Six Ways To Stop Attracting Narcissists And Predators

Six ways to stop attracting Narcissists. Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Predators are attracted to damaged women. If you want to protect yourself, don’t act damaged. If you are damaged, don’t show it.

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Narcissists & Predators Are Attracted To Damaged Women

There is much talk about the woman rescuer and the fact that this can lead us into relationships with narcissistic/predatory/sociopathic men. It has been said that we can “sense their hurt.” However, there is little talk or discussion about men who rescue damaged women. Every narcissistic, predatory male that I’ve come across, has a sexual desire to conquer damaged women.

Men are driven by their sexual nature, whereas women, are more driven by their emotional nature. It’s a fact of biology. Men are drawn to damaged women because not only do they want to be our savior – The White Knight concept – but they are driven by the biological instinct to “insert their penis into the wounded to create a healing injection.” Yes, I just wrote that. It’s the truth that we all refuse to see or admit to. However gross that statement just came across, think of it this way: How do men seek solace, comfort, energy, happiness, or just a release from depressive and low thoughts? Yes, through ‘release’ – sex.

Men see everything and everyone through the eyes of “to have sex with,” or “not to have sex with.” Most of us are still operating from the primitive brain stem no matter how much we claim to be evolved. I’m not criticizing men because most women feel that when a man has sex with her, he’s in love with her, and therefore, she falls madly in love with him and believes he will protect her for the rest of his life. 

Here’s the scenario: A man detects that we’re damaged. It’s not really hard for them to do: we announce it to the world and we outwardly behave in a damaged way (insecurities; complaining; negativity; revealing all these and our secrets to mere strangers; showing outward chaos in our self and material possessions [a personal example: my car is a chaotic mess right now – note to self: must clean car so opportunist predators leave me alone.]).

Narcissist Sociopath Sexual Predator

We then quickly and easily allow this man into our bed and into our life. Man is happy. He’s getting not only sex, but easy access into our life and even home. Current day male wants to crash on our couch, have us swaddle them, and pretend to be their Love Empress and their Cooking Maiden. However, he believes that he is our White Knight and that he’s protecting us (even though he may be a short, fat, bald, creepy loser with evil and shifty eyes).  

Soon, White Knight turns a hideous hue of grey, brown, blood red and gets bored (the conquest, the chase is over). About this same time, we start bitching, complaining, holding him responsible. Because of the mass availability of easy sex and hookups (online; in bars; at the gym; in yoga classes; heck – in Trader Joe’s), Awful Knight mounts his Poor and Abused Horse, again, and rescues another injured woman with his penis injection. It’s his biology to be a Saving, Penis Inserting, Savior. He has to feel useful. And he uses his penis, and okay, wining and dining too, as the conquering and protecting instrument to prove his ability to conquer and dominate. Now, with everything and everyone, there are degrees of the above proclivity and the range of its manifestation – mild, moderate, and extreme.

Every single narcissist, sociopath, predator male that I’ve met or have been with, has a trail of damaged women long before I ever came along. So, you’re thinking that I must be damaged, and you must be damaged? Answer: Yes, I am, and, yes, you are too – but some of us show it, me, and some of us don’t show it.

The people who attract healthier relationships & even healthier jobs don’t outwardly show their inner, emotional roller coaster and chaos – or, they simply don’t feel an inner chaos – or if they do feel an inner turmoil, they keep it outwardly under control.

Note: Our dysfunctional pattern in relationships is similar to our dysfunctional pattern in jobs.

What’s the learning lesson in all this?  It’s simple: try to appear as if you have your act together: Fake it until you make it. Focus on improving your life, and your children’s and pet’s, preserving your home, cleaning up your surroundings, and finding a career that doesn’t kill your soul. This will save you from attracting every loser in town.

Six Ways To Stop Attracting Narcissists and Predators:

1. Stop acting like you’re damaged and defective. Yes, we are all damaged and defective, but don’t show it to every Tom, Dick (literally), and Harry. Keep your haunts and insecurities to yourself and to those you trust and have known longer than say a year or more – or, to a really good therapist.

Note: It’s no easy task to find a good therapist; you may need to fire several to get to a good one. I purposely used the word “fire” so that you will start taking charge of your life and surroundings.

2. Don’t broadcast your instability or chaotic emotions out on social media. Slow down on the provocative selfies, watch your grammar and spelling, use whole words – not slang or abbreviations, cut out the ‘lols’ and the one-hundred slanten’ happy-faces (if you have to prove that you’re being funny, one smiley face or a ‘haha’ works). If you take your online image to a higher level, you’re raising yourself to a higher level.

3. Clean up your surroundings – no matter what your surroundings may be. Narcissists and Predators can spot our mess a mile away. The most horrible trailer or car can always be cleaned up and beautified: Wash your car, clean the windows, and clear out the clutter. Same with where you live: clean windows, clear the clutter, plant flowers or trees. Predators hone in on our disarray.

Note: A housing crisis is not only affecting California, but across this country, and into Europe; people are being priced out of their homes. I know many people who would kill to have a one room shack. Take care and honor whatever you have.

4. Keep a job – even if it’s a low-paying job – until you get a better job. Or, if you’re on U.I. or disability make sure you are using this time to plant the seeds for a better future, e.g., learning a new skill, taking a class, launching a business, writing a book, fixing your credit, or saving to buy your own property. When we get out there everyday, with other people who aren’t necessarily just trying to f*ck us, our brain is able to get relief and clarity from PTSD fog and chaos. Plus, working and bringing home our own money builds our self-confidence and gives us a sense of our own power and potential.

Note: Keep sex and dating out of the workplace: it can destroy your reputation, get you fired, and turn what should be your time/place to grow & learn into an awkward nightmare.

5. Stay out of bars and off of dating and chat sites. If you are damaged, a man is not going to fix you. Fix yourself first and then seek out a healthy relationship. This may take several years. Learn to enjoy yourself and your own activities. I have a blast finding the rare and undiscovered spots of Southern California and walking my dog there.

6. Stop sleeping with men. And this means stop using men for free dinners, entertainment, and handyman services. We know what men expect from us when they’re doing so-called ‘free’ things for us. It’s not cool to use men. It’s a recycling of energy: When we use and exploit men, they rebel by hating women and thus abusing women even more. If you’re not into a guy, don’t use him for free dinners. Learn how to do things for yourself (YouTube) and what’s too heavy to do on your own, pay a neighbor, or buy a friend lunch to help you. 

Note: We don’t even know who someone is until we’ve been around them for over a year and have seen them respond to a varying amount of different situations. Waiting a few weeks, or even a few months to sleep with a man doesn’t mean that we’re a “great and irresistible hold out.” It means that we were trying to tease him into wanting us more – when in fact, men don’t care if we hold out for 2 minutes or 2 months: Once a man breaks through the castle door with his white horse, the chase, conquest is over and the alchemy of the relationship has changed. Women, become bonded and transfused to the man, literally; the man had fun and got a release (this same sex-bonding may not apply to women who are high in testosterone). Plus, you may have only waited the 2 months so that he could have sex with other women. This is just an unfortunate condition of our times; women indiscriminately having sex with men; men can get sex easily!

Plus, there’s just too many of us, we’re making ourselves way too available, and sadly, we’re all starting to look and act alike (same makeup & hair products and application; same cosmetic surgeries; same photo-filters; same online crazy exhibitionism).

We have to wait until we know that we’re not only healthy and well-adjusted, but he is too. There’s no time-frame on this. And this certainly doesn’t mean to use sex, or the ‘hold-out of sex,’ to manipulate him into ‘wanting you more.’

In order to stop this cycle, we have to act like we’re more evolved. I deliberately wrote the word “act” because this, at times, has to be a forced effort. To break the chains of abuse, on all levels, not just sexually and emotionally, but financially and social-status and reputation-wise, we have to train ourselves to think on a higher-level, to do higher-level activities, and to force ourselves out of our damaged ways by acquiring strength and skills through focus and doing our own hard work.

To summarize all this: Mr. Oh, a narcissistic sexual and emotional predator, who is featured in my book, said to me after I explained to him what a narcissistic, sexual and emotional predator was, “Oh, you’re describing all men.” Sigh, Great … 

Lynna Kivela, MA, Author of the book, “My Sociopath.” On sale at Amazon and other outlets. 

Relationship with a narcissist or sociopath
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Sex and The Narcissist, Sociopath, Sexual Predator

As soon as you have sex with a narcissist, sociopath, sex addict, or sexual predator, they’ve ‘sealed you in,’ and their destruction of you begins.

The Trader Joe’s Predator

A spectacular overview of the predator/prey dynamic featured in a new and emerging blog. Please support this blog.

You will become emerged in the growing, developing, and unfolding chapter-story detailing and unraveling the grooming, love bombing, honeymoon period, and then disrespect, devalue, destruction, and discard process of the predator towards its prey. You will become part of the emerging evil, insanity, and sex and attention addiction of a monster who appears as a loving, generous, helpful, charming, and even spiritual man.

Beware: These evil entities are walking amongst us and they know how to win us over and groom us to be their hooked sex-targets and flying monkeys. You will never come out of this sick-interplay with your same healthy, pure and innocent soul.  You are indeed playing with pure evil. 

It’s best to read this blog from older (September 2018) to its newest postings (current day);  but each writing can be a tale within itself, or should I say, a lesson for all of us.  A must read: 

https://traderjoespredator.blogspot.com/2018/12/the-narcissist-and-our-fake-orgasms-to.html

Do Sociopaths Know That They’re Sociopaths?

Basically, we are left traumatized because we come to the realization that we were nothing but a disposable, interchangeable, replaceable object to the narcissist. A total annihilation of our being just so the narcissist could get sex, care taking, and attention .

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I would venture to say that in past-times, “No,” but in current-times, “Yes.”  Why two answers? Because of the advent of social media, and the prevalence of open discussions from both victims of sociopaths, and self-proclaimed sociopaths, this wave of awareness is no-doubt hitting and then swallowing up the everyday and oblivious disordered individual himself.

How can the relationship-jumper, the sex addict, the liar, manipulator, seducer, and cheater not be hit by our onslaught of writings, postings, and our depressed and anguished screams and protests? These lowly-evolved and chaotic souls crawl around social-media searching for attention and stimulation – maybe even more so than we all do; we – the slightly less chaotic souls – who are in search for answers to why that individual caused so much chaos and destruction in our mind and soul.

I remember a much older female friend telling me years ago that I was dating a narcissist. I didn’t think and connect beyond: Narcissist, yeah sure, he certainly is fixated on his appearance. Now, not only me, but you as well, know this word to mean a person that exploits us for our good and caring nature, and who will likely not only leave us traumatized with a feeling of being taken advantage of, but with a sense of betrayal regarding our innocent idea of love.

Basically, we are left traumatized because we come to the realization that we were nothing but a disposable, interchangeable, replaceable object to the narcissist. A total annihilation of our being just so the narcissist could get sex, care taking, and attention. 

Flash-forward, past this narcissist boyfriend who I was warned about: I was later struck by a sociopath that used and abused me emotionally, mentally, and financially, and during this abuse, it was the year 2012 and I could go to the internet and Facebook to learn more about what happened to me. And don’t think that I didn’t start my own community page to reveal my abuser and send my page’s link to all his flying monkeys.

Just think: the narcissist-sociopath uses social-media for their advantage even more than we do; so, even they, are becoming increasingly self-aware of their abuse and who they are.    

But the true reality of the situation is this:  Even I am inundated with sociopath after sociopath article and am forced to stop and reflect: Hmmm…maybe I’m not an empath at all, but a sociopath? I mean, I kinda, sorta, fit some of the behaviors of a sociopath? In actuality, any self-reflective person has to stop and wonder the same thing.  

So, you are thinking, Well, the sociopath isn’t self-reflective … they never see themselves! Not true. Sociopaths appear intelligent because they’re constantly measuring and analyzing their environment and our reactions to their methods and overall behaviors. Narcissists may not self-reflect on their destructive behavior patterns, but they certainly self-reflect on how to improve their self-serving game so to get more narcissistic ego-rewards. 

Don’t forget: Sociopaths are social chameleons.  How can you be a social chameleon and not be self-reflective?

Here is the thinking of Mr. Oh, my town’s predator, and who is featured in my book:

  1. There’s pervert, co-predator, Lance over there, screwing all the lowly and desperate ladies, what a cool lifestyle, I’m envious of him, and since I’m way beyond my prime, and I’m a sex-addict, hanging out with him gives me that pervert-edge – I’m so ‘young’ and sexy trolling the cougar, dirty, old man bars with him – Give me attention and validation – even though these lowly ladies only want my food, house, and money, at least they’re smiling up at me, and stroking my ego (and other things), as I pay their way. (Most all narcissist-sociopaths are sexual predators and attract or cultivate co-predators.)
  1. Oh, there’s Lynna now. I do like to hang with her, but she’s not a dirty, old man pervert, but she’s fun anyway and we do cool things like hiking, and swimming, and visiting Buddhist Monasteries together; these distractions are all very stimulating and ease my constant sense of boredom. And in my other life, I am a loving, spiritual, guru man. Hopefully Lynna will give me sex, but if not, I’ll attract all the ‘healing’ yoga ladies with my inappropriately long hair. Plus, she’s educated, and a yoga teacher, and published a book, so I can use her credentials to impress my flying monkeys. (The narcissist self-promotes himself through the credentials of his partner/flying monkeys.)
  1. Wait, there’s Betty, The Fundamental Christian: I’m shifting over to yet another one of my lives: superficial, plastic, generic, meaningless, image only. Betty uses and abuses me for food, entertainment and favors, but strokes my ego while doing so, with words like, “You’re the greatest man ever … You’re a rock, a superman …” This makes me feel worthy and alive. Plus, she’s superficial, shallow, plastic, caked-on with products, and an overall generic Southern Californian – she serves my superficial and base-image well. But most importantly, I don’t mind going with her to her Fundamental Church because I can relate to the minister’s preaching about morality – I’m moral – and not to mention, I am attracted to the preaching minister because he’s focused and determined (I don’t have these traits, but believe that I do have these traits, but wish that I could have these traits – I know, my mind is a constantly revolving contradiction); and the minister is really good looking!  (Narcissists are not only shallow and into image only, but believe themselves to be moral and superior to others; the God Complex; Delusions of Grandeur.) 

Yes, most narcissist-sociopaths have some self-awareness; that is if he/she is not primarily delusional, or in a prolonged state of schizophrenia. How can they be such savvy shape-shifters if they weren’t self-aware?

I believe that the most significant evidence of their being somewhat self-aware is this: They know how to act completely loving and doting toward us in public, to impress others and their flying monkeys, but behind closed-doors, they act cruel, vicious, and heartless towards us.   

And as I too wrote: We’re going through a subconscious-shift in awareness (some of us are more aware than others) that’s penetrating our material world; and because of social-media, many of us are able to not only express, but project our thoughts, opinions, and observations regarding what happened to us, and who and what these predators, users, and abusers are. Our wave of thoughts, speeches (who amongst us hasn’t called someone a narcissist or sociopath lately?), and writings have certainly hit upon and impacted the narcissist-sociopath as well.  

The real question is: How many of us are going to continue with our own pattern of being so desperate for the approval of someone else – so desperate for love – that we allow these people to continue growing in strength by allowing them to love bomb us and have almost immediate sex with us; and by giving them permission to enter and take over our lives without first laying down standards and requirements of a relationship, and without using our discerning intelligence and mental awareness? 

Lynna, Author of the book, “My Sociopath”

(article slightly edited from its original publication date of 9-29-18)

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Narcissists Are Love-Addicts

Narcissists don’t set out to be abusive. They become abusive when the fantasy-idealized image of their Fairytale Love Relationship turns into real life and real responsibility; when he’s held accountable. In fact, narcissists and sociopaths are love-addicts but lack the necessary tools to create and maintain healthy and adult relationships. The narcissist becomes abusive toward the current partner during the devalue and discard stage of the relationship, or when he becomes obsessed and fixated on finding his next ‘perfect and idealized love image. ‘

It’s a misnomer that narcissists/sociopaths do not love. They love intensely … but it’s not a love that most of us know of, or understand – it’s not a love of responsibility, accountability, loyalty, or partnership.  A narcissist’s version of love is the fantasy-idealization stage. This is where they believe they met the person of their dreams who will forever fulfill their life needs. What this actually means is: Another person that will forever cater to the narcissist’s intense emotional and mental needs by being constantly compliant, attentive, nurturing, giving, soothing … basically a person that will be a mind-reading caretaker. Narcissists are attracted to nurse aides, teachers, and caretakers.

Narcissists cannot self-soothe, self-satiate, self-fulfill, or build their own sense-of-self through hard work and discipline. It’s the admiring and validating reflection of others that energizes a narcissist. In the beginning stages of a relationship – we are fawning all over the narcissist’s image personified – and we are also portraying ourselves as ‘the best, unconditional loving, and most compliantly loving woman and caretaker he will ever have.’ This is also known as the honeymoon period and both parties participate in this fantasy.

Narcissists are in love in this beginning period of the relationship – their version of love, ah hum, lust, and they do believe that we will be their Fairytale Princess who will complete their lives … forever. But a narcissist doesn’t  want to deal with reality – the ups-and-downs of a relationship – the partnership aspect of a relationship – the get-down-and-dirty, work, build, and sacrifice part of a relationship. Narcissists haven’t emotionally developed beyond a 3-year-old playing in a sandbox, grabbing the shovel from the little girl, and putting a dramatic show on until all the mothers on the playground pay attention to him only, and are forced – out of social awkwardness –  to tell him and his mother how cute he is. Narcissists believe that they get to do what they want to do, when they want to do it, and still have a ‘relationship,’ or should I say, still have a nice, compliant, and doting woman waiting for him at home. 

When real life and real responsibility sets into his current relationship, the narcissist-sociopath re-creates another fantasy-idealized partner that will be his ‘fix.’ This idealized-image can be anyone: a co-worker, someone on Facebook, a neighbor, his current partner’s friend or sister.  It’s a repeat of his delusional mind-programming: The next woman, a new woman, will be the perfect lover, angelic kitchen goddess, and caretaker; she will be his soulmate; she will fill his void.  It was always the sociopath or narcissist in my life that told me – soon after meeting me – that he believed me to be his soulmate; but in strange contrast – me, being a woman and all – never talked such foolishness. The narcissist-sociopath believes himself to be fourteen and his fantasy-idealized girl will be all food, f*cks, fun;  no responsibility, no hard work, no sacrifice, no equality. The narcissist lives for the honeymoon period; this is where he is the happiest and most energetic. 

Picasso
Picasso’s ‘Head of a Woman’

I don’t believe that the narcissist-sociopath sets out to be abusive; but to the contrary, he sets out to be that Knight on The Whitehorse. In fact, most, if not all, narcissists see themselves as good and loving human beings. But because the narcissist-sociopath lacks basic human qualities of an evolved and mature man such as possessing integrity, character, loyalty, focus, discipline, and the ability to delay gratification, he destroys everything he touches – including his once fantasy-idealized princess. Soon after the love-bombing, honeymoon period, lust stage goes away, and real life and real responsibility sets in, the narcissist grows bored and needs his next ‘fix;’ a new and adoring ‘princess.’

When the narcissist-sociopath devalues his current partner and relationship, and fantasy-idealizes another person, he becomes abusive to his current partner. In his delusional mind, he blames his current target for destroying his ‘perfect life of food, f*cks, and fun.’ To take this a step further: The narcissist believes he is entitled to a life of food, f*cks, and fun – and a willing partner that will happily – without saying a word and without asking for anything – go along with this lifestyle.

Let’s face it: When he is love-bombing us, we’re playing the role of the happy, smiling, doting, cool and accepting, little girl standing in the corner and compliantly worshiping our big, hero man with a huge and fantastic penis. So, in a way, we too pulled the rug out from under the narcissist’s belief that we were his perfect, quiet and sacrificing princess. I mean come on, we’re tired and worn out from catering to all his baby brat needs and soothing away all his emotional mind-fuckery trickery.  (I digressed with the “fantastic penis” add in, but allow me to digress even further: most narcissists don’t have great sexual prowess – we only believe they do because we’re being love-bombed by our White Knight; and if they do, by chance, have anything spectacular going on down there: it’s dirty!). 

I believe the narcissist-sociopath is a love-addict and his abusive nature sets in when his fantasy-idealization delusion of ‘the perfect love’ is shattered. As many of us already know, many narcissists are sex-addicts, but in this realization, we didn’t think further in that many sex-addicts are also love-addicts.  But the thing is, they don’t have the ability to keep loving relationships going because they’re not loyal or trustworthy, and they’re prone to boredom, and they have no ability to delay gratification and self-soothe. I believe narcissists and sociopaths desperately want love, but have no evolutionary skills to obtain it (heck, they don’t even have a moral compass).

A narcissist wants and craves in us the unconditional love of a mother but does such horrible things that a truly loving ‘mother’ would beat the sh*t out of him and thus, do a service for the well-being of humanity.   

Narcissists and sociopaths turn abusive after the idealization stage of the honeymoon period is over. During the love-bombing stage, well, they’re not only very loving, but they believe in love. But it’s not an adult concept of real and enduring love; it’s a fun and f*ck love. When the narcissist half wakes-up from his delusion of fantasy, Fairytale Love, and has to be accountable and responsible, he becomes abusive to the target in place. The narcissist devalues and discards as a way to not only preserve his fragile ego and masked sense-of-self, but to balk at another ruined relationship and to give himself permission to seek refuge, solace, and redemption in the ‘love’ of yet another perfect and idealized image of ‘love.’

Lynna, Author of the book, “My Sociopath”

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The Fast Moving Relationship: Love Bombing and Fantasy Idealization

Narcissists and sociopaths Fantasy Idealize. They have to live in a perpetual state of the honeymoon period where everything is fun, f*cking, and eating; no responsibility, protection, loyalty, stability toward the other person is required; it’s all lust and infatuation – though both parties believe this to be love.

At this stage, the narcissist has no financial or moral responsibility toward the target. The narcissist’s elaborate and inappropriate gift-giving at the beginning of the relationship doesn’t count as ‘financial or shared responsibility with a partner.’ He is foolishly and elaborately spending money on her to not only seduce and manipulate her, but to capture her. As far as “moral responsibility” goes, it’s easy to be faithful to someone during the exhilarating fun, f*ck, and eat stage. He is at the ‘start line’ of the race and the real marathon, the hard work, has yet to begin.  

The beginning of a relationship is where the narcissist-sociopath is on his extreme dopamine high and his energy, stamina, and hopefulness is at its highest and most powerful. The narcissist feels like Superman when he is cultivating and manipulating new supply to love, f*ck, and adore him. This usually comes as a new, or ‘pure source’ of love. Though the narcissist will return to former partners to love-bomb them all over again, it’s never at the same intensity as the first love-bombing session. Previous targets are not so quick to blindly worship the narcissist because they know, or at the least, partly understand, who the narcissist is behind the mask.

I must explain what a “pure source” is: A new person that is struck down by her own Fantasy Idealization (it takes two to Fantasy Idealize) of someone whom she just met. She believes that she just met her Superman, her White Knight. She can’t believe her luck because before him, her life was lackluster, desperately dismal and difficult. He is mirroring her – giving her everything she ever wanted or needed – to cultivate her into being his magical-elixir that will satiate him, fill his void, and complete him. In this new relationship, she is worshiping him, idealizing him, fawning over him, obsessing over him, pleasing him, and obeying him; she is playing her own part in the Fantasy Idealization game. She believes that this quick lust, love-bombing, and infatuation is real love and he is the White Knight that she not only deserves, but has been waiting for. 

White Knight

There is no discord, as of yet, in this new, fantasy, perfect love relationship. There is no holding him accountable or responsible; no real life. They are like playmates on the playground playing doctor. Mr. Oh, who is featured in my book, said to me, “When you spend the night in my room, I feel like I’m six years old again, camping in my room with my little girlfriend who lived next door.” Narcissists want us to be their childhood ‘girlfriend’ from their 1st grade class, or neighborhood; all fun and no responsibility.

Since the narcissist has no ability to self-satiate, self-soothe, self-regulate, and self-reward himself through his own independent and higher-level focused and goal-oriented work, this fantasy-obsession relationship is his reward, his ‘trophy’ to prove that he is the most powerful of all male specimens – with the most powerful of all penises –  and thus, he is indeed Superman or a White Knight. Most narcissists and sociopaths are also sex-addicts.

This stage is where our outer appearance is Fantasy Idealized as well. In his eyes, we are the most beautiful woman in the world because we are a reflection of him. He believes himself to be the most handsome, so of course, he only gets the most beautiful women. I suppose this is good for our self-esteem, but this will only serve our egos well during the Fantasy Idealization stage; upon being devalued and discarded, we will hate ourselves even more than we did before he came along.

When the chase, the hunt, is over for the narcissist – when he captured us and got us under his control – when he’s unraveled all layers of our mystique and we are no longer a mystery to be had, obtained and mastered – when life becomes rote and routine with us – the narcissist finds us less desirable in not only looks, but overall. We are now a ‘tainted source’. He starts to see our flaws; though these same “flaws” may not be flaws at all in the eyes of someone who is of a healthier mindset.

As his boredom takes over, we do not only become less desirable, but he will find most everyone else, within reason, more attractive (though they may not be attractive at all). He may still have sex with us but he is thinking about other potential targets to be conquered. He’s returned to his own Fantasy Idealized world. But let’s not forget: We also Fantasy Idealized him and his looks when he was love-bombing us into the stars. It’s not until we begin to recover from the trauma, that we see him as both a terrible person and unattractive, and think, what on earth was I thinking?

As further explained in my book: Most narcissists are not the most attractive people. The stereotypical tall, dark, handsome narcissist with the chiseled features that immediately comes to mind is a creation of Hollywood movies. Most narcissists struggle with an inferiority complex and thus, learned to compensate by manipulating, conning, cultivating, and seducing others to like them.  Whereas healthier-minded people try to develop themselves to their highest potentials in order to attract healthy relationships, the narcissist cultivates, manages, and manipulates how others feel about him and perceive him. In essence, they mirror us, so that we mirror them back; so that we fawn all over them, and soothe and satiate their inferiority and emptiness.

When the narcissist-sociopath is not in the honeymoon high, he is prone to feeling bored, lethargic, de-energized, and unmotivated. Mr. Oh told me that he has gone through bouts of depression. I found this hard to believe because he’s the manic, fun loving, entertaining, town predator who is always chasing and paying for people’s attention, sex, and fawning (dinners and entertainment). He believes that he has regained his fleeting self-worth when he gets a woman to worship and adore him, have sex with him, and be impressed by his penis size. Upon further investigation, I discovered that his so-called bouts of depression coincide with the ‘empty spaces’ in his life between cultivating someone – making someone fall in love with him – or when a woman isn’t fawning over his penis size and sexual prowess; when he’s not experiencing a new romance or having that wild and new sex.

I have been using the word “cultivate” throughout this writing because it is the perfect terminology to describe what a narcissist – an emotional and sexual predator – does to gain new supply and flying monkeys. He cultivates people to love and adore him because in this, he finds temporary relief from his detached soul – his emptiness – his void. Narcissists are incomplete humans until we come along to swoon over them and make them feel whole again – to feel worthy; the unconditional love of a mother.

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The Flight from Disunity: Thomas Merton

The narcissist seeks the unconditional love of a mother even though his behaviors toward us are cruel and abusive; he still expects our love, loyalty, and dedication. He’s not loyal to us – or others – but he expects loyalty toward him. Despite the claims of other writers that the narcissist-sociopath plots, plans, and knows that he’s destroying us, I don’t agree with this. The narcissist, like most of us, is in an automatic-programming for survival. However, his ‘programming’ is bad (for lack of better words). Likely caused by childhood neglect and abuse, or the extreme opposite, childhood entitlement.

The main influence for his toxic dysfunction was his mother: Mother’s Emotional Body (coined in my book, “My Sociopath”). For instance, I don’t plan out my emotional reactions toward many of my life situations; for the most part, I react out of lifelong conditioning and habit that was learned in childhood – from my mother. My mother has similar emotional reactions and coping-skills toward most of her life situations and the people in her surroundings as I do. Going on this, I don’t believe that the narcissist understands that he is a destroyer. He rationalizes away most of his harmful behaviors as he was the one being slighted, or mistreated, and he needed to defend or preserve himself. Perhaps he realizes his most detrimental acts, but it’s still likely that he dismisses away their full and destructive impact on others.

It’s our glowing-reflection upon the narcissist that determines his current mindset; the fact that he has manipulated and staged our perception of him doesn’t matter.  I can feel contentment when taking my dog for a joyful and peaceful walk; narcissists cannot find this same contentment because the trail, the sidewalk, the path, the trees aren’t going to applaud him on, fawn over him and worship him, compliment his penis or prowess, tell him how handsome and sexy he is, or moan with ecstasy during love-making (even fake ecstasy sounds – the narcissist does not care).

I learned to use the word “cultivate” from Mr. Oh. I discovered lists, many lists, of women’s names in his possession. They were random women: women at his job in a popular Southern California grocery store; women in his neighborhood; women he saw in yoga classes; waitresses and barmaids; hundreds of names. All names contained the underlining and unspoken hope, the Fantasy Idealization, that she, or perhaps her, would be his magical-elixir, his Ultimate Doting, Obeying, Fawning, Sex, Kitchen, House-Cleaning and Mothering Goddess.

One or more of these names, on one or more of these lists, would surely fix him, make him feel more complete, take away all his loneliness and fill his void, and be his mother’s unconditional love. In return, he’d just have to provide a penis, some semblance to a man – an authoritative and controlling air, perhaps a bit of a ‘bad boy’ tone to it, and some food and shelter; but he would still be able to do whatever he wanted to do, whenever he wanted to do it. Of course, he’s not actually mentally thinking through all this, and he’s on his best and most ‘loyal’ behavior during the love-bombing – because he really does believe in the White Knight and Damsel in Distress fantasy. A narcissist-sociopath never emotionally and mentally matures beyond 6-year-olds camping in his bedroom.

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Narcissists want to be in a relationship and yet, they soon want to play the ‘relationship game’ by their own rules; rules which we know nothing about and rules which have nothing to do with a relationship anyway. Basically, the rules are, or the rule is: He gets to feed, flatter, f*ck, cultivate, and seduce most anyone – of course, they’re all just “friends” – to satiate his f*cked-up mess of an ego, and we are expected to be loyal, smiling, and doting throughout.  

Putting all my findings together, I remembered that Mr. Oh told me that he puts women up to the “Two second test.” If a woman looks at him – meets his eyes – for more than two seconds, then he believes that she finds him attractive. Mr. Oh’s ‘test’ is scary because I often look at men whom I feel sorry for, or I just want to show a bit of human kindness toward, or perhaps, I’m just looking in an unconscious direction. Yes, Mr. Oh is the town’s sexual and emotional predator, a serial cultivator, relationship jumper, love-bomber and then destroyer, but he also fits the stereotypical definition of a narcissist: a person who is obsessed with their own looks – their own image; they feel superior in looks, intelligence, and in power to the rest of us … The God Complex. 

Mr. Oh’s “Two second test” is a way in which he gauges his worth – his attractiveness, power and superiority – to ensure that he can continue to successfully manipulate and control his external environment (people and situations). The narcissist-sociopath has no internal control for delayed gratification in order to achieve a fundamentally better and stronger life with real and healthy relationships and accomplishments – or to obtain a safe and steady foundation for himself and those who are closest to him – so everything he does is a means to manage and manipulate the perception that others see of him.

I once said to Mr. Oh, “All you do is love-bomb people … you go from one love-bombing relationship to the next.” He replied, “But that’s where it’s the most fun.” Yes, Mr. Oh does have a point. However, as we grow, mature, and evolve we realize that there is also “fun” in building a real, solid, safe, secure, and flourishing foundation and life with another person who we are largely compatible with and can show lasting kindness and mutual respect toward. This is known as our evolution as humans, or even just plain ol’ maturity. However, narcissists-sociopaths don’t evolve, nor do they ever mature. They all stay within the same mentality as Mr. Oh’s “little six-year-old neighborhood girlfriend camping overnight in his bedroom.”

Stability does not equate to boredom; that is only in the eyes of the sociopath. Stability in many of life’s important aspects (financial; protection of your partner, family, home, and everyone’s future), lessens the chances of suffering mothers and their children and pets, and keeps these same individuals out of poverty, dysfunction, mental illness, and misery; as well as better assuring that the younger generation does not repeat this same toxic dysfunctional pattern. You will never have peace, safety, wellness, or stability with a narcissist or sociopath.

But most of all, we must put our own egos aside to intelligently question any person that seems too into us, too quickly, without even knowing who we really are.  It feels good to be idealized, love-bombed, and to be “The Chosen,” but everything in life comes at a cost; nothing ever comes for free (forgive the cliche). Mr. Oh targets just about anyone but it’s the older woman who is lonely, struggling, desperate for love and attention, and who is newly divorced that succumbs quicker and easier to his seductions.  We all want to be loved and taken care of, but we all need to be smarter and realize that we must first take care of, and protect ourselves, and our loved ones. 

Contact me for your promotional-rate phone consultation on how to deal with a relationship with a narcissist, or the trauma you are suffering because of a relationship with a narcissist or sociopath.

mysociopath@gmail.com

Lynna, Author of the book, “My Sociopath”

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10 Phrases Used by A Sociopath When Posting Images of New Supply

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1. “She’s The Love of My Life,” or the “I Found The Love of My life,” variation.

Wait, didn’t you just have another, a different, Love of Your Life, plastered all over social media just six months ago?

But it’s all good: Your unthinking, un-evolved blind and mad ‘liking’ hanger-ons don’t think much past yesterday. Nothing like ‘hearting,’ and ‘thumb-upping,’ and ‘smiley-exciting’ someone’s bad behavior. Way to support the Cool Dude over his trail of “crazy, angry, bi-polar, cheating, using” women.

2. “I Got Lucky, This Time.”

Are you trying to say that your last “perfect one,” or your last “love of your life,” or the last image that you plastered all over social media was not “The Time?” But we all thought it was? So how can we believe you now? Are you trying to send a cruel message to your last supply, or act the victim with your flying-monkey followers, or perhaps both? I love all the ‘liking’ by your toxic followers who are supporting your victim-boy persona and your viciousness toward your “Last Love of Your Life.”

And “You got lucky?” Love is not “luck.” Love is hard work, honesty, loyalty, and oh, moral integrity. Since you have none of these qualities, I guess you do need “luck.” So in a way, “I Got Lucky, this Time,” is sort of accurate.

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3. “She’s Perfect.”

That’s extraordinary because no one is “perfect,” I mean that is besides you in your delusional head. The fact that you publicly broadcast something as ridiculous as this, and to a bunch of mere strangers, means that you have the emotional development of a turnip. I’m sorry to insult the turnips of the world.

Not to mention the impact of your statement on the most recent “perfect” supply. She is now set-up for a disaster…meaning, every time it is revealed that she is not “perfect,” or should I say, whenever it is revealed that she is a human, you will gaslight her, torment her, triangulate her, and ruin and destroy her; and, ultimately, isolate her from all your “perfect” followers and other members of your Perfect Sociopath Club. She will easily turn into the bad one, and crazy, and bi-polar; and thanks to the fact that you sit around on social-media all day, you now know the “borderline” word and can easily throw this label at any woman who doesn’t fall for your lies, cons, and manipulations.

Further note:  Our mothers and grandmothers were all “bi-polar;” we are all now borderline or histrionic. A generational shift in terminology when in fact, many of a good woman can act “crazy” because she is traumatized by a man. (And a traumatized woman will, in turn, traumatize a man; and round and round we go; or is it vice-versa? I will save this chicken-egg debate for another writing.)

 

4. “The Best Year of My Life” while displaying New Supply … again.

Then, may I ask, what was that weird freak, picture-show with you and that other “She’s Perfect” that you were displaying to your followers just a year before?

It seems as if Every Year is The Best Year of Your Life and it’s funny how this coincides with The New Supply for That Year.

I must partially agree with you on this one. You are having The Best Years of Your Life, every year, while the rest of us are lying in a heap of your Three-Ring Circus Sh*t Show. Thanks a lot. I’m sure The Next Year of Your Life is Going to Be Your Best Year of Your Life, too. I wonder who the next She’s Amazing, She’s Perfect, and She’s the Love of My Life is going to be next? That leads me to:

5. “She’s Amazing.”

Similar to “She’s Perfect.” No one is “amazing.” Sure, some of us may have more “amazing” moments than others but overall, we’re all just average; that is, except for you, you’re below-average but hide this fact behind your love-bombing, controlling our social, mental, emotional, and physical well-being, and by being a perverted and compulsive sex-addict that we wrongly confuse for an intense and emotional love-making connection.

We are all flawed humans. Give it a year, okay maybe 2-6 months, and she’s going to be bi-polar, borderline, angry, a whore, a cheater, crazy, a stalker, a jealous ex. You only think “she’s amazing” because you are horny for new supply but once you’ve had her a few times she’s going to be boring and a non-challenge. You are only driven by the challenge and once you win the ‘challenge’ your dull and lifeless soul reveals its ugly head and you need another She’s Amazing to make you feel alive.

Try being your own Amazing. I know that takes independent work and alone time, but you can do it. Nah, maybe not.

6. “She’s a Hot Mess.”

More typically said by the bad-boy type of narcissist/sociopath. An unthinking, shallow, trend phrase. She’s likely not “hot” but over-sexualized and excessively made-up in appearance & dramatic in interactions with others; and, well, the “mess” word implies that she’s crazy in bed. Do you really want a woman that is out-of-control in bed? She’s either emulating porn-scenes to try to sexually and then emotionally capture you, or she’s been around the block way too many times.

I know “crazy” is really awesome in bed but side-note: that frantic and wild jumping around is not normal, nor are the fake loud screams; ah-hum…I hate to break it to you but those are fake orgasms. Yes, many women make fake orgasm sounds to hook the man and to get the awful sex act that you wrongly believe is amazing, over with. I really wandered there. In reality, your “Hot Mess” is pretending she’s a porn-star to ‘play’ you, just like you’re playing her. And I know, you know that women fake orgasms – but never with you. You’re such a Hot Guy Mess.

Mr. Oh, who was featured in a chapter in my book, explained to me that “yes, women fake orgasms, but never with me.” Ah-hum, Okay.

On another turn of this coin: I particularly enjoy my fellow females that refer to themselves as “Hot Messes.” Who are you trying to attract and convince of your “sexiness?” I hope it’s not fellow females. And if you’re trying to convince your male followers that you’re a Hot Mess in Bed and simply disorganized but super sexy and in need of manly assistance, good luck with the quality of fellow you will certainly attract with that. And no need to emulate the rough and misogynist speech pattern of the male who demeans women through language. Men do that enough for us, we don’t need to do it to ourselves.

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7. “It’s Complicated,” as a status post.

Yes, it is Complicated because you are crazy and driving her crazy. Why don’t you “un-complicate” yourself first before you sit on social-media gathering ridiculous ‘likes’ and flying-monkeys? Just saying.

You are likely triangulating her, you know what I mean: that flirting with other women: the ol’ “she’s my friend” game.

Further Note: By the way, she’s NOT your friend and we know it. It is rare and unusual for a man and a woman to be true friends – without one or the other, or both, feeling sexual energy or hoping for ‘more’ in the end. Of course there are exceptions to this: Older men who are low in testosterone; gay individuals; and a guy and gal who grew up together and who never had an attraction toward one another.

But for the most part: Men and women get together to f***; they are NOT “friends.”

The whole male-female psychotic “friend” notion of our current-time is non-thinking chatter that manipulative people use as a triangulation weapon, a control device, against their primary partner. It is also a game-word that the two men and women involved, the two so-called “friends,” employ between each other, as a means to use each other for entertainment, a distraction, a buffer for other complicated personal relationships, and maid or handyman services. People enter into relationships with an agenda, whether they admit to it or not, and this particularly applies to male/female “friends.”

Okay, let’s go with it: “It is complicated.” You poor thing. But who, in the right mind, advertises that!

8. “She’s The Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me.”

This is so wrong and a red-flag on so many levels. Knowing what I know now about your crazy type, you know what I mean by “your crazy type?’: always advertising nonsense on social media, constantly “liking” other people’s posts so that you build up your flying-monkey crowd of supporters, but most of all plastering a “new supply face” all over your shallow social-media page every several months to perhaps – at your best – two years.

No one, absolutely no one, can “happen to you” and ultimately make you great. Isn’t that what you’re implying? Aren’t you also implying that you’re a sh*t and have been a sh*t in the past because “the others *weren’t* the best thing that ever happened to you?” I get it, it’s everyone else’s fault. But despite your social-media manipulation of words and images, here’s the reality:

No one is going to make you “great,” or be a “great” appendage to bring out your “greatness,” because you are inherently disturbed and refuse to take responsibility for your own actions. Perhaps if you got off of social-media, stopped worrying about your fake image, and feeding your flying monkeys and news-feed with nonsense wording and revolving supply images, you could work on “being the best thing that ever happened to *OTHERS.*”

Never mind…

9. “She’s Made Me a Better Man.”

This one sounds really awesome but if we look further into it, it’s a manipulation of words. First, you are *almost* taking responsibility for your past relationship problems – but in a very strange way. You’re half admitting to something, a vague something, but for social-media eyes only. It seems as if you are communicating with an ex, or exes, and are trying to let them know that they weren’t good enough to “make you a better man.” That it’s their fault that you are a sh*t.

Also, you are trying to explain away your revolving targets that have been displayed in a constant stream of blurriness on your feed. It’s a “I was good before, maybe a blemish or two, but nothing serious at all, but now, I’m super amazing….” sort of thing.

Mostly, you are saying that “good women make good men.” Essentially, you are not taking responsibility for your previous life-long train-wrecks but attempting to put this burden on the backs of previous supply … while pedestaling and idealizing new supply. Genius.

10. “It’s Fresh.”

If you think I’m making this one up, I assure you I’m not.

My Sociopath used this all over social-media as he was posting images of his new supply. This meant, obviously, that I was “Not Fresh.” I was old supply, or to get down to the truth, I was supply that no longer looked at him with admiring eyes as the Prince on the White Horse. I called him out on his lies, frauds, and manipulations, financial irresponsibility (mostly with my money), high-risk and irresponsible behaviors, and tried to make him an honest and accountable person. Big mistake when dealing with someone with a personality and/or mental disorder.

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I really don’t know what’s worse: The sociopath’s public display of his latest revolving supply or all the followers that support his abuse of women.

Please add your favorite Sociopath’s Headline for Posting the New Supply’s Image below, or on Facebook at “My Sociopath.”

Lynna, Author of My Sociopath, the book.

Now on sale in digital and paperback format at Amazon and Barnes & Noble.

Contact me here, on Facebook, or on Twitter, to ask how to get a low-cost phone consultation with the Author of “My Sociopath.”

Top Image: Poster La Comédie. crazy happiness, Chéret, Jules (1836-1932), French painter and lithographer who became a master of Belle Époque poster art. He has been called the father of the modern poster. By Liszt Collection

Where Are The Real Alpha Males?

The Alpha Male and Cluster B’s: And some defining differences between the sociopath and the narcissist:

My Sociopath cringed and spit inner-venom when faced with an alpha male. The sociopath has to be top-dog and this is why he picks on and overpowers women and why his enabling male supporters are more effeminate in nature (men without dominate male characteristics).

This is because the sociopath is no man at all but gets to play a ‘man’ around the weaker sex and weaker people in general. The sociopath’s cover is blown around an alpha male because the alpha male sees right through him. Not only does the alpha male see right through the sociopath, but the alpha male cannot be manipulated, “bought,” controlled, or made into a flying monkey. But most importantly, the alpha male is competition in the area of real manhood; not fake and manufactured manhood.

You must know that though sociopaths appear as the “man in charge,” deep down they are cowards. All bullies are cowards.

My Sociopath was such a coward that if an alpha male walked into our business, and I should wait on him, his sociopath eyes flickered and darted with evil. When the alpha male left, I was interrogated and accused of “checking out his crotch.” The sociopath then made me do a ‘crotch comparison’ or determine who had the better looking crotch – the sociopath or the alpha male? Sociopaths are primal, devolved, and base; nothing of a higher-level going on with them. I cringe that I lowered myself to live this hellish life.

What has my life become that I just wrote about “crotch comparisons?” 

Narcissists, on the other hand, will want to befriend the alpha male. Why? Narcissists are more into name and title-dropping. Narcissists are better at using other people to make themselves look good and depend more on their social connections to gain a sense of their own identity.

Sure, My Sociopath used me to look good as well…but I was also in a weaker position so I remained on his puppet-string. A male sociopath will not target an alpha female that is bitchy and aggressive.  Hence, some sociopaths will target Filipinas and Asians because they deem them as ‘weaker’ (though they may put on the weak and submissive facade, they can be just as manipulative and crafty as any other woman).

Back to the narcissist: Narcissists can stand on their own – hold their own – more than a sociopath, so the alpha male will not be such an overwhelming threat to the narcissist. Also, narcissists have more of a core-identity than does the sociopath. Sociopaths are blanks, voids and this is why they take on our identity and our core-way of being. Narcissists are more self-identified than the sociopath. Basically, a narcissist can stand head-to-head with another male; sure in his head he may be thinking duel but the feeling of camaraderie, or hanging out with a cool male, may override his feeling to draw out his sword.

Sociopaths will not be attracted to the Borderline woman. Why? Borderline women are often histrionic and as a result, engage in not only wild sex, but love bombing. Love bombing and wild sex are more aggressive traits or typical male qualities. And just like the alpha male, borderline women are too much work and too much of a threat for the sociopath male.

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The female borderline and her outer-crazy is a dominating match to the sociopath’s inner-crazy and the sociopath will not be dominated. And there is no way that the male sociopath will risk the female borderline/histrionic cheating on him. The sociopath is not only the main cheater of the relationship, but the only cheater allowed.

We were not permitted to have sex with anyone before the sociopath came along and he will make damn sure to slander, smear and triangulate us after so that we can never have sex with anyone else ever again. Not to mention that he destroyed our physical, mental, emotional, and financial health so much that it takes us years to bounce back enough to go out and have sex again.

You might say that the borderline woman is similar to an alpha male but with a different “male” approach that is more crazy and acting-out in nature. But unlike the cool, reserved, in-control alpha male, the borderline female is an out-of-control dominant “male.” Yes, I’m saying that borderline women are aggressive and therefore imbued with manly qualities. And going back to the beginning of this writing, sociopaths are intimidated by manly-men that may compete with their fake “manhood” and within their controlled environment.

However, the narcissist will be attracted to the borderline and histrionic female. Again, the narcissist identifies himself more with the appearance of the “cool crowd” and is less threatened by the members of these “cool circles.”

And many borderline and histrionic women are aggressive in their mannerisms: hanging out in bars and clubs; boobs hanging out; drugs and/or alcohol; loud music; and sexualized tattoos and piercings. The narcissist feels flattered that such a woman would be hanging all over him in a public situation. And the narcissist would not be threatened by, nor feel in competition with, the more manly traits of a borderline such as hyper-sex, love-bombing, cheating, and other more manly-qualities but instead, he will be more aroused and flattered by it.

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The male narcissist is fooled and flattered by the fake screams, the fake orgasms and the unnatural and inauthentic jumping around that the female borderline/histrionic engages in during sex with him (part of her love bombing; her pretend porn-scene acting; her trying to win him back after cheating). The narcissist believes himself to be Zeus with the best penis on Olympus. This same behavior during sex may intimidate the sociopath because the sociopath has to be in control of the sex (this is not saying they are good at sex – just in control of it).

My Sociopath was repulsed by hyper-sexual and aggressive women (again, too much competition for his ‘manhood’).

To summarize: The sociopath preys upon the teacher, the nurse, the nurturer, the care-taker. The narcissist, on the other hand, may end up with a borderline and/or histrionic (though this union will be explosive, volatile, and hell on earth).

To cut through this even more: I think that I just wrote that narcissists are more “manly” than sociopaths. That’s not saying a lot because sociopaths are not men at all – but are bullies and cowards that pick on girls and manipulate girlish-men.

Did I write that the alpha male is the true man? Yes. But before you go seeking an alpha male, make sure that the using and manipulating narcissist or sociopath is not taking on the appearance of an alpha male. They can all look similar. And to be brutally honest, there are so few real alpha males out there that it is unlikely we will find one. I give up.

We need more alpha males on this planet: not spineless men who enable sociopaths; not sociopaths and narcissists who appear like alpha males; not borderline/histrionic females that act like males. Yes, alpha males “control” women and their environment but this is not the same as destroying a woman and her environment, nor does it mean to manipulate and use a woman, and it certainly does not mean to use and mistreat a woman because she is kind and forgiving. 

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Real alpha males take care of and protect women – not bad women, but good women. You know the Aphrodite and Ares thing. Yes, Ares was a war god but he was also courageous and he defended truth, understanding, and the underdog. Sociopaths and narcissists are not courageous, but are cowards, who use and exploit those they deem weaker.

Lynna, Author of “My Sociopath”
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