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Where Are The Real Alpha Males?

The Alpha Male and Cluster B’s: And some defining differences between the sociopath and the narcissist:

My Sociopath cringed and spit inner-venom when faced with an alpha male. The sociopath has to be top-dog and this is why he picks on and overpowers women and why his enabling male supporters are more effeminate in nature (men without dominate male characteristics).

This is because the sociopath is no man at all but gets to play a ‘man’ around the weaker sex and weaker people in general. The sociopath’s cover is blown around an alpha male because the alpha male sees right through him. Not only does the alpha male see right through the sociopath, but the alpha male cannot be manipulated, “bought,” controlled, or made into a flying monkey. But most importantly, the alpha male is competition in the area of real manhood; not fake and manufactured manhood.

You must know that though sociopaths appear as the “man in charge,” deep down they are cowards. All bullies are cowards.

My Sociopath was such a coward that if an alpha male walked into our business, and I should wait on him, his sociopath eyes flickered and darted with evil. When the alpha male left, I was interrogated and accused of “checking out his crotch.” The sociopath then made me do a ‘crotch comparison’ or determine who had the better looking crotch – the sociopath or the alpha male? Sociopaths are primal, devolved, and base; nothing of a higher-level going on with them. I cringe that I lowered myself to live this hellish life.

What has my life become that I just wrote about “crotch comparisons?” 

Narcissists, on the other hand, will want to befriend the alpha male. Why? Narcissists are more into name and title-dropping. Narcissists are better at using other people to make themselves look good and depend more on their social connections to gain a sense of their own identity.

Sure, My Sociopath used me to look good as well…but I was also in a weaker position so I remained on his puppet-string. A male sociopath will not target an alpha female that is bitchy and aggressive.  Hence, some sociopaths will target Filipinas and Asians because they deem them as ‘weaker’ (though they may put on the weak and submissive facade, they can be just as manipulative and crafty as any other woman).

Back to the narcissist: Narcissists can stand on their own – hold their own – more than a sociopath, so the alpha male will not be such an overwhelming threat to the narcissist. Also, narcissists have more of a core-identity than does the sociopath. Sociopaths are blanks, voids and this is why they take on our identity and our core-way of being. Narcissists are more self-identified than the sociopath. Basically, a narcissist can stand head-to-head with another male; sure in his head he may be thinking duel but the feeling of camaraderie, or hanging out with a cool male, may override his feeling to draw out his sword.

Sociopaths will not be attracted to the Borderline woman. Why? Borderline women are often histrionic and as a result, engage in not only wild sex, but love bombing. Love bombing and wild sex are more aggressive traits or typical male qualities. And just like the alpha male, borderline women are too much work and too much of a threat for the sociopath male.

Imprisoned by W1zzy DeviantArt
The female borderline and her outer-crazy is a dominating match to the sociopath’s inner-crazy and the sociopath will not be dominated. And there is no way that the male sociopath will risk the female borderline/histrionic cheating on him. The sociopath is not only the main cheater of the relationship, but the only cheater allowed.

We were not permitted to have sex with anyone before the sociopath came along and he will make damn sure to slander, smear and triangulate us after so that we can never have sex with anyone else ever again. Not to mention that he destroyed our physical, mental, emotional, and financial health so much that it takes us years to bounce back enough to go out and have sex again.

You might say that the borderline woman is similar to an alpha male but with a different “male” approach that is more crazy and acting-out in nature. But unlike the cool, reserved, in-control alpha male, the borderline female is an out-of-control dominant “male.” Yes, I’m saying that borderline women are aggressive and therefore imbued with manly qualities. And going back to the beginning of this writing, sociopaths are intimidated by manly-men that may compete with their fake “manhood” and within their controlled environment.

However, the narcissist will be attracted to the borderline and histrionic female. Again, the narcissist identifies himself more with the appearance of the “cool crowd” and is less threatened by the members of these “cool circles.”

And many borderline and histrionic women are aggressive in their mannerisms: hanging out in bars and clubs; boobs hanging out; drugs and/or alcohol; loud music; and sexualized tattoos and piercings. The narcissist feels flattered that such a woman would be hanging all over him in a public situation. And the narcissist would not be threatened by, nor feel in competition with, the more manly traits of a borderline such as hyper-sex, love-bombing, cheating, and other more manly-qualities but instead, he will be more aroused and flattered by it.

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The male narcissist is fooled and flattered by the fake screams, the fake orgasms and the unnatural and inauthentic jumping around that the female borderline/histrionic engages in during sex with him (part of her love bombing; her pretend porn-scene acting; her trying to win him back after cheating). The narcissist believes himself to be Zeus with the best penis on Olympus. This same behavior during sex may intimidate the sociopath because the sociopath has to be in control of the sex (this is not saying they are good at sex – just in control of it).

My Sociopath was repulsed by hyper-sexual and aggressive women (again, too much competition for his ‘manhood’).

To summarize: The sociopath preys upon the teacher, the nurse, the nurturer, the care-taker. The narcissist, on the other hand, may end up with a borderline and/or histrionic (though this union will be explosive, volatile, and hell on earth).

To cut through this even more: I think that I just wrote that narcissists are more “manly” than sociopaths. That’s not saying a lot because sociopaths are not men at all – but are bullies and cowards that pick on girls and manipulate girlish-men.

Did I write that the alpha male is the true man? Yes. But before you go seeking an alpha male, make sure that the using and manipulating narcissist or sociopath is not taking on the appearance of an alpha male. They can all look similar. And to be brutally honest, there are so few real alpha males out there that it is unlikely we will find one. I give up.

We need more alpha males on this planet: not spineless men who enable sociopaths; not sociopaths and narcissists who appear like alpha males; not borderline/histrionic females that act like males. Yes, alpha males “control” women and their environment but this is not the same as destroying a woman and her environment, nor does it mean to manipulate and use a woman, and it certainly does not mean to use and mistreat a woman because she is kind and forgiving. 

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Real alpha males take care of and protect women – not bad women, but good women. You know the Aphrodite and Ares thing. Yes, Ares was a war god but he was also courageous and he defended truth, understanding, and the underdog. Sociopaths and narcissists are not courageous, but are cowards, who use and exploit those they deem weaker.

Lynna, Author of “My Sociopath”
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The Sociopath’s ‘Exchange of Service’ Game

What happens when the sociopath is incarcerated and he no longer has direct access to outside supply? Does he try to seek it in prison?

I believe we can transfer what the sociopath/narcissist does in his ‘normal,’ everyday existence to that of prison life.

Everything is a deal, an exchange, a “You give me this, I give you that…You do for me, I do for you” for a sociopath. This is how they create a dysfunctional group of enablers and how they manage to keep these toxic supporters hanging on.

My Sociopath gloatingly calls himself a computer hacker (sociopaths are boasters about their creepiness). In addition, he does camera installation and surveillance. Most sociopaths are into gps monitoring, spying, trolling, recording and surveying people. They have no control over their own lives, no sense of independence from an obsessive, possessive, dramatic ‘relationship,’ no concept of universal love and evolution, so they must control the lives of others. They have no real and authentic self-esteem and as a result, cannot lead a higher and more evolved life, so they believe that through monitoring others, they are in control of their surroundings.

Subsequently and as an example, My Sociopath offers people “free camera installation and surveillance” if they sign a letter, that he’s written, regarding what a “great guy” his is. He then submits these letters, as his exhibits, for his ongoing familycourt cases. Of course, unthinking, devolved, yet excited people would sign such a letter because they just received a really cool, and free, technological service. Of course this exchange goes in reverse: the sociopath offers the “free service” first and then gets happy and satisfied customers to sign his self-written and glorious letters.

My Sociopath also does similar with the workers at his electronic repair shop. He hires desperate people (the unemployed, the homeless, the undocumented immigrants) at very low pay and provides them with free food – this free food given to the sociopath by another customer that the sociopath provided a free electronic repair/installation service to.

It’s a circular exchange of lowly dysfunction and everyone is festering in a cesspool of their own drool; though these participants think they are outsmarting the laws of nature.

Another example being: Someone may bring an electronic item in need of repair to My Sociopath’s repair shop: My Sociopath would rather sit on social media – spying, lurking and luring in people with his “great guy” image and doing weird winky faces to ingratiate himself to others – so that if the item in need of repair requires more serious time or effort to fix – he puts on a despairing act to the customer, who paid a high diagnostic fee, that he did everything he could, he can’t find the parts to repair it…but he, for instance, will hack their girlfriend’s computer. The miserable customer will happily go along with this, in addition to their thinking, what a great and cool guy.

My Sociopath benefits further: he takes great delight in creeping into the lives of others.  He has a thumb-drive available at all times, attached via a hook on his belt loop, and inserts the thumb-drive into the computer he is repairing/hacking to gather all the data for his glossy-eyed review later.

But this exchange can get more twisty: If the customer happens to be a real estate agent, for example, My Sociopath will add in promises that he will employ them to manage his next real estate transaction along with his woe is me, I tried to fix your item for five long hours but it’s un-fixable (while taking their diagnostic fee). When I was with the sociopath, he made promises to four different real estate agents that he would hire them. They all left happy with their still broken electronic item and out $65.00.

(To further dwell into another aspect of sociopath sickness: When a small real estate transaction did come up in My Sociopath’s life, he chose the fifth real estate agent that entered his business (out of sight, out of mind for the previous four agents) and then cried to each one of the preceding agents, that I was mean and didn’t want them to be hired for the transaction. He blamed me and further won these other four agents over – despite screwing them over – with woe is me…she’s a terrible woman. I wanted to hire you, but she wouldn’t let me. Win-win for the sociopath.)

Final example: My Sociopath destroyed his previous wife and child by immediately jumping online to pull in another target. Why? Because this previous wife and child went on a trip together and without the sociopath. Sociopaths can’t be alone and feel dejected when their imprisoned target does something independent, free and away from sociopath control.

The new target he found online was a man jumper and always had to be in a relationship. My Sociopath moved in with her immediately and before the wife and child returned from their trip. He later met the now ex wife and his child at the airport, upon their return trip home, and greeted them with a “Haha, I moved in with another woman.”

The sociopath’s new target lived in a home with a $4,500/month mortgage (we live in coastal SoCalif). The Sociopath offered her a deal: I’ll pay $900/month to share your house but will cut the grass and change the oil on your car and will do other miscellaneous handyman services. The new target was so desperate to have yet another male in her life, and thinking she had a great god and protector in her presence, she agreed to this arrangement. In the meantime, My Sociopath hung out at his forever failing ‘electronic repair business’ gossiping, online obsessing, triangulating the newest target against everyone that walked into the business and smearing this new target with his and her own family members, and sucking in other toxic enablers for ‘exchange of services.’

As you will see, everything is an ‘exchange of service’ for a sociopath: “You do for me, I do for you.” However upon closer look, the sociopath is always benefiting way more than their unsuspecting and often apathetic ‘exchange partner.’

This all transfers into the jail environment. If an inmate has sociopath or narcissistic tendencies, he will apply his expertise or skill (reading, writing, oratory, instructing on a how-to craft, leader of the bible study, bodyguard or peacemaker…) to create a group of, who he deems lower and weaker minded, prisoners around him to get what he wants; this could be better and more food, the more desirable bunk in the cell, more cigarettes or other jail privileges. But mostly, this sociopath prisoner will likely win favor with the guards and warden by being a people-pleaser so as to get out of prison early for good behavior.

Long time

In addition, most jails give their inmates access to the internet, the privilege to write letters and to talk on the phone (though limited). The sociopath prisoner will be love-bombing people on the outside; he will be doing the “woe is me – she/he did this to me – I’m misunderstood – I’m the victim” to keep a previous intimate relationship in place and to attract new sympathizers.  Just think of all the women that fell in love with Ted Bundy when he was incarcerated and Bundy married one of these disordered women (likely histrionic or borderline) while he was on death row.

All the above does not apply to a psychopath. Psychopaths are not as covert and cunningly manipulative as the sociopath or narcissist, and as a result will have more angry outbursts and be the cause of much of the overt friction and disorderly conduct that goes on in a prison. Still, however, the psychopath will attract crazy followers and supporters on the outside (during Ted Bundy’s time it was through letters and phone calls…now they have limited internet time…even scarier).

For a final thought: Sociopaths are in the prison of their own making whether behind bars or not. Can you imagine not having an authentic self of being, a core foundation of who you are and what you stand for but instead, your entire existence depends upon the movements of others…the validation of others…the attracting of one toxic and obsessive relationship after the next…the destruction of others who don’t fall in line…Of having no sense of The Whole, of Inner Spirit that drives you toward a Higher Purpose, of Who you really are and What you’re supposed to be doing in the Big Scheme of this one very short life…

Lynna, Author of “My Sociopath”

This site is now offering a low, promotional rate on one-on-one phone consultations regarding your relationship issues. Email mysociopath@gmail.com for more information.

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u Do you

What a talented writer. Describes the emotionally and psychologically confusing and ultimately devastating relationship-cycle with a sociopath or narcissist so well.

Musings by Paul In-Ca

liesyou emptied us

This poem, song, rap, whatever it is to you, personally I both flow parts of it, and sing other parts, comes from a memory early on in my self imposed 22 month sentence with the sadistic, covert malignant narcissist, and the absolute wealth of psychological information I’ve gotten in quest of my soulmate, as I didn’t want a PhD’s worth of psychopathy knowledge, just a significant other, but it’s like I took the “other” pill, and down the rabbit hole I went. So the knowledge I have after 3 years of dealing with the demon in human skin, Michelle Dawn Howard Deardoff, would have come in real handy when about 3 months in she subjected me to the first, and my first ever silent treatment, I told her how I felt about it, and rather than apologize, and move forward she went on some long narrative, and after about 15…

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Let’s Talk About Sociopaths – Live Event

Paula and Lynna will be hosting an informal discussion on anything related to sociopaths, narcissists, and psychopaths. Come join us live in Encinitas, Ca on May 2, 2017 at 6:00pm. We look forward to meeting you. Lynna and Paula

You’re invited to an informal talk with Paula and Lynna on anything related to sociopaths, narcissists, and psychopaths.

Paula Carrasquello is the author of “Escaping the Boy: My Life with a Sociopath” and Unashamed Voices: True Stories Written by Survivors of Domestic Violence, Rape and Fraud: Exposing Sociopaths in Our Midst.”  Lynna Kivela is the author of “My Sociopath.”

Bring your questions about destructive personalities and how you were affected and we’ll give you our insight on ways to heal, recover and move on to have a great life after an abusive relationship.

Day: Tuesday, May 2, 2017
Time: 6:00pm-7:30pm
Cost: No Cost
Where: Encinitas Library, Meeting Room, Seating is limited so let us know if you might be coming
540 Cornish Dr, Encinitas, CA 92024
Phone: (760) 753-7376 (library)

Conveniently located between the 5 freeway and Coast 101.

Message here or on Facebook to let us know you’re coming or for more information.

We look forward to meeting you.

Lynna and Paula

Maybe I’m The Sociopath?

Written By a Guest Writer: Anonymous

I grew up in several different foster homes; most of them were bad. At an early age, so not to get punished, I had to learn what to say and how to say it. I was forced to learn how to read people – to know what they wanted and what they expected. I was a child, no more than 10 years old; I had to learn these things in order to survive. I was beaten if I did or said the wrong things. And sometimes it was enough that if they thought I did something wrong, and if I said I didn’t do it, I was accused of lying and was beaten. This is a very effective way to teach a child how to manipulate other people. And this is what I learned to do throughout my childhood: to lie and to manipulate people so that I was liked. If I was liked, I was praised. If I wasn’t liked, I was beaten. What choice did I have?

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The thing about learning how to manipulate people at an early age is that it becomes who you are, what is within you, and your core-way of being; and you can’t separate yourself from your core because your core is You. And you just can’t stop being You.

My life came down to bargaining; everything was a bargain. Getting bad grades in school? Then talk to the teacher; make him see things my way: “If I do this and that, will you raise my grade? What does it takes for you to give me a B rather than a C?” Later on you find yourself doing the same towards your employer: “Sure, I might not have the right education for this job, but I promise, I’ll be excellent and I’ll make you happy. Give me a chance and I’ll prove you wrong.”

This goes on and on and as I grew older, my game of transmutation and transformation grew and expanded within me and into my personal relationships: If I change a little of this and a little of that, then maybe she’ll stay with me. If you don’t like me the way I am, I’m willing to change…just tell me what it is you want, and I’ll be happy to oblige.

This in itself is human rootlessness; a void of foundation. I don’t even know who or what I am. I am a river of personalities and the people I meet are the rocks that my personality swims around.

By now this Game is who and what I am and I have no idea how to live my life without it. I have no idea what an authentic life even is. I don’t know how to tell the truth. I only tell the “truth” as I think you want to hear it. I lie in order to protect my own ignorance and my own worthlessness. And you believe me and why wouldn’t you?

Saatchi Art, Artist Andrew Salgado, “Mask (Performance III)”
Saatchi Art, Artist Andrew Salgado, “Mask (Performance III)”

Everyone believes in me and they vouch for me: What a great person I am! But if you were to ask any one of these people what they really know about me, they would have nothing concrete to say: “Oh, he’s such a great guy!” They have nothing solid to go on. They don’t know. They only know my superficial appearance, my shallow gestures, and what others have told them – not even reflecting, not even realizing that they themselves are one of “these others.”

Everything everyone thinks they know about me comes from a game of Chinese whispers. A rumor started by no one, yet, everyone. The more wide-spread the rumors, the grander my achievements are and the greater I become. Yet, I’ve done nothing great and I am nothing great.

Eventually, when it reaches the point where I can’t possibly live up to what people think about me, it all comes falling down on me. This is when my mask erodes away and slips off. With a lot of practice, I learned when it’s time to move on. And by leaving before it all comes crashing down on me, everyone is left with great memories of me. This results in my having excellent references for my next adventure. But in doing this, I leave everyone that I know behind and I’m alone … again. I start over in this never-ending game of deception and illusion.

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I haven’t thought much about this until recently. I’ve met women who raised me to the sky; for what reasons I don’t know. “You are so kind, you are so wise!” and “You should write a book, you could inspire so many people!” But I haven’t really done anything to warrant this kind of praise. All they’ve seen is the person I need to be and want to be but can’t be. The scared little child who will be anyone I’m required to be just so that I’m not beaten.

Is this all that I am? A child still trying to find a way around the people who will hurt me if I say or do the wrong things?

Am I a people-pleaser, out of fear, because that’s what I was taught to be?

Or, am I simply
the sociopath you all fear?

By: Anonymous

Submitted to and Edited by Lynna, Author of “My Sociopath.” If you would like to be a guest writer on “My Sociopath,” send your writing to MySociopath@gmail.com.

Follow “My Sociopath” on Facebook and on Twitter.

For an introductory, special-rate on a personalized, one-on-one phone session with the author of “My Sociopath,” email MySociopath@gmail.com for more information or reach out on Facebook or Twitter.

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The Dangerous Female “Friend” of The Narcissist

The Dangerous Female “Friend” of The Narcissist

This is an inevitable match and it is one made in heaven.

The personality disordered requires constant external stimulation. They have no ability to go inward or to do independent and lone activities. Their inner-self is dead and only awakened when there is a people-source feeding it.

Since Narcissists are hyper-sexual (though they have sexual dysfunctions), they seek their external stimulation via a person of the opposite sex. The personality disordered has many “friends” of the opposite sex. There is a hint of sexuality that keeps the relationship charged. These stimulation-sources are usually previous intimate relationships or a person that The Narcissist had hopes of having an intimate relationship with at one time, but for a myriad of reasons, the intimacy component failed to develop. However, everything revolves around sex for A Narcissist so this component always played or plays a factor with their so called female “friends.”

Q. But since A Narcissists needs to have sex with someone to feel good about himself and to dominate and control others, why is he not having sex with the female, co-dependent enablers that constantly surround him?

A. Narcissists get sexually turned-off very easily and quickly. Since they never make a true, deep, pure and loving sexual-connection with their partners (but it sure seems like they do!), it takes very little for them to get bored or turned-off. It could be her smell, he starts noticing too much body fat, that she has wrinkles or other “defects” that he exaggerates in his mind, or she is not feeding his emotional needs as much as she did in the honeymoon period and he feels rejected. Everything is superficial for a Narcissist (they are incapable of deeply bonding) and so is his sex, which we wrongly believed was “love making” when he was love-bombing us during the honeymoon period.

A. He wants to have sex with her, but SHE got turned-off by HIM and she is no longer sexually into or responsive towards him; but she still wants him around to use him. Many women are highly intuitive and can sense when they are around someone with personality issues, or when they are sleeping with evil or someone that is harming them. Women cannot be sexually responsive towards a man that does not make them feel safe. The first hint that we are unsafe comes from learning that he is a habitual liar.

When the sexual-stage ends (or doesn’t develop) with one of The Narcissist’s female hanger-ons, he turns her into his “friend.” A Narcissist is obsessed with looking like the good guy, the great one, the superior…so he does not want a woman being mad at him or leaving him angry. (Sociopaths are different here: their previous women despise them so much that The Sociopath has no choice but to endlessly try to destroy and slander her because of her intense hatred towards him.) The Narcissist draws her back into his clutches as a “friend.” This is easy for him to do because she is weakened, shattered and twisted from dealing with his games, tricks, manipulations, lies-on-top-of-lies, drama, and his financial chaos that she suffered through. She submits to being his “friend” just so that she can have a bit of a male safety-net to help her along in life.

These women are now his co-dependent female enablers that he calls “friends.” What is especially odd, he has MANY female “friends.” True male/female friend relationships are rare but yet The Narcissist has these female “friends” lurking everywhere! These female “friends” are usually uneducated or not very smart, have low-level skills and jobs, and are always experiencing life-crises.

In actuality, Narcissists have no concept of friendship and use the “friend” word flippantly in regards to anyone that shines upon their dead soul, admires them or holds them in awe (this “shine” comes from the Narc picking up tabs and/or doing favors).

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Because of The Narcissist’s female enablers own personality issues, she cannot find or keep her own intimate partner so she uses The Narcissist as her handyman and picker-upper of lunch, coffee or drink tabs. If she had found another true and supportive intimate partner, she would not be wasting her time on The Narcissist “friend” relationship: She would NOT have a use for him – nor would her new partner tolerate her hanging out with this creep.

Only we, the new intimate partner of the Narcissist tolerate these so-called female “friends” hanging around everywhere. Narcissists make us tolerate everything damaging they do because if we didn’t tolerate the intolerable, we are “insecure, wrong, crazy, or are messed up because we come from a dysfunctional home.”

The Narcissist’s female enabler/friend is not doing what she should be doing in her own life and is using The Narcissist to escape her miserable existence; and in the process, she is providing The Narcissist an emotional-cushion and feeding his ego. She may be uneducated but she is Street-Smart and she knows what to say to a Narcissist to make him feel good about himself: “You are my hero, thank you for helping me and always being there for me,” “You are my rock,” “I depend upon your great advice,” etc.

He, in turn, feels like a “Superman” with her. He needs to always feel like a “Superman” and plus he is likely already sabotaging his relationship with the newest intimate partner, so he reaches out to the female “friend” for assurance that he is the great one…The Superman.

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He doesn’t have to deal with the scary and insecure environment he created for the newest intimate partner…he can escape to the glowing female “friend’s” environment.

His female “friends” lurk everywhere and they destroy the new intimate partner. This co-dependent, enabling woman “friend” acts sweet and innocent and supportive of his new relationship. She has to in order to keep him around for her needs. He is sneaking around behind the newest intimate partner’s back so that he can still treat the female “friend” to coffees and lunches and to do favors for her. He needs to keep her in the background for his ego support.

In the meantime, The Narcissist complains to the newest intimate partner about his poor financial condition and the intimate partner makes sacrifices for him, for them: She orders the cheapest coffee or has the smallest lunch; she buys groceries and cooks for him…anything to save him money; she genuinely loves and cares for him. In the meantime, he is freely spending money on the female “friend.” (This article is focusing on female co-dependent enabling “friends” of The Narcissist, but they also have many co-dependent, enabling male “friends.”)

He needs to always look like the good and generous guy. The Narcissist would not have “friends,” females or males, if he did not pick up everyone’s tabs. In the meantime, the intimate partner is going without (especially after his love-bombing and the honeymoon period) because he is always “broke.” Essentially, he pays to have “friends” by picking up tabs or doing favors.

Needy people use The Narcissist because they know he is deeply insecure and desperately wants to be liked.

The Narcissist is always “busy,” yet, he never accomplishes anything substantial and is never working towards goals. He is always out with “friends” buying lunches, coffees, drinks. Plus, he is always bored (he is empty on the inside) and needs these constant outings. His damaged ego needs this stimulation of being the “great guy” that picks up everyone’s tabs. The intimate partner is therefore conditioned to not put requirements on his time because he is such a “busy and important man” and she fends for herself. A Narcissist has no ability to focus for long on the amazing intimate partner he captured but needs superficial attention and admiration from the scattered-masses of generic people and their “admiration.”

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The intimate partner will eventually ask point-blank when was the last time he saw the female “friend.” He will lie to diminish the excessive amount of time, attention, energy and money on tabs he is picking up for the “friend.” When the intimate partner corners him on this strange relationship, he blames the intimate partner: “I couldn’t tell you because you would be mad…hurt! We are just good FRIENDS. You are crazy.”

The female enabling “friend” has no regard for The Narcissist still spending time and money on her despite his new relationship. If she were his true friend or even a decent woman, she would pick up her own tab and make sure that the new intimate partner was invited along to each meeting she had with him. She, however, pretends to want to meet and hang-out with his new intimate partner but somehow this never happens.

And, The Narcissist knows that having the intimate partner along with his female “friend” meeting would dim the “Superman Admiration” that this female co-dependent enabler shows towards him. He needs to shower all his intense attention upon her so that he receives her glow and admiration in return. The intimate partner coming along would dim the female “friend’s” glow upon him.

Q. Why is he investing so much time, energy and money into female “friends” that he is not having sex with?

A. Because he is having sex with you! The female “friends” are his emotional supporters and cushions when he damages the new intimate partner. He tells her half-the-story on what he did to destroy the intimate partner and she tells him how “great” he is, “you deserve better,” “she is no good for you,” etc.

He is now redeemed from his evil. 

A.  He IS trying to have sex with her (if she hasn’t turned him off sexually yet) but she is playing “hard to get,” and this excites and motivates him to keep taking her out for more treats and doing more favors for her and she knows this!

He doesn’t have to repair or even deal with what he did to the intimate partner: He now has the “friend” to hang out with all the time to not only escape his own thoughts on the latest horrible thing he did to the intimate partner, but the female “friend” entertains his perpetual state of boredom. Narcissists cannot be alone to reflect inward on what they did to damage a person, so they return to the constant company of their female “friend(s).” And the female “friend” is happy to have his full-attention back. Win-win. The Narcissist is now the “great guy,” after he destroyed yet again…The female “friend” tells him so, and this female “friend” gets more lunches, more coffees and drinks, and more favors done.

Dear Female “Friend” of The Narcissist:
1. If he is so great, why aren’t you his “loving” partner? Great “friends” make the best intimate partners.
2. Maybe he should make you pick up the tab a few times: I’m wondering how long you would put up with that?
3. If he wasn’t there to do little favors for you, would you still want him around?
4. You don’t think there is “another side of the story” regarding what he is doing to hurt and destroy his intimate partner?
5. You don’t find it odd that he cannot keep an intimate relationship for very long? Every single woman is bad and he is great, really?

Female “friends” of men with personality disorders are extremely dangerous:

They keep The Narcissist strong so that The Narcissist doesn’t have to be held accountable for the innocent lives he destroys. The female enablers/”friends” have no problem in taking his money, time, and energy. The intimate partner is left confused and stressed out on why he always seems busy and distracted, and we have absolutely NO DEFENSE. He defiantly and stubbornly calls her his “great friend” and we are turned into the “insecure and jealous and crazy” and the female co-dependent “friend” reinforces this!

The female co-dependent “friend” is a dangerous wedge in our relationship and the new intimate partner will never survive the lies and deceit that The Narcissist weaves to keep feeding this dangerous entity in his life.

The Narcissist cannot survive without female “friends.” After he destroys you, he will try to make you his “friend” too (unless he is a sociopath or psychopath)! You being his “friend” now makes him look good when he is pursuing his next target: “I’m ‘friends’ with all my exes.” Really, if he is such a great “friend” to so many females, why does none of his intimate relationships ever last?

The female “friend” will always come first and he will tell lie-upon-lie to the intimate partner to keep this Narcissist-Female/”Friend”/Co-dependency alive. Why? Because he is incapable of developing real, deep, loving relationships, and instead, obsessively seeks ego-stimulation and boosting from shallower relationships.

Intimate relationships require too much reliability, dependability and responsibility. Narcissists are NOT reliable, dependable or responsible! He will ALWAYS sabotage intimate relationships and he needs female “friends” lingering around so that he has an immediate and safe-net of support to run to where he, in turn, offers the “friend” an escape from her miserable life.

The female “enabler” doesn’t hold him accountable for his inconsistent and scattered-life and the stories that he tells that doesn’t make sense. Only the intimate partner holds him accountable and he can NEVER be held accountable: He is a Narcissist and gets to do what ever he wants, whenever he wants, and the people that he hurts or lets down better not say a thing.

He is never accountable…he never evolves…he never has true and lasting love…but he does have co-dependent female “friends” (some male co-dependent “friends” too) lingering around waiting for his most recent intimate relationship to fall apart so they can get off on the drama and have their “favor-doer” and “tab-picker-upper” back full-time…and he is redeemed from the harm he caused to the last intimate partner.

Be very cautious of anyone that claims to have an excess amount of “friends” of the opposite sex.

A true female/male friendship, where one is not benefiting or expecting that sexual-intimacy will eventually develop, is extremely rare.

Lynna – Author of “My Sociopath”

Originally published on Facebook, “My Sociopath,” January 23, 2015

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Broken Dreams

A poem about his relationship with a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP)…by Zanno Jacklin

Until we meet again...

You were so full of life
With a child’s enthusiasm
You planned for the future
Every detail laid out

I didn’t see your fear
The fear of failure
That maybe reality
Wouldn’t fit your dreams

Fear of disappointments
Were killing you inside
Dreams scattered
Slowly withering away

I wish you had trusted
That just being with you
Was all I ever needed
My dream, was you

Dreams crumbled to dust
Swept away by the idea
That you were not enough
My memories of you remains

How happy you once were
When hopes and dreams
Was a reality in making
Only in your mind

Part 2: “Loving A Highly Sensitive Person” can now be read at My Scoiopath

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