHER new relationship, and with a glow in his eyes: “We make a perfect match” with regard to someone of a far better quality than himself…

When in fact, normal people don’t categorize their exes, current partner, or sexual preferences at all…especially to another target.  

The sociopath is shallow, superficial, & delusional & only Fantasy Idealizes us when he BECOMES OBSESSED WITH CONTROLLING & CONQUERING US, HAVING SEX WITH US, AND GETTING US TO BE HIS MOTHER CARE-TAKER.

Lynna, Author of “My Sociopath – An Empath’s Soul Journey Among Sociopaths.”

The Top Five People, Besides the New Target, that The Sociopath Ingratiates

A main ingredient to the narcissist’s great skill of survival is his power to control his environment. What do I mean calling this a great survival skill? After all, anyone of us that has been through an intimate relationship with a narcissist is traumatized by the thought of what he did to us – in particular, the cruel discard and how he immediately moved on to his next ego source without giving us so much as a thought.

But how is he able to immediately move on, appear innocent and still have his supporters? Most of his family is still by his side and not to mention, his supporters and enablers are still “liking” the insane pictures he is neurotically splattering all over Facebook of himself with his supposed “new love.” Aren’t people seeing the freak-show in that he was just with YOU the other day and now he found the “most amazing woman in the world” …again…according to him?

One of the ways he accomplishes this is through Ingratiating. Ingratiating is a powerful tool in the narcissist’s arsenal and it is used to control and manipulate others in his/her environment. They ingratiate themselves to most everyone.

Ingratiate is defined as: bring oneself into favor with someone by flattering or trying to please them. (This does NOT hold true for the person with more psychopathic traits: these people are not as refined in their manipulation, nor as covert, and are more likely to manifest hatred, unlike the sociopath or narcissist.)false_words_socrates

Here are some “Hows” and “Whys” to his Ingratiating:

  1. Ingratiate The Target’s Support Network; Her Family, Friends:

    How? He is overly giving, helpful and nice to her social network. He makes himself appear as the best guy that she’s ever had. In addition, he acts tired, exhausted, martyred in that he has to do so much for her …THEIR family member…THEIR friend…He is the innocent, sacrificing, suffering that has to be the one that “helps” her.

Why? By taking control over her social environment, when things turn bad between them, he is supported and she is isolated and ostracized. This leaves her alone, feeling crazy and afraid because she is the only one that sees the truth in who he really is.

She is considered not credible and cannot defend herself. The more she defends herself, the crazier she looks.

When things get really bad, or when she starts putting up a fight against his destruction, he has laid the foundation to outright smear her.

  1. Ingratiate His Co-workers and Bosses:

    How? He is the guy at work that is always bringing food in, doing the favors for the bosses, working off the clock and is always telling everyone his Woe Is Me stories about being “unlucky in love” and “in a bad relationship.”

Why? He is NOT a hard and solid worker that can survive off his merit and character so he builds a niche for himself in the workplace: “The nice guy that’s generous, giving, helping everyone but always down on his luck.”

He creates his own job security; he is a non-threat, a socially awkward guy that can’t get laid. Women can’t understand why such a “great man” can’t get a woman, feel sorry for him, let down their guard in the belief that he is safe and stable, and this creates a Sex and/or Relationship Circle for him in the workplace.

  1. Ingratiate The Target’s Neighbors:

    How? He is the nice, cheerful neighbor that gets along with everyone.

    Why? When she starts screaming because of the confusion, chaos and gaslighting he causes, and the neighbors start becoming aware of the troubles in their home…he can face the neighbors with confidence and receive their support.

    He presents a down-trodden look of concern and confusion regarding the out-of-control spouse that he has to put up with. The neighbors sympathize with him and as a result, isolate her. She becomes too embarrassed to show her face and retreats inside the house. She avoids neighborly interaction and even resorts to only leaving the house when the neighbors are not around.psycholawlogycom

    This is what he wants: In addition to controlling her freedom of movement, he now controls the freedom of her psyche…and in and around the one place that is supposed to be her safe-haven.

Sociopaths don’t want you to be happy and this includes making you feel unsafe and unloved in your environment.

And he successfully manufactured an insidious alliance with his neighbors: He is the beloved neighbor that’s cruelly abused. He must be the most liked amongst everyone, including your neighbors.

  1. Ingratiate the people on social media:

    How? Always “liking” everyone’s posts. Excessively posting how fortunate he is and how much he is loved.

    Example: He loses his current job and destroys another relationship. He volunteers at a spiritual retreat center and gives the impression that it is a paying job and conveniently, as well, found a new, great relationship.

    Post images of himself at crowded events, concerts or in bars with people that he barely knows.

Why? Seeking cruel revenge on his former target. He’s a sadistic show-off and wants to torment his ex that he is happy and prospering without her.

Though he did everything to drive his last target away, he does not want her to ever be, again, an autonomous human being who moves on to be free and happy. He must remain the center of her existence. He torments former targets via social media.

Also, When he destroys another target, he can quickly and easily move on to someone else that he’s been ingratiating on social media.

He has built up a superficial image of a trusting and socially accepted person. The pictures of his “job” at the retreat center gives the impression that he is a stable, solid, and loved man and by an exclusive clientele. Not to mention, being involved with a spiritual place proves he is a kind and innocent victim of bad women. This covers up his inability to maintain a relationship, or a job, and in addition, puts him in a “spiritual light.”

The images that he displays with other people and his new, great relationship partner is to prove that he’s worthy of love and thus, the former partner was the bad one…the wrong one…the socially-rejected one.

Sociopaths are superficial and all the matters is IMAGE…IMAGE of people surrounding him. He does not ever achieve anything REAL in life, anything that requires individual hard work and creativity, because he is only ignited to feel energized through superficial approval and acceptance by People. He is the one that is picking up the tab to be included in these superficial picture-shows that will be used on social media.

  1. Ingratiate His Exes:

    How? Doing favors; offering a “listening and sympathetic ear;” taking them out for dinner and lunches…all the appearances of dating and being their ‘friend’ and confidant; and seeking pity for his current bad relationship.

    He keeps exes in his back pocket for when his current lustful, love-bombing period dies down or for when he realizes his current target is a real human being who expects a real and trustworthy relationship and that she is not just a sex-toy, that also plays ‘mother’ and doting care-taker.

    His quick, fanciful and delusional image that his current target is both “mommy caretaker and sex goddess” fades away so he manipulates his exes back around to fill his mass void.exes

    Why? He cannot be alone. He must be in a “relationship” for his life energy, for his identity, for the survival of his ego. His entire low-level ego-image depends upon being in a relationship with another person who is ‘loving’ him, who is paying attention to him. He cannot build or create anything REAL from within himself.

    His entire sense of existence depends upon whom he’s in a relationship with…how quickly he went from one relationship into the next. There cannot be any downtime between relationships because this represents death to his self, to his image…he must constantly create the external representation that he is loved and accepted by another human being. He cannot create anything else of significance.

    He is Paper Mache only.

    He keeps exes around, in his back pocket, for when his superficial and meaningless honeymoon period dissolves with his current target, and for when this current target expects him to be responsible, trustworthy and loyal, or for when he simply grows bored with her. For what ever reason, he uses exes for sexual stimulation and ego-strokes when not on this “high” with his primary target.

    Exes are used as transitional ego-sources between primary ego-sources.

(“He” used for simplicity of writing. This article applies to female narcissists/sociopaths as well.)

By Lynna, The Author of, “My Sociopath.” Now on sale at Amazon and Nook at Barnes and Noble.

Also Paperback at Barnes and Noble.

Lynna Kivela

Narcissists Take Complete Control of Our Entire Existence

Since Narcissists are NEVER at fault for anything…and everything must always be their way and on their terms…they will rage when you hold them responsible or call them out on something…when you finally put a stop to their taking over and consuming your entire being, presence, essence, existence…

See…this is why controlling, dominating, aggressive, bullying and overpowering people target kind, soft and yielding people to begin with: We allow our entire existence to be penetrated and consumed and right from the very beginning. We allow them to take us over – our time, our energy, and even our preferences.

He must infiltrate every aspect of our outer and inner life to feel loved, to feel accepted, to feel validated as a human – to feel as if he belongs among fellow living souls who DO have a sense-of-being…souls who DO have a sense-of-self…souls who DO have a sense-of-direction…ALL that he does NOT have and can only appear-to-have upon toxically attaching himself to us.

Michelangelo Dragon
Michelangelo Dragon

He feeds us his toxic-energy masked by love-gestures while sucking up and stealing our pure energy. Not only is this an exchange of energy but of souls…though we become toxic and de-energized as he grows more alive and more energized.

This is why he MUST Love-Bomb: He is exchanging his harmful energy – cleverly disguised to seem like healthy energy that we need (love, security and hope for the future) – with our truly loving, good, pure and grounded energy – infiltrating us – attaching the strings of his weak and ill soul into our healthy and strong soul.

Understand: He is a disconnected-soul floating along on an air-stream and can only ground himself when he has linked to our soul (our solid sense-of-being). This “linking” is of course toxic, controlling, manipulative, desperate, all-encompassing, and all-consuming…for he learned to toxically control and manipulate in childhood.

He must toxically link to us in this domineering and controlling way because otherwise he feels insecure, out of control, not completely loved, and lost and detached. He cannot act in moderation and with consistency and stability because this would feel, to him, that he is not securely attached within us…and that we may find someone else more attractive and lovable and thus, go elsewhere.

He thinks all people are insecurely attached…that we are all floating around attaching ourselves to this person and to that person. He, therefore, betrays us before we can betray him.

He must strangle and overpower our souls with the barbed wire of his insecurities so to feel “loved.”

Narcissists are co-dependent and extremely NEEDY and INSECURE.

He must achieve instant recognition and approval to feel loved, worthy and alive. This is why Narcissists will ingratiate themselves to anyone that they think matters: people that will give them sex, co-workers, bosses, people they think might have power or an “in” to something, and children that they have brainwashed, made co-dependent and created toxic bonds with.

Michelangelo Damned Soul
Michelangelo Damned Soul

He must be in CONTROL OF HOW OTHERS SEE AND PERCEIVE HIM…because through this…through controlling other people’s perceptions…he feels a control of souls…his within ours. This is why he will Smear and Triangulate those of us who go against the PERCEPTION that he is projecting outward to others. He must control everyone and everything…this includes the thoughts of others…what others think of him…or else he feels out of control. He does not only love-bomb intimate partners but will love-bomb others to control how they think of him and see him. Again, this indicates a person detached from soul.

People who are linked to and guided by their own soul do not ingratiate (instead are wholesomely charming), nor do they look to others for validation, approval, or superficial and meaningless attention (instead seek to do good and higher-work that will positively impact this planet).

He does not have any of his own attachment strings…to himself, to his own soul mission, to what he should be doing or where he should be going on his OWN. This is why he turns into who we are during the initial stage of his attaching to our soul – everything that we are, he is – everything we do, he does – everything we enjoy, he enjoys. He cannot internally attach to his own being for he does not have his own being – he is a void. Everything he does and everything he is…is through external attachment…clutching onto us for grounding and for validation.

However, we are moving souls that are seeking growth so as soon as we start kicking and screaming our way loose from his suffocating games, he turns on us: lie, cheat, gaslight, stonewall, silent-treatment, smear, triangulate and run to attach himself to someone else…anyone else.

When we fail to reflect ourselves, every ounce of ourselves, onto him (by disagreeing or disapproving)…and god forbid if we even hint at another person’s significance in our lives (remember, he must consume and control every ounce of our existence to feel “loved”)…he, in an instant, detaches himself from any connection (albeit a toxic connection) and will, in an instant, toxically connect himself to any person that is yielding enough to permit it. Disloyal. Liar. Untrustworthy. Serial Cheater. Cycle repeats.

His toxic attachment-style is the only way he knows how to survive in this world, to be “alive”…it is through controlling us in an effort to link himself to anything, anyone…to Humanness.

He can only feel validated by the all-consuming of our very existence. Hence, when we put up a boundary…make a stand…try to protect ourselves…to hold him responsible…expect him to be a real man that’s responsible…or even if we should ever expect anything (they only want to “give” when convenient and when not asked for)…

When we attempt to INDIVIDUALIZE ourselves from him:

He feels as if we severed his soul-cord that he tangled around and within us and thus, his frightened and disconnected soul takes flight to attach itself into someone else…anyone else…it does not matter…whoever will allow it; there are a lot of desperate and lonely people out there who are not doing their own soul-work and will welcome the all-consuming love-bombing.

This is why he cannot be alone and must jump from one love-bombing episode – one “relationship” – to the next. He must move on, and quickly, to infiltrate and attach himself to the next source that will permit his all-consuming soul-attachment or else…he feels as if he is unattached, un-grounded and floating away.

Nourishment for the Soul
Nourishment for the Soul

He is truly a Lost Soul and this is why nothing is ever real or lasting for him. Only strong souls, who do strong soul work, endure.

We can only ever connect to our own soul and the only way this can be done is through INDIVIDUAL work: higher goal-oriented work and projects that will benefit humanity and this planet, service work (charity and volunteering), and introspection on how we are REALLY affecting the people around us and the making of needed adjustments so that we stop our negative patterns…he cannot do this.

He only rationalizes, in his own isolated head, how he treats us. He does not really SEE us from his soul; nor does he SEE what he does to us from his soul; this would require soul-attachment.

Afterword: Before I end, we should visit this beginning paragraph: “See…this is why controlling, dominating, aggressive, bullying and overpowering people target kind, soft and yielding people to begin with: We allow our entire existence to be penetrated and consumed and right from the very beginning. We allow them to take us over – our time, our energy, and even our preferences.”

How do kind, soft and non-aggressive people navigate in a world of controlling, dominating, aggressive, and predatory-type of people?

The answer is in that “yielding” word. We must remain kind and soft but with boundaries; or meaning, to NOT act like a hard core B but to not give ourselves over to people and to take things very slowly. Sometimes things get messy but do not give people too many and repeated chances. Know when enough is enough and when to walk away with dignity.

And the number one way you can protect yourself is to NOT have sex with someone until after a year of dating them. Narcissists push sex very quickly and this goes back to their not being soul-attached and trying to infiltrate your very essence, your existence. I even used the “penetrate” word earlier – not meaning it sexually – but the Narcissist does, literally, in the sexual sense, try to penetrate our being, because, again, he is not only trying to ground himself through us but he is trying to take complete control over us: our heart, soul, mind and body. (This also applies to the Narcissist/Histrionic woman who looks like and/or pretends to be a porn actress and jumps around faking orgasms…she is trying to get the man addicted to her.)

Narcissists are sensory deadened and one of the few ways they can feel “something,” anything, is through sex. This is why they are sex addicts and also have other addiction such as food, shopping, alcohol, gambling, exhilarating activities…to feel alive.

But one of the ultimate ways in which they manipulate and control us is through the creation of the sex-bond…which women misunderstand to be a love-bond.

images: Dragon by Michelangelo (, The Damned Soul by Michelangelo (soul-wikipedia), Nourishment for the Soul (arsarteetlabore-odilon-redon-silence)

The Narcissist is an Actor…We are his Props…He Creates Scenes

He is an Actor on a Stage and we are his Different Props for his Different Scenes

I’ve been struggling for a few years now in not fully understanding how these people exist in such abundance. I then came up with this: Narcissists can NOT be real, authentic, genuine human beings so they learned to be ACTORS! They run off of a Script.


But why can’t Narcissist’s be REAL? I wrote this in my book and coined the following term: Something happened to stunt their normal development past 2-3 years old and it connects to their “Mother’s Emotional Body.” In other words, his mother failed to emotionally and physically bond with him in a healthy-way that included creating sound boundaries (emotional & physical) and role-modeling healthy emotional behaviors in his environment:

She was either neglectful, abusive, over-indulging (made him her “little boyfriend”), or a combination of these, meaning unstable and inconsistent in her own emotional energy and in her message toward him. The result, several years down the road: a man-boy that forever seeks “mother’s” love, acceptance, approval, applause, accolades, validation – his completeness. He learned to survive by being an Actor…an Actor seeking Applause (Kivela, My Sociopath, Ch. 10).

He feels that in order to be loved in this crazy and unpredictable world, he must meet everyone’s approval. (For more on this please find My Sociopath on sale through Amazon: Ch. 8, “The Narcissist & People-Pleasing & Emotional Obsessions.”)

He is an Actor on a Stage and we are nothing more than Props for his different Scenes

  • Actor: The Narcissist
  • Script: “The Victim”: Lies, denials, excuses, turning-the-tables, leaving out important details
  • Stage: What the rest of us calls “real life”
  • Scenes: Relationships (romantic, friends; family; acquaintances; co-workers; neighbors)
  • Props: Other human beings; aka, Ego-Supply and Applauding Audience

This explains everything!

1. Love-bomb us one day, leave without a care, love-bomb someone else the next day.

Love-bombing is his Premier; where the spotlight is upon him, he is at his grandest and where he is receiving the loudest applause. Narcissists receive their energy through idealization or when he believes he has met “mother,” care-taker, diva, goddess. The love-bombing period is the ultimate time for fun and where both parties are wearing their best costumes and running their best Scripts.

His Props change according to the Scene: If Prop Jane calls him out on something, hence making his Act, Stage, Scene look bad, he switches her out for Prop Ann in order to create a new Scene…to receive a new bright spotlight and new applause. Props are mere background enhancements for different dramatic Scenes.

2. Lie, Deny, Invalidate You, Invalidate Everything

Being a good actor requires an uncanny ability to lose who you really are and to become someone else in a way that convinces…essentially…lying. Actors cannot break from character.

Let’s go back in that sentence to dissect a very profound point: “ability to lose who you really are.” Narcissists don’t know who they really are, actually they are NO ONE (they are who their current target is – referred to as mirroring), so they are Master Actors because they have no core identity to begin with.

He cannot validate anything because that would bring him into reality and narcissists do not live in REALITY. If he were to validate anything or anyone the result would be that he would have to take responsibility, admit to blame, and on occasion, even apologize. All this would be genuine and authentic and narcissists cannot be genuine or authentic…they do NOT have a center, a core-way of being, to access for genuineness.

He lives within an Act and he runs off of a Script.

When he becomes trapped in too many lies, he simply exits Stage Left.


3. Gaslight, Triangulate, Smear

All Actors want the Lead Role.

He gaslights a current or former target that calls him out on his Act because he must ensure that he stays in the Lead Role and in charge of the Scene. The gaslighting confuses her and throws her off balance, thus, he remains in charge of the Scene.

With others, he becomes the victim; the poor, little generous boy that’s in another bad relationship; that found another “crazy” woman. The Victim Role allows him to change the Scene – new relationships based upon pity – and to put more Props (people) in the corner of his Stage (“life” to the rest of us): Most everyone wants to rescue Victim Boy with Bad Woman. Not only this, herein comes “mother” and even “mothers” to save the little boy being “abused” by Bad Woman. Perfect Scene with perfectly placed Props.

He can also preserve his Lead Role, no matter the Scene, because he has successfully positioned many Props into co-dependent roles where these Props will always remain sitting in the corner of all his many BAD SCENES. These stand-in Props include his children and exes. This explains why the narcissist is prone to being used, exploited and taken advantage of: He does not care if the Prop sits in the corner, eating his food…as long as the Prop enhances his Bad Scene (e.g. destroying another intimate partner). Remember, he wants only shallowness.

None-the-less, he still throws these more consistent Props out with the old-stage as soon as a fresh, new Prop shows up to allow him to create a new and more exciting Scene.

4. Inability To Ever Be Alone

Actors “die” when not under the spotlight, capturing all the attention, applause, accolades and playing lead Role. If an Actor is not always in the spotlight, he is soon forgotten in the public consciousness and will be replaced by a newer and younger actor. Actors must CONTROL how others view them…their “public.”

Many narcissists suffer from depression. A narcissist’s “depression” is directly correlated with the amount of attention, applause and accolades (spotlight) he is receiving. Psychologists need to be aware of this.

If the primary intimate partner calls him out on too many things, and he grows exasperated by having to keep up his Script, and he cannot immediately land a new target, he goes into “depression.” If the narcissist is not under the spotlight glory of love-bombing, he loses his energy. This is where he returns to a former target…to place her back in the corner of an old Scene as an old Prop.

He re-creates old Scenes, using old Props, until he creates a new Scene with a new Prop.

The narcissist must always be in an Act, on Stage, and receiving applause. Anything other than this, is death to him.

5. Sex and Porn Addiction

Need I say more: special lighting, effects and make-up; fake body parts and fake orgasms with fake editing and photo-shopping. Many narcissists push their partners to sexual extremes because they internalize porn to be real and authentic.

Narcissists are in competition with the male porn-actors in the trying to give fake women, fake orgasms. Narcissists don’t even recognize fake…they live in a shallow illusion of fantasy fun and fake flattery.

He cannot tell the difference between real and fake orgasms because he himself has done nothing but act his entire life. This is why narcissists are attracted to other narcissists, borderlines, and histrionics. He creates shallow relationships and when things get serious, he flees to the next Scene.

The narcissist is nothing more than an ACTOR…he has no sense-of-self, no core-foundation, no identity. He morphs into the character that gets him the most applause. He is lost and miserable and must find his Stage and fill his Scene with just about any enhancing Prop. Without his Stage…he dies.

It is now up to us to decide if we want to continue being his Prop or obsessing over who his next Prop is…but in the end, none of it matters. He will always leave the Stage to find a new Scene with new Props…and, no matter the applause he receives on the night of his Premier…the curtain always comes down on him.