Narcissists Are Love-Addicts

Narcissists don’t set out to be abusive. They become abusive when the fantasy-idealized image of their Fairytale Love Relationship turns into real life and real responsibility; when he’s held accountable. In fact, narcissists and sociopaths are love-addicts but lack the necessary tools to create and maintain healthy and adult relationships. The narcissist becomes abusive toward the current partner during the devalue and discard stage of the relationship, or when he becomes obsessed and fixated on finding his next ‘perfect and idealized love image. ‘

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It’s a misnomer that narcissists/sociopaths do not love. They love intensely … but it’s not a love that most of us know of, or understand – it’s not a love of responsibility, accountability, loyalty, or partnership.  A narcissist’s version of love is the fantasy-idealization stage. This is where they believe they met the person of their dreams who will forever fulfill their life needs. What this actually means is: Another person that will forever cater to the narcissist’s intense emotional and mental needs by being constantly compliant, attentive, nurturing, giving, soothing … basically a person that will be a mind-reading caretaker. Narcissists are attracted to nurse aides, teachers, and caretakers.

Narcissists cannot self-soothe, self-satiate, self-fulfill, or build their own sense-of-self through hard work and discipline. It’s the admiring and validating reflection of others that energizes a narcissist. In the beginning stages of a relationship – we are fawning all over the narcissist’s image personified – and we are also portraying ourselves as ‘the best, unconditional loving, and most compliantly loving woman and caretaker he will ever have.’ This is also known as the honeymoon period and both parties participate in this fantasy.

Narcissists are in love in this beginning period of the relationship – their version of love, ah hum, lust, and they do believe that we will be their Fairytale Princess who will complete their lives … forever. But a narcissist doesn’t  want to deal with reality – the ups-and-downs of a relationship – the partnership aspect of a relationship – the get-down-and-dirty, work, build, and sacrifice part of a relationship. Narcissists haven’t emotionally developed beyond a 3-year-old playing in a sandbox, grabbing the shovel from the little girl, and putting a dramatic show on until all the mothers on the playground pay attention to him only, and are forced – out of social awkwardness –  to tell him and his mother how cute he is. Narcissists believe that they get to do what they want to do, when they want to do it, and still have a ‘relationship,’ or should I say, still have a nice, compliant, and doting woman waiting for him at home. 

When real life and real responsibility sets into his current relationship, the narcissist-sociopath re-creates another fantasy-idealized partner that will be his ‘fix.’ This idealized-image can be anyone: a co-worker, someone on Facebook, a neighbor, his current partner’s friend or sister.  It’s a repeat of his delusional mind-programming: The next woman, a new woman, will be the perfect lover, angelic kitchen goddess, and caretaker; she will be his soulmate; she will fill his void.  It was always the sociopath or narcissist in my life that told me – soon after meeting me – that he believed me to be his soulmate; but in strange contrast – me, being a woman and all – never talked such foolishness. The narcissist-sociopath believes himself to be fourteen and his fantasy-idealized girl will be all food, f*cks, fun;  no responsibility, no hard work, no sacrifice, no equality. The narcissist lives for the honeymoon period; this is where he is the happiest and most energetic. 

Picasso
Picasso’s ‘Head of a Woman’

I don’t believe that the narcissist-sociopath sets out to be abusive; but to the contrary, he sets out to be that Knight on The Whitehorse. In fact, most, if not all, narcissists see themselves as good and loving human beings. But because the narcissist-sociopath lacks basic human qualities of an evolved and mature man such as possessing integrity, character, loyalty, focus, discipline, and the ability to delay gratification, he destroys everything he touches – including his once fantasy-idealized princess. Soon after the love-bombing, honeymoon period, lust stage goes away, and real life and real responsibility sets in, the narcissist grows bored and needs his next ‘fix;’ a new and adoring ‘princess.’

When the narcissist-sociopath devalues his current partner and relationship, and fantasy-idealizes another person, he becomes abusive to his current partner. In his delusional mind, he blames his current target for destroying his ‘perfect life of food, f*cks, and fun.’ To take this a step further: The narcissist believes he is entitled to a life of food, f*cks, and fun – and a willing partner that will happily – without saying a word and without asking for anything – go along with this lifestyle.

Let’s face it: When he is love-bombing us, we’re playing the role of the happy, smiling, doting, cool and accepting, little girl standing in the corner and compliantly worshiping our big, hero man with a huge and fantastic penis. So, in a way, we too pulled the rug out from under the narcissist’s belief that we were his perfect, quiet and sacrificing princess. I mean come on, we’re tired and worn out from catering to all his baby brat needs and soothing away all his emotional mind-fuckery trickery.  (I digressed with the “fantastic penis” add in, but allow me to digress even further: most narcissists don’t have great sexual prowess – we only believe they do because we’re being love-bombed by our White Knight; and if they do, by chance, have anything spectacular going on down there: it’s dirty!). 

I believe the narcissist-sociopath is a love-addict and his abusive nature sets in when his fantasy-idealization delusion of ‘the perfect love’ is shattered. As many of us already know, many narcissists are sex-addicts, but in this realization, we didn’t think further in that many sex-addicts are also love-addicts.  But the thing is, they don’t have the ability to keep loving relationships going because they’re not loyal or trustworthy, and they’re prone to boredom, and they have no ability to delay gratification and self-soothe. I believe narcissists and sociopaths desperately want love, but have no evolutionary skills to obtain it (heck, they don’t even have a moral compass).

A narcissist wants and craves in us the unconditional love of a mother but does such horrible things that a truly loving ‘mother’ would beat the sh*t out of him and thus, do a service for the well-being of humanity.   

Narcissists and sociopaths turn abusive after the idealization stage of the honeymoon period is over. During the love-bombing stage, well, they’re not only very loving, but they believe in love. But it’s not an adult concept of real and enduring love; it’s a fun and f*ck love. When the narcissist half wakes-up from his delusion of fantasy, Fairytale Love, and has to be accountable and responsible, he becomes abusive to the target in place. The narcissist devalues and discards as a way to not only preserve his fragile ego and masked sense-of-self, but to balk at another ruined relationship and to give himself permission to seek refuge, solace, and redemption in the ‘love’ of yet another perfect and idealized image of ‘love.’

Lynna, Author of the book, “My Sociopath”

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Image Credit: Picasso’s ‘Head of a Woman’ (1960) ©2014 SUCCESSION PICASSO/ARTIST RIGHTS SOCIETY (ARS), NEW YORK

Heal From A Sociopath Using Your Emotions: Take Back Your Emotional Power

Emotions are a good thing to express despite the prevalent and false rhetoric that those who show emotions are out-of-control. But in this rhetoric is the key: Express emotions in a controlled and consistent way and with a foundation of your integrity, character, higher-spirit, and with focus on the greater good. This is expanding your emotional body to meet with your physical and mental body. You are using intelligence and wisdom to express HIGH emotions in a physical world through actions.
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Socrates Teaching Before His Execution

The Artist, Writer, Poet, Philosopher, Painter, Singer, Dancer, Service-Worker for the sick and needy (humans and animals) are examples of people who express higher and controlled emotions. Socrates, up until the moment of his death by execution (drinking poison), sat in a prison teaching words of wisdom to his followers and students who so desperately needed to hear his last thoughts on the meaning of life.

Controlled emotions is not the dead look, dead expression, monotone voice of a person quoting a spiritual or bible verse.  This is just creepy.

Being religious or spiritual does not mean that when a person in crisis approaches you, you simply repeat: “We are all brothers…see the light.” This is not controlled emotions: this is cruelty disguised as spirituality and it is abusive to the person in need.

Controlled emotions is not of cold detachment but it is of being there, present in the moment, to spiritually unit with people on their level and to try to help in any good way possible and within your means.

Controlled emotions is not doing the following on social media: swearing; over-posting; posting nonsense and meaningless words and selfies that lack a higher purpose; or mass exposing our children, love-life, or dates (our pets are okay though:)). Social media is a great tool for expanding the consciousnesses of humanity and should only be used for a higher purpose.

Nor does controlled emotions mean to publicly fight it out with someone, on the internet or in real life, by revealing them, your squabble, or basically your one-sided and often warped version of events, to a mass of others to gain validation and support. This is called bullying.

It is okay, however, to seek others, that are directly involved and relevant to the situation, to help and guide you through your conflict. But this is to be done with a loving heart and with an openness to see your own errors.  This is controlled emotions.

But how does all this relate to Sociopaths?

Sociopaths lack any sense of controlled emotions. Controlled emotions are based on the consistency of wisdom and truth that is grounded in integrity, character, endurance and focus. Think of the bulling example that I just noted. Sociopaths create hatred, confusion and bullying between people (triangulating).
Sociopaths have none of the traits or characteristics listed above. Let’s rename them: wisdom, truth, integrity, character, endurance, focus…

Sociopaths are such chaotic forces amongst us, and the innocent people, children and pets that surround us, because they do not have an emotional body connected to their physical body, soul or higher spirit. (Not to mention their damaged mental body – a different topic for discussion.) Sociopaths are disconnected entities…lost and forever seeking instant gratification…they are never satiated…for long..

Warning! Be Careful of those who come across too “spiritual.”

True satiation comes through soul purpose and this is an inner-process,  and must be sought through individual and higher work. Sociopaths are incapable of inner-work; everything they do is to seek external pleasure and attention. However, be careful, some sociopaths take on the superficial image of a religious or spiritual person seeking enlightenment. Be cautious of anyone that exudes too much “spirituality.” Truly spiritual people don’t come across “spiritual” because they are too busy working for the earth, animals and humanity as a whole.
The sociopath’s emotional body is a cloudy and blurred mess of a mass that haphazardly surrounds them, not securely attaching to their physical body (etheric double), nor their higher mental body (causal, soul).

A sociopath merely seeks instant satisfaction, gratification, pleasure, attention, validation for each and every moment of his existence; nothing for him/her is based on firmly attached and healthy emotions regarding who he/she is, REALLY IS, without another person, obsession, or a shallow material object defining what is in reality, his temporary and fleeting “meaning.”

Everything a sociopath is and does is to obtain loneliness-relief for his sick and obsessively needy emotions that centers around gaining acceptance, attention and approval. A sociopath is perpetually lonely, no matter who they gather around them for boredom relief, and nothing and no one can ever satiate them for long. This is why nothing in their life ever endures or lasts.

If you pay attention, sociopaths emit a chaotic, unbalanced, and unfocused energy (look at their eyes: either predatory or deadened) of dulled muddy colors of dark-brown and grey. This is in contrast to the enlightened artist, philosopher, or true service-worker for humanity who has a well-defined emotional aura that is secured to their physical and mental life – their words match their actions and the life they lead – and radiates clear colors of bright apple green, tints of rose, and blue tones.

In a nutshell: Sociopaths are erratic, inconsistent, spoiled, entitled, untrustworthy, unpredictable, unreliable, selfish and because of this, will always go through life causing destruction to everything and everyone that surrounds them. Nothing they do is based in truth, endurance or reality. Everything sociopaths do is in pursuit of low-lust and attention with a sickened energy of their selfish need for obsessive and neurotic control.

Sociopaths are out-of-control and ruin lives just to run to their next food, drink, sex, attention, validation, mother care-taking, codependent and often toxically needy source (a human-lust object) that crosses their path and glances their way.

Here’s the most important point though and one that will bring you solace:

Sociopaths ruin their own lives because they are so out-of-touch with any sense of a healthy, steadfast, focused, and grounded emotional existence that they don’t even realize it…they see and realize NOTHING. Remember the clouded mess of a murky mass of an undefined and brownish, greyish emotional body that surrounds them? Sociopaths do NOT introspect for this would require alone-time and sociopaths cannot be alone. This is why they relationship-jump themselves into ruination after ruination without ever seeing, let alone stopping, their destructive life-pattern. Essentially, Sociopaths keep destroying themselves over and over without pause or reflection (of course it’s always the fault of someone else, hehe).

Let sociopaths go from one erratic emotional mess to the next. In the mean time, keep yourself safe and become that Artist, Philosopher, Dancer, Singer, Poet, Writer, Worker for Humanity…Be a Creator. This is the true, healing, enduring, and prospering emotional life that is attached to both the physical world of great actions and to the mental world of high thoughts and learning.

Emotions are great. Show and express them well. Through a healthy and focused emotional life, we heal from the chaos and destruction that the sociopath’s out-of-control emotional body caused us. Take control of your Emotional Body for healing through great and focused creations.

Lynna, Author of “My Sociopath – An Empath’s Soul Journey Among Sociopaths.”
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Do Not Act Crazy

deliberationI first discovered that social and sexual predators live amongst us a few years ago, and they will socially, emotionally, and financially destroy us in the most covert and devastating of ways possible if we call them out on something or if we stop enabling them.
Before my landing into knowledge of Sociopaths, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and Borderline Personality Disorder, all that I knew was that I was magnetically drawn to bad, slightly creepy (the extent of their creepiness was only fully revealed to me close to the end of the relationship), older men that had a history of dysfunctional intimate relationships and strange emotional relationships with their mothers, and I was going to be the Great, Almighty, Ultra-Female Savior.  I was, unbeknownst to me, seeking out my emotionally and physically abusive father.  I always sacrificed myself, forgave the unforgivable way too many times, was loyal to the disloyal and trusted the untrustworthy…
I went down with the sinking ship as he bailed out, saved himself, and watched me drown.  (This is more common with females that are abused and/or neglected in childhood and/or are co-dependent.)
Even in the end, after I was destroyed everywhere and in every way, I never believed he was that bad and perhaps everything was a misunderstanding.
Only in looking back now can I see that I was an emotional mess in trying to save the un-saveable.  Only now, am I holding my self in-check as I behave with steadiness and with an air of keeping to the facts as someone does something devastating to me.  Yes, I still attract bad men…bad people…but I am becoming smarter…if that’s possible in regards to what I just admitted:
I’m getting out quicker than ever before.  Though still not quick enough.  I am working on this.  I still stay with a man after I catch him in lies or deception or treachery and employ my Teaching & Saving Methods with him.  I have a hard time stopping myself…I am a natural teacher, a natural saver, and my degrees are in teaching.  I “Teach” him when he is destroying me…not good, I know, but it’s a step up from being emotionally out-of-control and screaming as so many others are driven to do when provoked, smeared, betrayed, and gas-lighted by these soul-detached creatures.
I am no longer having over-reactions to treachery and deceptions.  I’m used to it now. Perhaps this is not the most positive statement of the current “new age,” “spiritual” movement but it is reality and “spiritualism” is supposed to be real and authentic and not canned new-agey records playing out of people’s mouths.  Instead, I am being a realistic voice in the world of treachery and for those who are harmed by social and sexual predators, exploiters and manipulators, deceivers and users, gas-lighters and shamers, bullies and social-smearers and destroyers…
Now, I am meeting with other victims of covert abusers that have been triangulated, smeared, isolated and portrayed as the “abuser” when trying to stop the real abuser from harming them further…the real abuser now portraying themselves as the ultimate “victim.” This is ugly stuff and we can be socially and financially ruined as a result and many of us stay stuck in this cycle, or repeat this cycle way too many times with way too many people.  There is plenty circulating around on the Empath – Narcissist natural attraction and I will not repeat this concept here.
I now have a perspective from two angles: A person trying to help victims and a person that has been fighting her way out of bad, childhood programming and the resulting sick relationships that I attract and tolerate and the ultimate realization that I must retrain my emotions to be under my control and NOT in control of me.
Here is what I’ve come to discover and it is key to our survival:

We cannot look and act crazy ourselves!

I have met so many victims that act overly aggressive, mean, judgmental, hostile, out-of-control and crazy!  I understand that this may be trauma and stress…I understand the chaos and confusion in our minds and spirits…but this is used against us and we play into society’s programming that “women are emotional nuts” and this allows predators to eat us alive even more.  I know all this because this was me at one time and now I am seeing my former-self in others.  Most importantly, when we are seeking help and resources people will not want to help us if we are agitated, aggressive (different from assertive) and angry.

WE DO NOT WANT TO LOOK OR ACT LIKE THE ABUSER!

I used to think that if I acted desperate enough people would believe in me and want to help me.  This is not true.  People will instead use our emotional displays against us and abandon us as a result. 

The most important job I have in a world of predators that eat me alive (besides writing and helping those affected) is to NOT act crazy.  This does NOT mean that we should not defend ourselves and advocate.  Unfortunately we live in a sick world, of sick people, that use appropriate emotions for what happened to us, for what they themselves may do to us, against us, to throw the “crazy” word at us…to paint us on a social canvas as being “bad.”  We cannot fall into this trap.

But how do we not act “crazy,” aka emotional, when we are being harmed, manipulated, lied to, betrayed, violated and socially ruined?

  • Pretend that you are an actor!  Just like the sociopath or narcissist does but we are doing it for the good…not for manipulation, control or power.
  • Hold yourself steady and calm and explain what happened to you, or what is still happening to you, with dignity and grace.
  • Detach from your emotions and go straight to your mental.  You are moving your toxic energy away from your solar plexus and you are transferring it up into your mental intellect.
  • Imagine yourself as an Observer, a Reporter and you are stating facts to inform, to enlighten, to educate, and to bring awareness to an issue.
  • Control your speech, facial expressions and mannerisms.
  • Do not act aggressive or hostile but instead act with pleasant self-assurance and confidence.
  • Write eloquent and informative letters to appropriate agencies and send them off.  State only facts and try to leave emotions out of it.

This is similar to my being a teacher. I am a teacher in real life but under harmful conditions, I have to remember to put my teacher-hat on and explain things in a way that I will not be looked at as the “crazy” one.

Just like with anything we learn…This takes training!  I am a single-woman that lives in mentally-disturbed Southern California, Coastal, and it is sheer desperation and madness out here…everyone desperately chasing everyone…everyone using everyone for attention, stimulation, and gratification and I am in constant “training” to keep myself in check amongst the selfish-users and exploiters running the streets out there. I am truly in the Land of Narcissism.  (Not that Southern Californian’s physical geography is mentally-disturbed, but you know what I mean.)

The above is imperative to do because when social annihilators are harming us, they act cold, detached, un-emotional, vacant, removed and count on us acting “crazy.” We then look like the “abuser” and they do look like the “victim.”  We just played the perfect part in their sick game of power, control, smearing, sabotaging, social isolation, division, and triangulation.

In a perfect world it would be recognized that those who show appropriate emotions are the normal ones and those who show vacancy and detachment during stressful times are indeed the sick ones.  But we do NOT live in a perfect world and this logical dynamic is twisted upside down.

This is how the disturbed and destructive people survive and are able to receive pity for being “victims” and villainize us as the “abusers:”  They DON’T REACT….They PLAY DEAD…They wait for us to crumble.  They have this game down to a science. They are NOT that smart but are Master Social Game Players and we need to learn to not fall into their trap.
If we can’t beat them, we must join them.  However, we will not PLAY DEAD when evil walks amongst us…we will advocate, speak, write, seek help and guidance and we will do this in a deliberate and controlled manner…with grace and dignity.  This is the only way we will survive…
image: Statue called Deliberation