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Healing From Trauma: Learn, Find Focus, Emerge, See & Hear Our Teachers

The only way we’re going to heal from trauma is to find our passion, develop and manifest our creativity, and to keep moving.

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In order to heal and evolve we have to learn to focus and to get rid of distractions that aren’t leading to our growth and contributing to our better health – physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual health. A key to this is to listen and learn. We are surrounded by great “teachers” and learning and growth opportunities but we have to open our ears and eyes to the messages they carry and to not be so critical. Trauma can cause us to be overly critical, hostile, hypersensitive, excluding, and isolating.  

Start tuning in to what your “teachers” are telling you.

Everyone has words of wisdom and most everyone wants to impart their wisdom onto others. We all just want to be listened to – to be heard.

I practice listening to my young students and boy do they have powerful things to say. I was once tutoring math and my 15-year-old student said, “My aunt’s crazy … she’s getting married to a man she’s only known for a few months. I don’t ever want to be that desperate for a man like that. I want to be independent first. I want to travel the world.  I want to be a fashion designer.”

This young lady was terrible in math, I mean she didn’t know how to multiply but was merely socially-promoted into Algebra. I did most of the Algebra problems for her so we didn’t have to sit there for a week (I know, bad of me), but in other ways, more important ways, this young lady was smarter – more wise – than me. 

Wow, did I become alert and way beyond Algebra-Alert. This happened shortly after my divorce to a sociopath. And wait: A 15-year-old has her act together more than me! I might need to fix something within me.  

And it’s a misnomer that we shouldn’t  listen to the smoker who tells us about the ill-effects of smoking: They know this better than any non-smoker does; they have direct and first-hand knowledge. Our “teachers” are everywhere: Even my doggie tells me to just slow down on our walks … breathe, and pay attention to the trees, bushes, squirrels, and butterflies.

Learn … Take Classes. 

As soon as we stop listening, learning, growing, evolving we wither away. My 75-year-old neighbor’s wife died after 50 years of marriage. He was her caretaker for the last ten-years of their marriage. Bill mourned and introspected for almost 2 years and then signed up for Ballroom Dancing classes. He struggled with coordination. He is a Vietnam War Vet who was exposed to Agent Orange and as a result, he’s had several triple-bypass surgeries. One year into his Ballroom Dance classes he found another love: A 68-year old lady whose husband died a year previous after their 40 years of marriage.  

After I divorced and was left financially and psychologically devastated by the sociopath, Bill tried to be kind toward me and get me to take Ballroom Dance classes with him. I couldn’t go; I was too traumatized. I could barely move; I was physically and emotionally sick.

But Bill planted the seed that sprouted two years later: Get moving; get learning; get back out there.

This example applies to a more recreational pursuit but the same concept should be applied toward classes/workshops/conferences that grow and enhance our health and well-being, job, skill-set, and career.

Winter School Classes
Great, Donation-Based Classes in Oceanside, CA – February 10-17, 2019

If you’re drawn to religion or spiritualism, then explore different spiritual/religious organizations.

Here is where it gets tricky: You may not like everyone or agree with everything an organization is saying and doing. This may or may not be due to past trauma, fear, anxiety, or stress. But we should search for at least a comfortable fit.

A part of our healing is to not find perfection, but to find our own focus, to push ourselves along, and to create our own learning and growth within a larger group or organization.

Learning to rise above the more insignificant matters of contention that may arise in relationships and within groups is part of learning and growing beyond our trauma and primal reaction to fight or flight (ah-hum, burning our bridges). I am not referring to ignoring and bypassing predatory or sociopath issues but to *not* get caught in the trappings of the more personality issues and day-to-day organizational squabbles.

When we rise above the more insignificant issues instead of “throwing out the baby with the bathwater” and ultimately retreating into our own isolation, we can then introduce and integrate our own insights – in a kind, not PTSD and reactionary way –  into this already established structure. But because of our own personality issues (due to trauma & abuse – or perhaps not), we seek perfection and burn bridges with people, places, classes, and organization that may help us move forward.   Or, at the least, if we should happen to stumble, again, into and upon really bad people, places, and things we can better learn discernment and where to navigate to next.  

What am I trying to say?  

Find your passion, your calling and *focus* on developing everything you can in the area where your interests and dreams lie.  The petty drama that no doubt enters into any relationship or group – whether that be in the classes you take, mystery schools you enter, or spiritual/religious organizations you join is insignificant to why you are there … to push yourself forward and to reintegrate yourself amongst a healthier social-structure that is focused on learning and growth.  

Note: Yes, I just threw “mystery school” into this post. I plan on writing a article on the positive aspects to mystery schools. Just a brief statement for now: Mystery schools are *not* evil cults – despite the creepy-spin that has been put on them by society and people who really don’t know what they are. Mystery schools are about developing F-O-C-U-S – a focused mind and life – controlling our emotions, and strengthening our sense of loyalty (unlike a sociopath), perseverance (unlike a sociopath), service work (empathy), and group-spirit (real love, not lust). I believe mystery schools are especially important for the lost and floundering male of our current society and world.  

When you do your own work first – studying and learning in the area of your passion – you can then bring your own knowledge to the forefront of these groups and institutions. Things will not be perfect in whatever group/class/organization you join, but this is *not* about perfection of the external structure: It’s about our own focus and learning, and this is best done through finding “teachers” that can help us along.  

We tend to want to isolate ourselves after trauma. We don’t trust the world. We’re too critical about new and interesting opportunities that may help us grow outward and upward.

Once you’ve had time to ‘mourn’ your losses and to introspect, we must push ourselves back out there to find our “teachers” who will help us grow. These teachers and learning opportunities are everywhere: We just have to listen, stop being so critical and judgmental, and look for open-doors and learning opportunities everywhere we go.

Yes, we can and should do a lot of studying on our own but there comes a time in our life when we may want to merge our independent-growth with a group-growth. This may not be for everyone and that’s okay; but if you should feel at the “end of your isolation rope” (as I feel) and have the urge to explore outward … then we have learning and growing opportunities available; we just have to be willing to open our ears and eyes to them.  

The battle of a traumatized person is to not be overly-critical and hyper-sensitive to our own detriment but to avoid isolation and to welcome-in our “teachers.”

I’m posting a schedule below of really great, donation-based, Winter School Classes offered in Oceanside, CA, 2222 Mission Avenue, 92058 from February 10-17, 2019. The classes range from art, to music, to the bible, to health and nutrition, to math and science, and to a whole day of astrology. I used to be close-minded about Astrology until I opened my eyes to see and my ears to listen to the “teachers” around me: Astrology is Science and Geometry – Math.  

With Love,

Lynna, Author of “My Sociopath,” On Sale At Amazon and Barnes & Noble

Winter-School-Feb10-Feb11
Great, Donation-Based Classes, Oceanside, CA, Feb. 10-17, 2019
Winter-School-Feb12-Feb13
Great, Donation-Based Classes, Oceanside, Feb. 10-17 2019

Classes, February 10-17. Oceanside, CA
Great, Donation-Based Classes in Oceanside, CA, February 10-17, 2019.

Six Ways To Stop Attracting Narcissists And Predators

Six ways to stop attracting Narcissists. Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Predators are attracted to damaged women. If you want to protect yourself, don’t act damaged. If you are damaged, don’t show it.

Narcissists & Predators Are Attracted To Damaged Women

There is much talk about the woman rescuer and the fact that this can lead us into relationships with narcissistic/predatory/sociopathic men. It has been said that we can “sense their hurt.” However, there is little talk or discussion about men who rescue damaged women. Every narcissistic, predatory male that I’ve come across, has a sexual desire to conquer damaged women.

Men are driven by their sexual nature, whereas women, are more driven by their emotional nature. It’s a fact of biology. Men are drawn to damaged women because not only do they want to be our savior – The White Knight concept – but they are driven by the biological instinct to “insert their penis into the wounded to create a healing injection.” Yes, I just wrote that. It’s the truth that we all refuse to see or admit to. However gross that statement just came across, think of it this way: How do men seek solace, comfort, energy, happiness, or just a release from depressive and low thoughts? Yes, through ‘release’ – sex.

Men see everything and everyone through the eyes of “to have sex with,” or “not to have sex with.” Most of us are still operating from the primitive brain stem no matter how much we claim to be evolved. I’m not criticizing men because most women feel that when a man has sex with her, he’s in love with her, and therefore, she falls madly in love with him and believes he will protect her for the rest of his life. 

Here’s the scenario: A man detects that we’re damaged. It’s not really hard for them to do: we announce it to the world and we outwardly behave in a damaged way (insecurities; complaining; negativity; revealing all these and our secrets to mere strangers; showing outward chaos in our self and material possessions [a personal example: my car is a chaotic mess right now – note to self: must clean car so opportunist predators leave me alone.]).

Narcissist Sociopath Sexual Predator

We then quickly and easily allow this man into our bed and into our life. Man is happy. He’s getting not only sex, but easy access into our life and even home. Current day male wants to crash on our couch, have us swaddle them, and pretend to be their Love Empress and their Cooking Maiden. However, he believes that he is our White Knight and that he’s protecting us (even though he may be a short, fat, bald, creepy loser with evil and shifty eyes).  

Soon, White Knight turns a hideous hue of grey, brown, blood red and gets bored (the conquest, the chase is over). About this same time, we start bitching, complaining, holding him responsible. Because of the mass availability of easy sex and hookups (online; in bars; at the gym; in yoga classes; heck – in Trader Joe’s), Awful Knight mounts his Poor and Abused Horse, again, and rescues another injured woman with his penis injection. It’s his biology to be a Saving, Penis Inserting, Savior. He has to feel useful. And he uses his penis, and okay, wining and dining too, as the conquering and protecting instrument to prove his ability to conquer and dominate. Now, with everything and everyone, there are degrees of the above proclivity and the range of its manifestation – mild, moderate, and extreme.

Every single narcissist, sociopath, predator male that I’ve met or have been with, has a trail of damaged women long before I ever came along. So, you’re thinking that I must be damaged, and you must be damaged? Answer: Yes, I am, and, yes, you are too – but some of us show it, me, and some of us don’t show it.

The people who attract healthier relationships & even healthier jobs don’t outwardly show their inner, emotional roller coaster and chaos – or, they simply don’t feel an inner chaos – or if they do feel an inner turmoil, they keep it outwardly under control.

Note: Our dysfunctional pattern in relationships is similar to our dysfunctional pattern in jobs.

What’s the learning lesson in all this?  It’s simple: try to appear as if you have your act together: Fake it until you make it. Focus on improving your life, and your children’s and pet’s, preserving your home, cleaning up your surroundings, and finding a career that doesn’t kill your soul. This will save you from attracting every loser in town.

Six Ways To Stop Attracting Narcissists and Predators:

1. Stop acting like you’re damaged and defective. Yes, we are all damaged and defective, but don’t show it to every Tom, Dick (literally), and Harry. Keep your haunts and insecurities to yourself and to those you trust and have known longer than say a year or more – or, to a really good therapist.

Note: It’s no easy task to find a good therapist; you may need to fire several to get to a good one. I purposely used the word “fire” so that you will start taking charge of your life and surroundings.

2. Don’t broadcast your instability or chaotic emotions out on social media. Slow down on the provocative selfies, watch your grammar and spelling, use whole words – not slang or abbreviations, cut out the ‘lols’ and the one-hundred slanten’ happy-faces (if you have to prove that you’re being funny, one smiley face or a ‘haha’ works). If you take your online image to a higher level, you’re raising yourself to a higher level.

3. Clean up your surroundings – no matter what your surroundings may be. Narcissists and Predators can spot our mess a mile away. The most horrible trailer or car can always be cleaned up and beautified: Wash your car, clean the windows, and clear out the clutter. Same with where you live: clean windows, clear the clutter, plant flowers or trees. Predators hone in on our disarray.

Note: A housing crisis is not only affecting California, but across this country, and into Europe; people are being priced out of their homes. I know many people who would kill to have a one room shack. Take care and honor whatever you have.

4. Keep a job – even if it’s a low-paying job – until you get a better job. Or, if you’re on U.I. or disability make sure you are using this time to plant the seeds for a better future, e.g., learning a new skill, taking a class, launching a business, writing a book, fixing your credit, or saving to buy your own property. When we get out there everyday, with other people who aren’t necessarily just trying to f*ck us, our brain is able to get relief and clarity from PTSD fog and chaos. Plus, working and bringing home our own money builds our self-confidence and gives us a sense of our own power and potential.

Note: Keep sex and dating out of the workplace: it can destroy your reputation, get you fired, and turn what should be your time/place to grow & learn into an awkward nightmare.

5. Stay out of bars and off of dating and chat sites. If you are damaged, a man is not going to fix you. Fix yourself first and then seek out a healthy relationship. This may take several years. Learn to enjoy yourself and your own activities. I have a blast finding the rare and undiscovered spots of Southern California and walking my dog there.

6. Stop sleeping with men. And this means stop using men for free dinners, entertainment, and handyman services. We know what men expect from us when they’re doing so-called ‘free’ things for us. It’s not cool to use men. It’s a recycling of energy: When we use and exploit men, they rebel by hating women and thus abusing women even more. If you’re not into a guy, don’t use him for free dinners. Learn how to do things for yourself (YouTube) and what’s too heavy to do on your own, pay a neighbor, or buy a friend lunch to help you. 

Note: We don’t even know who someone is until we’ve been around them for over a year and have seen them respond to a varying amount of different situations. Waiting a few weeks, or even a few months to sleep with a man doesn’t mean that we’re a “great and irresistible hold out.” It means that we were trying to tease him into wanting us more – when in fact, men don’t care if we hold out for 2 minutes or 2 months: Once a man breaks through the castle door with his white horse, the chase, conquest is over and the alchemy of the relationship has changed. Women, become bonded and transfused to the man, literally; the man had fun and got a release (this same sex-bonding may not apply to women who are high in testosterone). Plus, you may have only waited the 2 months so that he could have sex with other women. This is just an unfortunate condition of our times; women indiscriminately having sex with men; men can get sex easily!

Plus, there’s just too many of us, we’re making ourselves way too available, and sadly, we’re all starting to look and act alike (same makeup & hair products and application; same cosmetic surgeries; same photo-filters; same online crazy exhibitionism).

We have to wait until we know that we’re not only healthy and well-adjusted, but he is too. There’s no time-frame on this. And this certainly doesn’t mean to use sex, or the ‘hold-out of sex,’ to manipulate him into ‘wanting you more.’

In order to stop this cycle, we have to act like we’re more evolved. I deliberately wrote the word “act” because this, at times, has to be a forced effort. To break the chains of abuse, on all levels, not just sexually and emotionally, but financially and social-status and reputation-wise, we have to train ourselves to think on a higher-level, to do higher-level activities, and to force ourselves out of our damaged ways by acquiring strength and skills through focus and doing our own hard work.

To summarize all this: Mr. Oh, a narcissistic sexual and emotional predator, who is featured in my book, said to me after I explained to him what a narcissistic, sexual and emotional predator was, “Oh, you’re describing all men.” Sigh, Great … 

Lynna Kivela, MA, Author of the book, “My Sociopath.” On sale at Amazon and other outlets. 

Relationship with a narcissist or sociopath
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Sex and The Narcissist, Sociopath, Sexual Predator

As soon as you have sex with a narcissist, sociopath, sex addict, or sexual predator, they’ve ‘sealed you in,’ and their destruction of you begins.

The Trader Joe’s Predator

A spectacular overview of the predator/prey dynamic featured in a new and emerging blog. Please support this blog.

You will become emerged in the growing, developing, and unfolding chapter-story detailing and unraveling the grooming, love bombing, honeymoon period, and then disrespect, devalue, destruction, and discard process of the predator towards its prey. You will become part of the emerging evil, insanity, and sex and attention addiction of a monster who appears as a loving, generous, helpful, charming, and even spiritual man.

Beware: These evil entities are walking amongst us and they know how to win us over and groom us to be their hooked sex-targets and flying monkeys. You will never come out of this sick-interplay with your same healthy, pure and innocent soul.  You are indeed playing with pure evil. 

It’s best to read this blog from older (September 2018) to its newest postings (current day);  but each writing can be a tale within itself, or should I say, a lesson for all of us.  A must read: 

https://traderjoespredator.blogspot.com/2018/12/the-narcissist-and-our-fake-orgasms-to.html

The Narcissist Sociopath Father

In the end it doesn’t matter: first family, or forth family. The narcissist-sociopath doesn’t have a moral sense of commitment, endurance, focus, or fortitude to maintain anything, anything at all, let alone a family-unit. He doesn’t even have a sense of responsibility to provide any level of protection and commitment to – well – to just about anyone or anything. He’ll throw anyone, including his family, ‘under the bus,’ to get to his next source of ‘love’, attention, and validation. And he’s certainly not going to instill higher wisdom-virtues upon his herd for the simple reason that he’s a blank slate, a void, who only mirrors and manipulates people to get what he wants.

In the context of a male narcissist-sociopath who becomes a breeder, the word “father” is a mere term that we all us to refer to a man, who sometimes, but not always, biologically reproduced us. But in the higher-consciousness of our true spiritual potential – in this case, the male potential – this ‘father’ is not always a positive head-of-household, or protector, or a teacher who bestows strength of character and lessons of wisdom onto the younger generation.

Question: What role does the Narcissist Father play in the household?

Answer: He is a mere breeder referred to as “father.”

Question: Why does the narcissist or sociopath become a breeder?

Let’s face it, he’s always been selfish, self-serving, egotistical, addicted to sex, attention, and stimulation, and he’s always lacked focus, concentration, and perseverance to any higher good and morals. One would think that all these traits would prevent him from breeding any offspring that he would have to be responsible for – even in the smallest capacity.

Answer: It is exactly for these reasons – that seems counter-intuitive to any person with any amount of common sense – that he does propagate. According to Google, propagate means to “spread and promote widely.” Essentially, the narcissist-sociopath is ‘spreading himself widely.’ He is duplicating himself because he believes himself worthy of duplication. He is biologically driven to conquer a woman, entrap her by injecting her with his sperm, and staking his claim on the ‘battlefield of primitive man;’ domination and dominion.

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Narcissist Sociopath Father

He’s all caveman – a reptilian brain stem, biological ‘thing’ (as we all are to a certain degree) – who’s operating from the primitive (and unthinking) urge to: spread my seed … my temporary lust is driving me to make her pregnant – so cool; and by making her pregnant I’m sexy, fertile, young, and manly – not to mention – she’ll be all mine and we’ll be forever happy and perfect with adoring, cooing, and gurgling babies who will worship me forever. I’m creating my own clan.

Narcissist: STOP your delusional thinking right now! Sure we all have biological urges but you must realize that you’re not using your more evolved brain here: Mental over Emotional. Do you have any idea of the real, and hard, and sacrificing work and dedication that is required to raise children who aren’t greedy, selfish, emotional and sexual predators – who have healthy personalities – and actually contribute to the world – instead of sucking the life out of it and everyone in it?!

Our society easily allows for babies to be born from a delusional lust-moment and for men to NOT support or protect the mother and child. He can easily move on down the road when things get tough – meaning the glamour of his fantasy, fun-life of having continual lust-filled, sex-moments with his woman, dissipates as real family responsibility sets in – that is, being a real man and father and not a caveman with a conquering penis. And the ‘next woman down the road’ readily welcomes him into her cave! Another whole lustful, conquering and conquest cycle begins.

And this next woman down the road likely has her own children from a different conquering penis. You see, the narcissist-sociopath finds it more alluring to conquer and take care of another man’s child than his own! He’s not only taking over another man’s cave, but it’s way more important for him to impress strangers than to do what is expected of him in his primary family who will not necessarily applaud him on. Plus, there’s not the same ties of true responsibility and fortitude with another man’s child; there’s not the same emotional intensity involved with raising another man’s child. The narcissist doesn’t think much past “winning one over” on the real father (duping).

In the end it doesn’t matter: first family, or forth family. The narcissist-sociopath doesn’t have a moral sense of commitment, endurance, focus, or fortitude to maintain anything, anything at all, let alone a family-unit. He doesn’t even have a sense of responsibility to provide any level of protection and commitment to – well – to just about anyone or anything. He’ll throw anyone, including his family, ‘under the bus,’ to get to his next source of ‘love’, attention, and validation. And he’s certainly not going to instill higher wisdom-virtues upon his herd for the simple reason that he’s a blank slate, a void, who only mirrors and manipulates people to get what he wants.

The narcissist is just a breeder who seeks the glory and attention of the Honeymoon Period Impregnation; the euphoria connected to his sperm inside the womb of someone he is temporarily fantasy-idealizing as his Madonna; a woman he believes will forever comfort, complete, and satiate his sick ego. His lust-delusion may last for the first several months to few years – where new baby is still cute, and adores him, and he’s still getting attention and admiration from his acquaintances and his flying monkeys (even though most of it is canned and extended because of societal pressure) for being a father. But with everything in the narcissist’s life: he grows bored – especially when the glamour fades and real life and the reality of being a responsible and focused family man sets in.

In the end, the narcissist treats all his children, from whatever family, as pawns to offer him comfort. He ties his children to his emotional umbilical cord. He turns his children into the following roles (all these have what’s referred to as the “golden child” aspect and all these overlap):

One: His play object – to entertain him and to ease his constant sense of boredom.

Two: His girlfriend and boyfriend

Love bombs them: Does not have boundaries with them.

Enables them: Taking care of them when they’re way beyond their adult-time and helping them not take responsibility for their bad life-choices.

Sexualizes them: Appearing to have a sexual relationship with them; behaving in an almost incestual manner, e.g., taking selfies with them; appearing on and off camera where father and daughter are scantily clad (the dirty old man image); says inappropriate things about their body-parts to not only them, but to others.

Three: His confidant and pseudo-therapist – to get emotional support when he ruined yet another relationship (even with the child’s own mother), job/career, or gets into legal or financial problems.

Four: His best friend – to admire him and comfort his ego; to do teenage type of activities with; and to even help him look for women. His children, particular the daughters, will help him with his online dating-profile and even set him up with women she knows.

Five: His flying monkey – to help him fight his battles. He plays the innocent victim and pits his children against their own mother, and others.

Six: His mirror – to receive unconditional love, obedience, worship, and admiration without earning it.

However, as soon as this child develops a sense of self, individuality, and identity (around puberty), the narcissist discards this child for another admiring and co-dependent child, or the father will jump into another fast moving sexual relationship to comfort his ego. This same discarded child will likely return to the control of the narcissist father because his/her self-confidence is shattered and to receive the narcissist father’s validation (trauma bonding). And just like us, the child is addicted to the father’s love bombing.

To summarize: When the narcissist gets a woman pregnant, it’s merely another layer of his fantasy, idealization honeymoon period, delusion. He’s pedestalling his new family-to-be and the mother, Pure Madonna, Only Unto Him, that he has captured, without thinking about the responsibility, commitment, endurance, hardship, and the not-so glamorous side of raising a child (screaming; demands; diaper and toilet stuff; financial sacrifice, obligation, and hardship; restrictions on his freedom, womanizing, and sexual prowess), and dedication involved in maintaining a solid and stable family unit.

Since he doesn’t truly love anyone but himself, he becomes Fun Dad without boundaries and limits. He strives to be the most loved. He’s reckless, irresponsible, and even slightly perverted with his children to seek his own sense of comfort and to satiate his own disturbed ego. His children are pawns to satiate his ego.

Lynna, Author of the book, “My Sociopath”

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Do Sociopaths Know That They’re Sociopaths?

Basically, we are left traumatized because we come to the realization that we were nothing but a disposable, interchangeable, replaceable object to the narcissist. A total annihilation of our being just so the narcissist could get sex, care taking, and attention .

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I would venture to say that in past-times, “No,” but in current-times, “Yes.”  Why two answers? Because of the advent of social media, and the prevalence of open discussions from both victims of sociopaths, and self-proclaimed sociopaths, this wave of awareness is no-doubt hitting and then swallowing up the everyday and oblivious disordered individual himself.

How can the relationship-jumper, the sex addict, the liar, manipulator, seducer, and cheater not be hit by our onslaught of writings, postings, and our depressed and anguished screams and protests? These lowly-evolved and chaotic souls crawl around social-media searching for attention and stimulation – maybe even more so than we all do; we – the slightly less chaotic souls – who are in search for answers to why that individual caused so much chaos and destruction in our mind and soul.

I remember a much older female friend telling me years ago that I was dating a narcissist. I didn’t think and connect beyond: Narcissist, yeah sure, he certainly is fixated on his appearance. Now, not only me, but you as well, know this word to mean a person that exploits us for our good and caring nature, and who will likely not only leave us traumatized with a feeling of being taken advantage of, but with a sense of betrayal regarding our innocent idea of love.

Basically, we are left traumatized because we come to the realization that we were nothing but a disposable, interchangeable, replaceable object to the narcissist. A total annihilation of our being just so the narcissist could get sex, care taking, and attention. 

Flash-forward, past this narcissist boyfriend who I was warned about: I was later struck by a sociopath that used and abused me emotionally, mentally, and financially, and during this abuse, it was the year 2012 and I could go to the internet and Facebook to learn more about what happened to me. And don’t think that I didn’t start my own community page to reveal my abuser and send my page’s link to all his flying monkeys.

Just think: the narcissist-sociopath uses social-media for their advantage even more than we do; so, even they, are becoming increasingly self-aware of their abuse and who they are.    

But the true reality of the situation is this:  Even I am inundated with sociopath after sociopath article and am forced to stop and reflect: Hmmm…maybe I’m not an empath at all, but a sociopath? I mean, I kinda, sorta, fit some of the behaviors of a sociopath? In actuality, any self-reflective person has to stop and wonder the same thing.  

So, you are thinking, Well, the sociopath isn’t self-reflective … they never see themselves! Not true. Sociopaths appear intelligent because they’re constantly measuring and analyzing their environment and our reactions to their methods and overall behaviors. Narcissists may not self-reflect on their destructive behavior patterns, but they certainly self-reflect on how to improve their self-serving game so to get more narcissistic ego-rewards. 

Don’t forget: Sociopaths are social chameleons.  How can you be a social chameleon and not be self-reflective?

Here is the thinking of Mr. Oh, my town’s predator, and who is featured in my book:

  1. There’s pervert, co-predator, Lance over there, screwing all the lowly and desperate ladies, what a cool lifestyle, I’m envious of him, and since I’m way beyond my prime, and I’m a sex-addict, hanging out with him gives me that pervert-edge – I’m so ‘young’ and sexy trolling the cougar, dirty, old man bars with him – Give me attention and validation – even though these lowly ladies only want my food, house, and money, at least they’re smiling up at me, and stroking my ego (and other things), as I pay their way. (Most all narcissist-sociopaths are sexual predators and attract or cultivate co-predators.)
  1. Oh, there’s Lynna now. I do like to hang with her, but she’s not a dirty, old man pervert, but she’s fun anyway and we do cool things like hiking, and swimming, and visiting Buddhist Monasteries together; these distractions are all very stimulating and ease my constant sense of boredom. And in my other life, I am a loving, spiritual, guru man. Hopefully Lynna will give me sex, but if not, I’ll attract all the ‘healing’ yoga ladies with my inappropriately long hair. Plus, she’s educated, and a yoga teacher, and published a book, so I can use her credentials to impress my flying monkeys. (The narcissist self-promotes himself through the credentials of his partner/flying monkeys.)
  1. Wait, there’s Betty, The Fundamental Christian: I’m shifting over to yet another one of my lives: superficial, plastic, generic, meaningless, image only. Betty uses and abuses me for food, entertainment and favors, but strokes my ego while doing so, with words like, “You’re the greatest man ever … You’re a rock, a superman …” This makes me feel worthy and alive. Plus, she’s superficial, shallow, plastic, caked-on with products, and an overall generic Southern Californian – she serves my superficial and base-image well. But most importantly, I don’t mind going with her to her Fundamental Church because I can relate to the minister’s preaching about morality – I’m moral – and not to mention, I am attracted to the preaching minister because he’s focused and determined (I don’t have these traits, but believe that I do have these traits, but wish that I could have these traits – I know, my mind is a constantly revolving contradiction); and the minister is really good looking!  (Narcissists are not only shallow and into image only, but believe themselves to be moral and superior to others; the God Complex; Delusions of Grandeur.) 

Yes, most narcissist-sociopaths have some self-awareness; that is if he/she is not primarily delusional, or in a prolonged state of schizophrenia. How can they be such savvy shape-shifters if they weren’t self-aware?

I believe that the most significant evidence of their being somewhat self-aware is this: They know how to act completely loving and doting toward us in public, to impress others and their flying monkeys, but behind closed-doors, they act cruel, vicious, and heartless towards us.   

And as I too wrote: We’re going through a subconscious-shift in awareness (some of us are more aware than others) that’s penetrating our material world; and because of social-media, many of us are able to not only express, but project our thoughts, opinions, and observations regarding what happened to us, and who and what these predators, users, and abusers are. Our wave of thoughts, speeches (who amongst us hasn’t called someone a narcissist or sociopath lately?), and writings have certainly hit upon and impacted the narcissist-sociopath as well.  

The real question is: How many of us are going to continue with our own pattern of being so desperate for the approval of someone else – so desperate for love – that we allow these people to continue growing in strength by allowing them to love bomb us and have almost immediate sex with us; and by giving them permission to enter and take over our lives without first laying down standards and requirements of a relationship, and without using our discerning intelligence and mental awareness? 

Lynna, Author of the book, “My Sociopath”

(article slightly edited from its original publication date of 9-29-18)

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Narcissists Are Love-Addicts

Narcissists don’t set out to be abusive. They become abusive when the fantasy-idealized image of their Fairytale Love Relationship turns into real life and real responsibility; when he’s held accountable. In fact, narcissists and sociopaths are love-addicts but lack the necessary tools to create and maintain healthy and adult relationships. The narcissist becomes abusive toward the current partner during the devalue and discard stage of the relationship, or when he becomes obsessed and fixated on finding his next ‘perfect and idealized love image. ‘

It’s a misnomer that narcissists/sociopaths do not love. They love intensely … but it’s not a love that most of us know of, or understand – it’s not a love of responsibility, accountability, loyalty, or partnership.  A narcissist’s version of love is the fantasy-idealization stage. This is where they believe they met the person of their dreams who will forever fulfill their life needs. What this actually means is: Another person that will forever cater to the narcissist’s intense emotional and mental needs by being constantly compliant, attentive, nurturing, giving, soothing … basically a person that will be a mind-reading caretaker. Narcissists are attracted to nurse aides, teachers, and caretakers.

Narcissists cannot self-soothe, self-satiate, self-fulfill, or build their own sense-of-self through hard work and discipline. It’s the admiring and validating reflection of others that energizes a narcissist. In the beginning stages of a relationship – we are fawning all over the narcissist’s image personified – and we are also portraying ourselves as ‘the best, unconditional loving, and most compliantly loving woman and caretaker he will ever have.’ This is also known as the honeymoon period and both parties participate in this fantasy.

Narcissists are in love in this beginning period of the relationship – their version of love, ah hum, lust, and they do believe that we will be their Fairytale Princess who will complete their lives … forever. But a narcissist doesn’t  want to deal with reality – the ups-and-downs of a relationship – the partnership aspect of a relationship – the get-down-and-dirty, work, build, and sacrifice part of a relationship. Narcissists haven’t emotionally developed beyond a 3-year-old playing in a sandbox, grabbing the shovel from the little girl, and putting a dramatic show on until all the mothers on the playground pay attention to him only, and are forced – out of social awkwardness –  to tell him and his mother how cute he is. Narcissists believe that they get to do what they want to do, when they want to do it, and still have a ‘relationship,’ or should I say, still have a nice, compliant, and doting woman waiting for him at home. 

When real life and real responsibility sets into his current relationship, the narcissist-sociopath re-creates another fantasy-idealized partner that will be his ‘fix.’ This idealized-image can be anyone: a co-worker, someone on Facebook, a neighbor, his current partner’s friend or sister.  It’s a repeat of his delusional mind-programming: The next woman, a new woman, will be the perfect lover, angelic kitchen goddess, and caretaker; she will be his soulmate; she will fill his void.  It was always the sociopath or narcissist in my life that told me – soon after meeting me – that he believed me to be his soulmate; but in strange contrast – me, being a woman and all – never talked such foolishness. The narcissist-sociopath believes himself to be fourteen and his fantasy-idealized girl will be all food, f*cks, fun;  no responsibility, no hard work, no sacrifice, no equality. The narcissist lives for the honeymoon period; this is where he is the happiest and most energetic. 

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Picasso’s ‘Head of a Woman’

I don’t believe that the narcissist-sociopath sets out to be abusive; but to the contrary, he sets out to be that Knight on The Whitehorse. In fact, most, if not all, narcissists see themselves as good and loving human beings. But because the narcissist-sociopath lacks basic human qualities of an evolved and mature man such as possessing integrity, character, loyalty, focus, discipline, and the ability to delay gratification, he destroys everything he touches – including his once fantasy-idealized princess. Soon after the love-bombing, honeymoon period, lust stage goes away, and real life and real responsibility sets in, the narcissist grows bored and needs his next ‘fix;’ a new and adoring ‘princess.’

When the narcissist-sociopath devalues his current partner and relationship, and fantasy-idealizes another person, he becomes abusive to his current partner. In his delusional mind, he blames his current target for destroying his ‘perfect life of food, f*cks, and fun.’ To take this a step further: The narcissist believes he is entitled to a life of food, f*cks, and fun – and a willing partner that will happily – without saying a word and without asking for anything – go along with this lifestyle.

Let’s face it: When he is love-bombing us, we’re playing the role of the happy, smiling, doting, cool and accepting, little girl standing in the corner and compliantly worshiping our big, hero man with a huge and fantastic penis. So, in a way, we too pulled the rug out from under the narcissist’s belief that we were his perfect, quiet and sacrificing princess. I mean come on, we’re tired and worn out from catering to all his baby brat needs and soothing away all his emotional mind-fuckery trickery.  (I digressed with the “fantastic penis” add in, but allow me to digress even further: most narcissists don’t have great sexual prowess – we only believe they do because we’re being love-bombed by our White Knight; and if they do, by chance, have anything spectacular going on down there: it’s dirty!). 

I believe the narcissist-sociopath is a love-addict and his abusive nature sets in when his fantasy-idealization delusion of ‘the perfect love’ is shattered. As many of us already know, many narcissists are sex-addicts, but in this realization, we didn’t think further in that many sex-addicts are also love-addicts.  But the thing is, they don’t have the ability to keep loving relationships going because they’re not loyal or trustworthy, and they’re prone to boredom, and they have no ability to delay gratification and self-soothe. I believe narcissists and sociopaths desperately want love, but have no evolutionary skills to obtain it (heck, they don’t even have a moral compass).

A narcissist wants and craves in us the unconditional love of a mother but does such horrible things that a truly loving ‘mother’ would beat the sh*t out of him and thus, do a service for the well-being of humanity.   

Narcissists and sociopaths turn abusive after the idealization stage of the honeymoon period is over. During the love-bombing stage, well, they’re not only very loving, but they believe in love. But it’s not an adult concept of real and enduring love; it’s a fun and f*ck love. When the narcissist half wakes-up from his delusion of fantasy, Fairytale Love, and has to be accountable and responsible, he becomes abusive to the target in place. The narcissist devalues and discards as a way to not only preserve his fragile ego and masked sense-of-self, but to balk at another ruined relationship and to give himself permission to seek refuge, solace, and redemption in the ‘love’ of yet another perfect and idealized image of ‘love.’

Lynna, Author of the book, “My Sociopath”

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Image Credit: Picasso’s ‘Head of a Woman’ (1960) ©2014 SUCCESSION PICASSO/ARTIST RIGHTS SOCIETY (ARS), NEW YORK

The Fast Moving Relationship: Love Bombing and Fantasy Idealization

Narcissists and sociopaths Fantasy Idealize. They have to live in a perpetual state of the honeymoon period where everything is fun, f*cking, and eating; no responsibility, protection, loyalty, stability toward the other person is required; it’s all lust and infatuation – though both parties believe this to be love.

At this stage, the narcissist has no financial or moral responsibility toward the target. The narcissist’s elaborate and inappropriate gift-giving at the beginning of the relationship doesn’t count as ‘financial or shared responsibility with a partner.’ He is foolishly and elaborately spending money on her to not only seduce and manipulate her, but to capture her. As far as “moral responsibility” goes, it’s easy to be faithful to someone during the exhilarating fun, f*ck, and eat stage. He is at the ‘start line’ of the race and the real marathon, the hard work, has yet to begin.  

The beginning of a relationship is where the narcissist-sociopath is on his extreme dopamine high and his energy, stamina, and hopefulness is at its highest and most powerful. The narcissist feels like Superman when he is cultivating and manipulating new supply to love, f*ck, and adore him. This usually comes as a new, or ‘pure source’ of love. Though the narcissist will return to former partners to love-bomb them all over again, it’s never at the same intensity as the first love-bombing session. Previous targets are not so quick to blindly worship the narcissist because they know, or at the least, partly understand, who the narcissist is behind the mask.

I must explain what a “pure source” is: A new person that is struck down by her own Fantasy Idealization (it takes two to Fantasy Idealize) of someone whom she just met. She believes that she just met her Superman, her White Knight. She can’t believe her luck because before him, her life was lackluster, desperately dismal and difficult. He is mirroring her – giving her everything she ever wanted or needed – to cultivate her into being his magical-elixir that will satiate him, fill his void, and complete him. In this new relationship, she is worshiping him, idealizing him, fawning over him, obsessing over him, pleasing him, and obeying him; she is playing her own part in the Fantasy Idealization game. She believes that this quick lust, love-bombing, and infatuation is real love and he is the White Knight that she not only deserves, but has been waiting for. 

White Knight

There is no discord, as of yet, in this new, fantasy, perfect love relationship. There is no holding him accountable or responsible; no real life. They are like playmates on the playground playing doctor. Mr. Oh, who is featured in my book, said to me, “When you spend the night in my room, I feel like I’m six years old again, camping in my room with my little girlfriend who lived next door.” Narcissists want us to be their childhood ‘girlfriend’ from their 1st grade class, or neighborhood; all fun and no responsibility.

Since the narcissist has no ability to self-satiate, self-soothe, self-regulate, and self-reward himself through his own independent and higher-level focused and goal-oriented work, this fantasy-obsession relationship is his reward, his ‘trophy’ to prove that he is the most powerful of all male specimens – with the most powerful of all penises –  and thus, he is indeed Superman or a White Knight. Most narcissists and sociopaths are also sex-addicts.

This stage is where our outer appearance is Fantasy Idealized as well. In his eyes, we are the most beautiful woman in the world because we are a reflection of him. He believes himself to be the most handsome, so of course, he only gets the most beautiful women. I suppose this is good for our self-esteem, but this will only serve our egos well during the Fantasy Idealization stage; upon being devalued and discarded, we will hate ourselves even more than we did before he came along.

When the chase, the hunt, is over for the narcissist – when he captured us and got us under his control – when he’s unraveled all layers of our mystique and we are no longer a mystery to be had, obtained and mastered – when life becomes rote and routine with us – the narcissist finds us less desirable in not only looks, but overall. We are now a ‘tainted source’. He starts to see our flaws; though these same “flaws” may not be flaws at all in the eyes of someone who is of a healthier mindset.

As his boredom takes over, we do not only become less desirable, but he will find most everyone else, within reason, more attractive (though they may not be attractive at all). He may still have sex with us but he is thinking about other potential targets to be conquered. He’s returned to his own Fantasy Idealized world. But let’s not forget: We also Fantasy Idealized him and his looks when he was love-bombing us into the stars. It’s not until we begin to recover from the trauma, that we see him as both a terrible person and unattractive, and think, what on earth was I thinking?

As further explained in my book: Most narcissists are not the most attractive people. The stereotypical tall, dark, handsome narcissist with the chiseled features that immediately comes to mind is a creation of Hollywood movies. Most narcissists struggle with an inferiority complex and thus, learned to compensate by manipulating, conning, cultivating, and seducing others to like them.  Whereas healthier-minded people try to develop themselves to their highest potentials in order to attract healthy relationships, the narcissist cultivates, manages, and manipulates how others feel about him and perceive him. In essence, they mirror us, so that we mirror them back; so that we fawn all over them, and soothe and satiate their inferiority and emptiness.

When the narcissist-sociopath is not in the honeymoon high, he is prone to feeling bored, lethargic, de-energized, and unmotivated. Mr. Oh told me that he has gone through bouts of depression. I found this hard to believe because he’s the manic, fun loving, entertaining, town predator who is always chasing and paying for people’s attention, sex, and fawning (dinners and entertainment). He believes that he has regained his fleeting self-worth when he gets a woman to worship and adore him, have sex with him, and be impressed by his penis size. Upon further investigation, I discovered that his so-called bouts of depression coincide with the ‘empty spaces’ in his life between cultivating someone – making someone fall in love with him – or when a woman isn’t fawning over his penis size and sexual prowess; when he’s not experiencing a new romance or having that wild and new sex.

I have been using the word “cultivate” throughout this writing because it is the perfect terminology to describe what a narcissist – an emotional and sexual predator – does to gain new supply and flying monkeys. He cultivates people to love and adore him because in this, he finds temporary relief from his detached soul – his emptiness – his void. Narcissists are incomplete humans until we come along to swoon over them and make them feel whole again – to feel worthy; the unconditional love of a mother.

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The Flight from Disunity: Thomas Merton

The narcissist seeks the unconditional love of a mother even though his behaviors toward us are cruel and abusive; he still expects our love, loyalty, and dedication. He’s not loyal to us – or others – but he expects loyalty toward him. Despite the claims of other writers that the narcissist-sociopath plots, plans, and knows that he’s destroying us, I don’t agree with this. The narcissist, like most of us, is in an automatic-programming for survival. However, his ‘programming’ is bad (for lack of better words). Likely caused by childhood neglect and abuse, or the extreme opposite, childhood entitlement.

The main influence for his toxic dysfunction was his mother: Mother’s Emotional Body (coined in my book, “My Sociopath”). For instance, I don’t plan out my emotional reactions toward many of my life situations; for the most part, I react out of lifelong conditioning and habit that was learned in childhood – from my mother. My mother has similar emotional reactions and coping-skills toward most of her life situations and the people in her surroundings as I do. Going on this, I don’t believe that the narcissist understands that he is a destroyer. He rationalizes away most of his harmful behaviors as he was the one being slighted, or mistreated, and he needed to defend or preserve himself. Perhaps he realizes his most detrimental acts, but it’s still likely that he dismisses away their full and destructive impact on others.

It’s our glowing-reflection upon the narcissist that determines his current mindset; the fact that he has manipulated and staged our perception of him doesn’t matter.  I can feel contentment when taking my dog for a joyful and peaceful walk; narcissists cannot find this same contentment because the trail, the sidewalk, the path, the trees aren’t going to applaud him on, fawn over him and worship him, compliment his penis or prowess, tell him how handsome and sexy he is, or moan with ecstasy during love-making (even fake ecstasy sounds – the narcissist does not care).

I learned to use the word “cultivate” from Mr. Oh. I discovered lists, many lists, of women’s names in his possession. They were random women: women at his job in a popular Southern California grocery store; women in his neighborhood; women he saw in yoga classes; waitresses and barmaids; hundreds of names. All names contained the underlining and unspoken hope, the Fantasy Idealization, that she, or perhaps her, would be his magical-elixir, his Ultimate Doting, Obeying, Fawning, Sex, Kitchen, House-Cleaning and Mothering Goddess.

One or more of these names, on one or more of these lists, would surely fix him, make him feel more complete, take away all his loneliness and fill his void, and be his mother’s unconditional love. In return, he’d just have to provide a penis, some semblance to a man – an authoritative and controlling air, perhaps a bit of a ‘bad boy’ tone to it, and some food and shelter; but he would still be able to do whatever he wanted to do, whenever he wanted to do it. Of course, he’s not actually mentally thinking through all this, and he’s on his best and most ‘loyal’ behavior during the love-bombing – because he really does believe in the White Knight and Damsel in Distress fantasy. A narcissist-sociopath never emotionally and mentally matures beyond 6-year-olds camping in his bedroom.

boy girl love

Narcissists want to be in a relationship and yet, they soon want to play the ‘relationship game’ by their own rules; rules which we know nothing about and rules which have nothing to do with a relationship anyway. Basically, the rules are, or the rule is: He gets to feed, flatter, f*ck, cultivate, and seduce most anyone – of course, they’re all just “friends” – to satiate his f*cked-up mess of an ego, and we are expected to be loyal, smiling, and doting throughout.  

Putting all my findings together, I remembered that Mr. Oh told me that he puts women up to the “Two second test.” If a woman looks at him – meets his eyes – for more than two seconds, then he believes that she finds him attractive. Mr. Oh’s ‘test’ is scary because I often look at men whom I feel sorry for, or I just want to show a bit of human kindness toward, or perhaps, I’m just looking in an unconscious direction. Yes, Mr. Oh is the town’s sexual and emotional predator, a serial cultivator, relationship jumper, love-bomber and then destroyer, but he also fits the stereotypical definition of a narcissist: a person who is obsessed with their own looks – their own image; they feel superior in looks, intelligence, and in power to the rest of us … The God Complex. 

Mr. Oh’s “Two second test” is a way in which he gauges his worth – his attractiveness, power and superiority – to ensure that he can continue to successfully manipulate and control his external environment (people and situations). The narcissist-sociopath has no internal control for delayed gratification in order to achieve a fundamentally better and stronger life with real and healthy relationships and accomplishments – or to obtain a safe and steady foundation for himself and those who are closest to him – so everything he does is a means to manage and manipulate the perception that others see of him.

I once said to Mr. Oh, “All you do is love-bomb people … you go from one love-bombing relationship to the next.” He replied, “But that’s where it’s the most fun.” Yes, Mr. Oh does have a point. However, as we grow, mature, and evolve we realize that there is also “fun” in building a real, solid, safe, secure, and flourishing foundation and life with another person who we are largely compatible with and can show lasting kindness and mutual respect toward. This is known as our evolution as humans, or even just plain ol’ maturity. However, narcissists-sociopaths don’t evolve, nor do they ever mature. They all stay within the same mentality as Mr. Oh’s “little six-year-old neighborhood girlfriend camping overnight in his bedroom.”

Stability does not equate to boredom; that is only in the eyes of the sociopath. Stability in many of life’s important aspects (financial; protection of your partner, family, home, and everyone’s future), lessens the chances of suffering mothers and their children and pets, and keeps these same individuals out of poverty, dysfunction, mental illness, and misery; as well as better assuring that the younger generation does not repeat this same toxic dysfunctional pattern. You will never have peace, safety, wellness, or stability with a narcissist or sociopath.

But most of all, we must put our own egos aside to intelligently question any person that seems too into us, too quickly, without even knowing who we really are.  It feels good to be idealized, love-bombed, and to be “The Chosen,” but everything in life comes at a cost; nothing ever comes for free (forgive the cliche). Mr. Oh targets just about anyone but it’s the older woman who is lonely, struggling, desperate for love and attention, and who is newly divorced that succumbs quicker and easier to his seductions.  We all want to be loved and taken care of, but we all need to be smarter and realize that we must first take care of, and protect ourselves, and our loved ones. 

Contact me for your promotional-rate phone consultation on how to deal with a relationship with a narcissist, or the trauma you are suffering because of a relationship with a narcissist or sociopath.

mysociopath@gmail.com

Lynna, Author of the book, “My Sociopath”

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