Narcissists & Predators Are Attracted To Damaged Women
There is much talk about the woman rescuer and the fact that this can lead us into relationships with narcissistic/predatory/sociopathic men. It has been said that we can “sense their hurt.” However, there is little talk or discussion about men who rescue damaged women. Every narcissistic, predatory male that I’ve come across, has a sexual desire to conquer damaged women.
Men are driven by their sexual nature, whereas women, are more driven by their emotional nature. It’s a fact of biology. Men are drawn to damaged women because not only do they want to be our savior – The White Knight concept – but they are driven by the biological instinct to “insert their penis into the wounded to create a healing injection.” Yes, I just wrote that. It’s the truth that we all refuse to see or admit to. However gross that statement just came across, think of it this way: How do men seek solace, comfort, energy, happiness, or just a release from depressive and low thoughts? Yes, through ‘release’ – sex.
Men see everything and everyone through the eyes of “to have sex with,” or “not to have sex with.” Most of us are still operating from the primitive brain stem no matter how much we claim to be evolved. I’m not criticizing men because most women feel that when a man has sex with her, he’s in love with her, and therefore, she falls madly in love with him and believes he will protect her for the rest of his life.
Here’s the scenario: A man detects that we’re damaged. It’s not really hard for them to do: we announce it to the world and we outwardly behave in a damaged way (insecurities; complaining; negativity; revealing all these and our secrets to mere strangers; showing outward chaos in our self and material possessions [a personal example: my car is a chaotic mess right now – note to self: must clean car so opportunist predators leave me alone.]).
We then quickly and easily allow this man into our bed and into our life. Man is happy. He’s getting not only sex, but easy access into our life and even home. Current day male wants to crash on our couch, have us swaddle them, and pretend to be their Love Empress and their Cooking Maiden. However, he believes that he is our White Knight and that he’s protecting us (even though he may be a short, fat, bald, creepy loser with evil and shifty eyes).
Soon, White Knight turns a hideous hue of grey, brown, blood red and gets bored (the conquest, the chase is over). About this same time, we start bitching, complaining, holding him responsible. Because of the mass availability of easy sex and hookups (online; in bars; at the gym; in yoga classes; heck – in Trader Joe’s), Awful Knight mounts his Poor and Abused Horse, again, and rescues another injured woman with his penis injection. It’s his biology to be a Saving, Penis Inserting, Savior. He has to feel useful. And he uses his penis, and okay, wining and dining too, as the conquering and protecting instrument to prove his ability to conquer and dominate. Now, with everything and everyone, there are degrees of the above proclivity and the range of its manifestation – mild, moderate, and extreme.
Every single narcissist, sociopath, predator male that I’ve met or have been with, has a trail of damaged women long before I ever came along. So, you’re thinking that I must be damaged, and you must be damaged? Answer: Yes, I am, and, yes, you are too – but some of us show it, me, and some of us don’t show it.
The people who attract healthier relationships & even healthier jobs don’t outwardly show their inner, emotional roller coaster and chaos – or, they simply don’t feel an inner chaos – or if they do feel an inner turmoil, they keep it outwardly under control.
Note: Our dysfunctional pattern in relationships is similar to our dysfunctional pattern in jobs.
What’s the learning lesson in all this? It’s simple: try to appear as if you have your act together: Fake it until you make it. Focus on improving your life, and your children’s and pet’s, preserving your home, cleaning up your surroundings, and finding a career that doesn’t kill your soul. This will save you from attracting every loser in town.
Six Ways To Stop Attracting Narcissists and Predators:
1. Stop acting like you’re damaged and defective. Yes, we are all damaged and defective, but don’t show it to every Tom, Dick (literally), and Harry. Keep your haunts and insecurities to yourself and to those you trust and have known longer than say a year or more – or, to a really good therapist.
Note: It’s no easy task to find a good therapist; you may need to fire several to get to a good one. I purposely used the word “fire” so that you will start taking charge of your life and surroundings.
2. Don’t broadcast your instability or chaotic emotions out on social media. Slow down on the provocative selfies, watch your grammar and spelling, use whole words – not slang or abbreviations, cut out the ‘lols’ and the one-hundred slanten’ happy-faces (if you have to prove that you’re being funny, one smiley face or a ‘haha’ works). If you take your online image to a higher level, you’re raising yourself to a higher level.
3. Clean up your surroundings – no matter what your surroundings may be. Narcissists and Predators can spot our mess a mile away. The most horrible trailer or car can always be cleaned up and beautified: Wash your car, clean the windows, and clear out the clutter. Same with where you live: clean windows, clear the clutter, plant flowers or trees. Predators hone in on our disarray.
Note: A housing crisis is not only affecting California, but across this country, and into Europe; people are being priced out of their homes. I know many people who would kill to have a one room shack. Take care and honor whatever you have.
4. Keep a job – even if it’s a low-paying job – until you get a better job. Or, if you’re on U.I. or disability make sure you are using this time to plant the seeds for a better future, e.g., learning a new skill, taking a class, launching a business, writing a book, fixing your credit, or saving to buy your own property. When we get out there everyday, with other people who aren’t necessarily just trying to f*ck us, our brain is able to get relief and clarity from PTSD fog and chaos. Plus, working and bringing home our own money builds our self-confidence and gives us a sense of our own power and potential.
Note: Keep sex and dating out of the workplace: it can destroy your reputation, get you fired, and turn what should be your time/place to grow & learn into an awkward nightmare.
5. Stay out of bars and off of dating and chat sites. If you are damaged, a man is not going to fix you. Fix yourself first and then seek out a healthy relationship. This may take several years. Learn to enjoy yourself and your own activities. I have a blast finding the rare and undiscovered spots of Southern California and walking my dog there.
6. Stop sleeping with men. And this means stop using men for free dinners, entertainment, and handyman services. We know what men expect from us when they’re doing so-called ‘free’ things for us. It’s not cool to use men. It’s a recycling of energy: When we use and exploit men, they rebel by hating women and thus abusing women even more. If you’re not into a guy, don’t use him for free dinners. Learn how to do things for yourself (YouTube) and what’s too heavy to do on your own, pay a neighbor, or buy a friend lunch to help you.
Note: We don’t even know who someone is until we’ve been around them for over a year and have seen them respond to a varying amount of different situations. Waiting a few weeks, or even a few months to sleep with a man doesn’t mean that we’re a “great and irresistible hold out.” It means that we were trying to tease him into wanting us more – when in fact, men don’t care if we hold out for 2 minutes or 2 months: Once a man breaks through the castle door with his white horse, the chase, conquest is over and the alchemy of the relationship has changed. Women, become bonded and transfused to the man, literally; the man had fun and got a release (this same sex-bonding may not apply to women who are high in testosterone). Plus, you may have only waited the 2 months so that he could have sex with other women. This is just an unfortunate condition of our times; women indiscriminately having sex with men; men can get sex easily!
Plus, there’s just too many of us, we’re making ourselves way too available, and sadly, we’re all starting to look and act alike (same makeup & hair products and application; same cosmetic surgeries; same photo-filters; same online crazy exhibitionism).
We have to wait until we know that we’re not only healthy and well-adjusted, but he is too. There’s no time-frame on this. And this certainly doesn’t mean to use sex, or the ‘hold-out of sex,’ to manipulate him into ‘wanting you more.’
In order to stop this cycle, we have to act like we’re more evolved. I deliberately wrote the word “act” because this, at times, has to be a forced effort. To break the chains of abuse, on all levels, not just sexually and emotionally, but financially and social-status and reputation-wise, we have to train ourselves to think on a higher-level, to do higher-level activities, and to force ourselves out of our damaged ways by acquiring strength and skills through focus and doing our own hard work.
To summarize all this: Mr. Oh, a narcissistic sexual and emotional predator, who is featured in my book, said to me after I explained to him what a narcissistic, sexual and emotional predator was, “Oh, you’re describing all men.” Sigh, Great …
Lynna Kivela, MA, Author of the book, “My Sociopath.” On sale at Amazon and other outlets.
Image: Knight of Wands, Thoth Tarot Deck