Healing From Trauma: Learn, Find Focus, Emerge, See & Hear Our Teachers

The only way we’re going to heal from trauma is to find our passion, develop and manifest our creativity, and to keep moving.

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In order to heal and evolve we have to learn to focus and to get rid of distractions that aren’t leading to our growth and contributing to our better health – physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual health. A key to this is to listen and learn. We are surrounded by great “teachers” and learning and growth opportunities but we have to open our ears and eyes to the messages they carry and to not be so critical. Trauma can cause us to be overly critical, hostile, hypersensitive, excluding, and isolating.  

Start tuning in to what your “teachers” are telling you.

Everyone has words of wisdom and most everyone wants to impart their wisdom onto others. We all just want to be listened to – to be heard.

I practice listening to my young students and boy do they have powerful things to say. I was once tutoring math and my 15-year-old student said, “My aunt’s crazy … she’s getting married to a man she’s only known for a few months. I don’t ever want to be that desperate for a man like that. I want to be independent first. I want to travel the world.  I want to be a fashion designer.”

This young lady was terrible in math, I mean she didn’t know how to multiply but was merely socially-promoted into Algebra. I did most of the Algebra problems for her so we didn’t have to sit there for a week (I know, bad of me), but in other ways, more important ways, this young lady was smarter – more wise – than me. 

Wow, did I become alert and way beyond Algebra-Alert. This happened shortly after my divorce to a sociopath. And wait: A 15-year-old has her act together more than me! I might need to fix something within me.  

And it’s a misnomer that we shouldn’t  listen to the smoker who tells us about the ill-effects of smoking: They know this better than any non-smoker does; they have direct and first-hand knowledge. Our “teachers” are everywhere: Even my doggie tells me to just slow down on our walks … breathe, and pay attention to the trees, bushes, squirrels, and butterflies.

Learn … Take Classes. 

As soon as we stop listening, learning, growing, evolving we wither away. My 75-year-old neighbor’s wife died after 50 years of marriage. He was her caretaker for the last ten-years of their marriage. Bill mourned and introspected for almost 2 years and then signed up for Ballroom Dancing classes. He struggled with coordination. He is a Vietnam War Vet who was exposed to Agent Orange and as a result, he’s had several triple-bypass surgeries. One year into his Ballroom Dance classes he found another love: A 68-year old lady whose husband died a year previous after their 40 years of marriage.  

After I divorced and was left financially and psychologically devastated by the sociopath, Bill tried to be kind toward me and get me to take Ballroom Dance classes with him. I couldn’t go; I was too traumatized. I could barely move; I was physically and emotionally sick.

But Bill planted the seed that sprouted two years later: Get moving; get learning; get back out there.

This example applies to a more recreational pursuit but the same concept should be applied toward classes/workshops/conferences that grow and enhance our health and well-being, job, skill-set, and career.

Winter School Classes
Great, Donation-Based Classes in Oceanside, CA – February 10-17, 2019

If you’re drawn to religion or spiritualism, then explore different spiritual/religious organizations.

Here is where it gets tricky: You may not like everyone or agree with everything an organization is saying and doing. This may or may not be due to past trauma, fear, anxiety, or stress. But we should search for at least a comfortable fit.

A part of our healing is to not find perfection, but to find our own focus, to push ourselves along, and to create our own learning and growth within a larger group or organization.

Learning to rise above the more insignificant matters of contention that may arise in relationships and within groups is part of learning and growing beyond our trauma and primal reaction to fight or flight (ah-hum, burning our bridges). I am not referring to ignoring and bypassing predatory or sociopath issues but to *not* get caught in the trappings of the more personality issues and day-to-day organizational squabbles.

When we rise above the more insignificant issues instead of “throwing out the baby with the bathwater” and ultimately retreating into our own isolation, we can then introduce and integrate our own insights – in a kind, not PTSD and reactionary way –  into this already established structure. But because of our own personality issues (due to trauma & abuse – or perhaps not), we seek perfection and burn bridges with people, places, classes, and organization that may help us move forward.   Or, at the least, if we should happen to stumble, again, into and upon really bad people, places, and things we can better learn discernment and where to navigate to next.  

What am I trying to say?  

Find your passion, your calling and *focus* on developing everything you can in the area where your interests and dreams lie.  The petty drama that no doubt enters into any relationship or group – whether that be in the classes you take, mystery schools you enter, or spiritual/religious organizations you join is insignificant to why you are there … to push yourself forward and to reintegrate yourself amongst a healthier social-structure that is focused on learning and growth.  

Note: Yes, I just threw “mystery school” into this post. I plan on writing a article on the positive aspects to mystery schools. Just a brief statement for now: Mystery schools are *not* evil cults – despite the creepy-spin that has been put on them by society and people who really don’t know what they are. Mystery schools are about developing F-O-C-U-S – a focused mind and life – controlling our emotions, and strengthening our sense of loyalty (unlike a sociopath), perseverance (unlike a sociopath), service work (empathy), and group-spirit (real love, not lust). I believe mystery schools are especially important for the lost and floundering male of our current society and world.  

When you do your own work first – studying and learning in the area of your passion – you can then bring your own knowledge to the forefront of these groups and institutions. Things will not be perfect in whatever group/class/organization you join, but this is *not* about perfection of the external structure: It’s about our own focus and learning, and this is best done through finding “teachers” that can help us along.  

We tend to want to isolate ourselves after trauma. We don’t trust the world. We’re too critical about new and interesting opportunities that may help us grow outward and upward.

Once you’ve had time to ‘mourn’ your losses and to introspect, we must push ourselves back out there to find our “teachers” who will help us grow. These teachers and learning opportunities are everywhere: We just have to listen, stop being so critical and judgmental, and look for open-doors and learning opportunities everywhere we go.

Yes, we can and should do a lot of studying on our own but there comes a time in our life when we may want to merge our independent-growth with a group-growth. This may not be for everyone and that’s okay; but if you should feel at the “end of your isolation rope” (as I feel) and have the urge to explore outward … then we have learning and growing opportunities available; we just have to be willing to open our ears and eyes to them.  

The battle of a traumatized person is to not be overly-critical and hyper-sensitive to our own detriment but to avoid isolation and to welcome-in our “teachers.”

I’m posting a schedule below of really great, donation-based, Winter School Classes offered in Oceanside, CA, 2222 Mission Avenue, 92058 from February 10-17, 2019. The classes range from art, to music, to the bible, to health and nutrition, to math and science, and to a whole day of astrology. I used to be close-minded about Astrology until I opened my eyes to see and my ears to listen to the “teachers” around me: Astrology is Science and Geometry – Math.  

With Love,

Lynna, Author of “My Sociopath,” On Sale At Amazon and Barnes & Noble

Winter-School-Feb10-Feb11
Great, Donation-Based Classes, Oceanside, CA, Feb. 10-17, 2019
Winter-School-Feb12-Feb13
Great, Donation-Based Classes, Oceanside, Feb. 10-17 2019

Classes, February 10-17. Oceanside, CA
Great, Donation-Based Classes in Oceanside, CA, February 10-17, 2019.

Let’s Talk About Sociopaths – Live Event

Paula and Lynna will be hosting an informal discussion on anything related to sociopaths, narcissists, and psychopaths. Come join us live in Encinitas, Ca on May 2, 2017 at 6:00pm. We look forward to meeting you. Lynna and Paula

You’re invited to an informal talk with Paula and Lynna on anything related to sociopaths, narcissists, and psychopaths.

Paula Carrasquello is the author of “Escaping the Boy: My Life with a Sociopath” and Unashamed Voices: True Stories Written by Survivors of Domestic Violence, Rape and Fraud: Exposing Sociopaths in Our Midst.”  Lynna Kivela is the author of “My Sociopath.”

Bring your questions about destructive personalities and how you were affected and we’ll give you our insight on ways to heal, recover and move on to have a great life after an abusive relationship.

Day: Tuesday, May 2, 2017
Time: 6:00pm-7:30pm
Cost: No Cost
Where: Encinitas Library, Meeting Room, Seating is limited so let us know if you might be coming
540 Cornish Dr, Encinitas, CA 92024
Phone: (760) 753-7376 (library)

Conveniently located between the 5 freeway and Coast 101.

Message here or on Facebook to let us know you’re coming or for more information.

We look forward to meeting you.

Lynna and Paula

Heal From A Sociopath Using Your Emotions: Take Back Your Emotional Power

Emotions are a good thing to express despite the prevalent and false rhetoric that those who show emotions are out-of-control. But in this rhetoric is the key: Express emotions in a controlled and consistent way and with a foundation of your integrity, character, higher-spirit, and with focus on the greater good. This is expanding your emotional body to meet with your physical and mental body. You are using intelligence and wisdom to express HIGH emotions in a physical world through actions.

socrates
Socrates Teaching Before His Execution

The Artist, Writer, Poet, Philosopher, Painter, Singer, Dancer, Service-Worker for the sick and needy (humans and animals) are examples of people who express higher and controlled emotions. Socrates, up until the moment of his death by execution (drinking poison), sat in a prison teaching words of wisdom to his followers and students who so desperately needed to hear his last thoughts on the meaning of life.

Controlled emotions is not the dead look, dead expression, monotone voice of a person quoting a spiritual or bible verse.  This is just creepy.

Being religious or spiritual does not mean that when a person in crisis approaches you, you simply repeat: “We are all brothers…see the light.” This is not controlled emotions: this is cruelty disguised as spirituality and it is abusive to the person in need.

Controlled emotions is not of cold detachment but it is of being there, present in the moment, to spiritually unit with people on their level and to try to help in any good way possible and within your means.

Controlled emotions is not doing the following on social media: swearing; over-posting; posting nonsense and meaningless words and selfies that lack a higher purpose; or mass exposing our children, love-life, or dates (our pets are okay though:)). Social media is a great tool for expanding the consciousnesses of humanity and should only be used for a higher purpose.

Nor does controlled emotions mean to publicly fight it out with someone, on the internet or in real life, by revealing them, your squabble, or basically your one-sided and often warped version of events, to a mass of others to gain validation and support. This is called bullying.

It is okay, however, to seek others, that are directly involved and relevant to the situation, to help and guide you through your conflict. But this is to be done with a loving heart and with an openness to see your own errors.  This is controlled emotions.

But how does all this relate to Sociopaths?

Sociopaths lack any sense of controlled emotions. Controlled emotions are based on the consistency of wisdom and truth that is grounded in integrity, character, endurance and focus. Think of the bulling example that I just noted. Sociopaths create hatred, confusion and bullying between people (triangulating).
Sociopaths have none of the traits or characteristics listed above. Let’s rename them: wisdom, truth, integrity, character, endurance, focus…

Sociopaths are such chaotic forces amongst us, and the innocent people, children and pets that surround us, because they do not have an emotional body connected to their physical body, soul or higher spirit. (Not to mention their damaged mental body – a different topic for discussion.) Sociopaths are disconnected entities…lost and forever seeking instant gratification…they are never satiated…for long..

Warning! Be Careful of those who come across too “spiritual.”

True satiation comes through soul purpose and this is an inner-process,  and must be sought through individual and higher work. Sociopaths are incapable of inner-work; everything they do is to seek external pleasure and attention. However, be careful, some sociopaths take on the superficial image of a religious or spiritual person seeking enlightenment. Be cautious of anyone that exudes too much “spirituality.” Truly spiritual people don’t come across “spiritual” because they are too busy working for the earth, animals and humanity as a whole.
The sociopath’s emotional body is a cloudy and blurred mess of a mass that haphazardly surrounds them, not securely attaching to their physical body (etheric double), nor their higher mental body (causal, soul).

A sociopath merely seeks instant satisfaction, gratification, pleasure, attention, validation for each and every moment of his existence; nothing for him/her is based on firmly attached and healthy emotions regarding who he/she is, REALLY IS, without another person, obsession, or a shallow material object defining what is in reality, his temporary and fleeting “meaning.”

Everything a sociopath is and does is to obtain loneliness-relief for his sick and obsessively needy emotions that centers around gaining acceptance, attention and approval. A sociopath is perpetually lonely, no matter who they gather around them for boredom relief, and nothing and no one can ever satiate them for long. This is why nothing in their life ever endures or lasts.

If you pay attention, sociopaths emit a chaotic, unbalanced, and unfocused energy (look at their eyes: either predatory or deadened) of dulled muddy colors of dark-brown and grey. This is in contrast to the enlightened artist, philosopher, or true service-worker for humanity who has a well-defined emotional aura that is secured to their physical and mental life – their words match their actions and the life they lead – and radiates clear colors of bright apple green, tints of rose, and blue tones.

In a nutshell: Sociopaths are erratic, inconsistent, spoiled, entitled, untrustworthy, unpredictable, unreliable, selfish and because of this, will always go through life causing destruction to everything and everyone that surrounds them. Nothing they do is based in truth, endurance or reality. Everything sociopaths do is in pursuit of low-lust and attention with a sickened energy of their selfish need for obsessive and neurotic control.

Sociopaths are out-of-control and ruin lives just to run to their next food, drink, sex, attention, validation, mother care-taking, codependent and often toxically needy source (a human-lust object) that crosses their path and glances their way.

Here’s the most important point though and one that will bring you solace:

Sociopaths ruin their own lives because they are so out-of-touch with any sense of a healthy, steadfast, focused, and grounded emotional existence that they don’t even realize it…they see and realize NOTHING. Remember the clouded mess of a murky mass of an undefined and brownish, greyish emotional body that surrounds them? Sociopaths do NOT introspect for this would require alone-time and sociopaths cannot be alone. This is why they relationship-jump themselves into ruination after ruination without ever seeing, let alone stopping, their destructive life-pattern. Essentially, Sociopaths keep destroying themselves over and over without pause or reflection (of course it’s always the fault of someone else, hehe).

Let sociopaths go from one erratic emotional mess to the next. In the mean time, keep yourself safe and become that Artist, Philosopher, Dancer, Singer, Poet, Writer, Worker for Humanity…Be a Creator. This is the true, healing, enduring, and prospering emotional life that is attached to both the physical world of great actions and to the mental world of high thoughts and learning.

Emotions are great. Show and express them well. Through a healthy and focused emotional life, we heal from the chaos and destruction that the sociopath’s out-of-control emotional body caused us. Take control of your Emotional Body for healing through great and focused creations.

Lynna, Author of “My Sociopath – An Empath’s Soul Journey Among Sociopaths.”
Now on sale at Amazon and Barnes and Noble.

Do Not Act Crazy

deliberationI first discovered that social and sexual predators live amongst us a few years ago, and they will socially, emotionally, and financially destroy us in the most covert and devastating of ways possible if we call them out on something or if we stop enabling them.
Before my landing into knowledge of Sociopaths, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and Borderline Personality Disorder, all that I knew was that I was magnetically drawn to bad, slightly creepy (the extent of their creepiness was only fully revealed to me close to the end of the relationship), older men that had a history of dysfunctional intimate relationships and strange emotional relationships with their mothers, and I was going to be the Great, Almighty, Ultra-Female Savior.  I was, unbeknownst to me, seeking out my emotionally and physically abusive father.  I always sacrificed myself, forgave the unforgivable way too many times, was loyal to the disloyal and trusted the untrustworthy…
I went down with the sinking ship as he bailed out, saved himself, and watched me drown.  (This is more common with females that are abused and/or neglected in childhood and/or are co-dependent.)
Even in the end, after I was destroyed everywhere and in every way, I never believed he was that bad and perhaps everything was a misunderstanding.
Only in looking back now can I see that I was an emotional mess in trying to save the un-saveable.  Only now, am I holding my self in-check as I behave with steadiness and with an air of keeping to the facts as someone does something devastating to me.  Yes, I still attract bad men…bad people…but I am becoming smarter…if that’s possible in regards to what I just admitted:
I’m getting out quicker than ever before.  Though still not quick enough.  I am working on this.  I still stay with a man after I catch him in lies or deception or treachery and employ my Teaching & Saving Methods with him.  I have a hard time stopping myself…I am a natural teacher, a natural saver, and my degrees are in teaching.  I “Teach” him when he is destroying me…not good, I know, but it’s a step up from being emotionally out-of-control and screaming as so many others are driven to do when provoked, smeared, betrayed, and gas-lighted by these soul-detached creatures.
I am no longer having over-reactions to treachery and deceptions.  I’m used to it now. Perhaps this is not the most positive statement of the current “new age,” “spiritual” movement but it is reality and “spiritualism” is supposed to be real and authentic and not canned new-agey records playing out of people’s mouths.  Instead, I am being a realistic voice in the world of treachery and for those who are harmed by social and sexual predators, exploiters and manipulators, deceivers and users, gas-lighters and shamers, bullies and social-smearers and destroyers…
Now, I am meeting with other victims of covert abusers that have been triangulated, smeared, isolated and portrayed as the “abuser” when trying to stop the real abuser from harming them further…the real abuser now portraying themselves as the ultimate “victim.” This is ugly stuff and we can be socially and financially ruined as a result and many of us stay stuck in this cycle, or repeat this cycle way too many times with way too many people.  There is plenty circulating around on the Empath – Narcissist natural attraction and I will not repeat this concept here.
I now have a perspective from two angles: A person trying to help victims and a person that has been fighting her way out of bad, childhood programming and the resulting sick relationships that I attract and tolerate and the ultimate realization that I must retrain my emotions to be under my control and NOT in control of me.
Here is what I’ve come to discover and it is key to our survival:

We cannot look and act crazy ourselves!

I have met so many victims that act overly aggressive, mean, judgmental, hostile, out-of-control and crazy!  I understand that this may be trauma and stress…I understand the chaos and confusion in our minds and spirits…but this is used against us and we play into society’s programming that “women are emotional nuts” and this allows predators to eat us alive even more.  I know all this because this was me at one time and now I am seeing my former-self in others.  Most importantly, when we are seeking help and resources people will not want to help us if we are agitated, aggressive (different from assertive) and angry.

WE DO NOT WANT TO LOOK OR ACT LIKE THE ABUSER!

I used to think that if I acted desperate enough people would believe in me and want to help me.  This is not true.  People will instead use our emotional displays against us and abandon us as a result. 

The most important job I have in a world of predators that eat me alive (besides writing and helping those affected) is to NOT act crazy.  This does NOT mean that we should not defend ourselves and advocate.  Unfortunately we live in a sick world, of sick people, that use appropriate emotions for what happened to us, for what they themselves may do to us, against us, to throw the “crazy” word at us…to paint us on a social canvas as being “bad.”  We cannot fall into this trap.

But how do we not act “crazy,” aka emotional, when we are being harmed, manipulated, lied to, betrayed, violated and socially ruined?

  • Pretend that you are an actor!  Just like the sociopath or narcissist does but we are doing it for the good…not for manipulation, control or power.
  • Hold yourself steady and calm and explain what happened to you, or what is still happening to you, with dignity and grace.
  • Detach from your emotions and go straight to your mental.  You are moving your toxic energy away from your solar plexus and you are transferring it up into your mental intellect.
  • Imagine yourself as an Observer, a Reporter and you are stating facts to inform, to enlighten, to educate, and to bring awareness to an issue.
  • Control your speech, facial expressions and mannerisms.
  • Do not act aggressive or hostile but instead act with pleasant self-assurance and confidence.
  • Write eloquent and informative letters to appropriate agencies and send them off.  State only facts and try to leave emotions out of it.

This is similar to my being a teacher. I am a teacher in real life but under harmful conditions, I have to remember to put my teacher-hat on and explain things in a way that I will not be looked at as the “crazy” one.

Just like with anything we learn…This takes training!  I am a single-woman that lives in mentally-disturbed Southern California, Coastal, and it is sheer desperation and madness out here…everyone desperately chasing everyone…everyone using everyone for attention, stimulation, and gratification and I am in constant “training” to keep myself in check amongst the selfish-users and exploiters running the streets out there. I am truly in the Land of Narcissism.  (Not that Southern Californian’s physical geography is mentally-disturbed, but you know what I mean.)

The above is imperative to do because when social annihilators are harming us, they act cold, detached, un-emotional, vacant, removed and count on us acting “crazy.” We then look like the “abuser” and they do look like the “victim.”  We just played the perfect part in their sick game of power, control, smearing, sabotaging, social isolation, division, and triangulation.

In a perfect world it would be recognized that those who show appropriate emotions are the normal ones and those who show vacancy and detachment during stressful times are indeed the sick ones.  But we do NOT live in a perfect world and this logical dynamic is twisted upside down.

This is how the disturbed and destructive people survive and are able to receive pity for being “victims” and villainize us as the “abusers:”  They DON’T REACT….They PLAY DEAD…They wait for us to crumble.  They have this game down to a science. They are NOT that smart but are Master Social Game Players and we need to learn to not fall into their trap.
If we can’t beat them, we must join them.  However, we will not PLAY DEAD when evil walks amongst us…we will advocate, speak, write, seek help and guidance and we will do this in a deliberate and controlled manner…with grace and dignity.  This is the only way we will survive…
image: Statue called Deliberation

My Wishes for you in 2016

My Wishes for You in 2016:

2016

1. Do not be that person desperately chasing love and attention.

Do not seek desperate attention.  Do not try to transform everyone you meet into a source of romance, attention or into a sexual partner.

Instead:  Work on strengthening and improving yourself, your home, your family, your job, your mind, your heart, your art.  Do charity work.

2. Do not sell yourself out on social media or dating sites.

Instead:  Focus on the people who’ve always been in your life and who need you the most.  Meet good people in libraries, in museums, in educational environments, doing charity work and on walks.  Create friendships and work-driven endeavors that revolve around an art, a new educational pursuit, a creative or business venture, or charity work.  Only use social media as a tool for a business or charity or to spread intelligent awareness.

3. Do not lower yourself to the current primitive norms of society:

Over-exposure of body parts; sexting; low-level sex; selfies; “partying;” attention-seeking and instant gratification behaviors; constant texting and obsessive preoccupation with your phone; excessive social media preoccupation and over-posting; obsessive and compulsive flirting; low-grade seductive behavior (seduction is a game of manipulation).

Instead:  Act with Grace and Dignity.  What ever the current low-level phase of humanity is going through, do and be the opposite.  When others are disgracing themselves for low-level attention and stimulation, be intelligent, pure and clean.

4. Do not be consumed with spiritual (“new age”) or religious quotes, readings, ideology, rhetoric or agendas.

Instead:  Act by doing Good Work.  Do helpful deeds and actions for humans, the earth, and the animals.  Avoid airy and lofty words but instead focus on direct action for your own betterment and for those around you.  There has to come a point in your life where you incorporate all your spiritual and/or religious knowledge into direct and good action to positively enhance those around you and to help advance humanity.  Stop reading, thinking, and talking and start DOING.  

5. Do not remain silent when someone is hurting another human being or animal.

Instead:  Speak as a teacher with intelligence, wisdom, guidance, and love. Compassion is NOT remaining silent when destruction is occurring – that is Sociopathy or Apathy and Abusive – but it is speaking with truth and heart to stop more hurt from spiraling outward toward others.

6.  Do not be sad when alone.  People that cannot be alone, seek out the company of most anyone that shows up.  This often leads to miserable and unhealthy outcomes.  

Instead:  Use lone time to set the foundations for expansion of yourself to grow in new and brilliant ways.  Take steps to improve your diet, health, home and financial surroundings.  When your inner sanctuary is clean and functioning you can then present yourself to the world in a brilliant way that serves the good of humanity.  You will not be desperate for people-attention but you will instead naturally gather healthy people around you that are fellow soul-workers for the earth and humanity.

In this, you will Never be Alone and Your 2016 will be Spectacular!

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