The Dangerous Female “Friend” of The Narcissist
This is an inevitable match and it is one made in heaven.
The personality disordered requires constant external stimulation. They have no ability to go inward or to do independent and lone activities. Their inner-self is dead and only awakened when there is a people-source feeding it.
Since Narcissists are hyper-sexual (though they have sexual dysfunctions), they seek their external stimulation via a person of the opposite sex. The personality disordered has many “friends” of the opposite sex. There is a hint of sexuality that keeps the relationship charged. These stimulation-sources are usually previous intimate relationships or a person that The Narcissist had hopes of having an intimate relationship with at one time, but for a myriad of reasons, the intimacy component failed to develop. However, everything revolves around sex for A Narcissist so this component always played or plays a factor with their so called female “friends.”
Q. But since A Narcissists needs to have sex with someone to feel good about himself and to dominate and control others, why is he not having sex with the female, co-dependent enablers that constantly surround him?
A. Narcissists get sexually turned-off very easily and quickly. Since they never make a true, deep, pure and loving sexual-connection with their partners (but it sure seems like they do!), it takes very little for them to get bored or turned-off. It could be her smell, he starts noticing too much body fat, that she has wrinkles or other “defects” that he exaggerates in his mind, or she is not feeding his emotional needs as much as she did in the honeymoon period and he feels rejected. Everything is superficial for a Narcissist (they are incapable of deeply bonding) and so is his sex, which we wrongly believed was “love making” when he was love-bombing us during the honeymoon period.
A. He wants to have sex with her, but SHE got turned-off by HIM and she is no longer sexually into or responsive towards him; but she still wants him around to use him. Many women are highly intuitive and can sense when they are around someone with personality issues, or when they are sleeping with evil or someone that is harming them. Women cannot be sexually responsive towards a man that does not make them feel safe. The first hint that we are unsafe comes from learning that he is a habitual liar.
When the sexual-stage ends (or doesn’t develop) with one of The Narcissist’s female hanger-ons, he turns her into his “friend.” A Narcissist is obsessed with looking like the good guy, the great one, the superior…so he does not want a woman being mad at him or leaving him angry. (Sociopaths are different here: their previous women despise them so much that The Sociopath has no choice but to endlessly try to destroy and slander her because of her intense hatred towards him.) The Narcissist draws her back into his clutches as a “friend.” This is easy for him to do because she is weakened, shattered and twisted from dealing with his games, tricks, manipulations, lies-on-top-of-lies, drama, and his financial chaos that she suffered through. She submits to being his “friend” just so that she can have a bit of a male safety-net to help her along in life.
These women are now his co-dependent female enablers that he calls “friends.” What is especially odd, he has MANY female “friends.” True male/female friend relationships are rare but yet The Narcissist has these female “friends” lurking everywhere! These female “friends” are usually uneducated or not very smart, have low-level skills and jobs, and are always experiencing life-crises.
In actuality, Narcissists have no concept of friendship and use the “friend” word flippantly in regards to anyone that shines upon their dead soul, admires them or holds them in awe (this “shine” comes from the Narc picking up tabs and/or doing favors).
Because of The Narcissist’s female enablers own personality issues, she cannot find or keep her own intimate partner so she uses The Narcissist as her handyman and picker-upper of lunch, coffee or drink tabs. If she had found another true and supportive intimate partner, she would not be wasting her time on The Narcissist “friend” relationship: She would NOT have a use for him – nor would her new partner tolerate her hanging out with this creep.
Only we, the new intimate partner of the Narcissist tolerate these so-called female “friends” hanging around everywhere. Narcissists make us tolerate everything damaging they do because if we didn’t tolerate the intolerable, we are “insecure, wrong, crazy, or are messed up because we come from a dysfunctional home.”
The Narcissist’s female enabler/friend is not doing what she should be doing in her own life and is using The Narcissist to escape her miserable existence; and in the process, she is providing The Narcissist an emotional-cushion and feeding his ego. She may be uneducated but she is Street-Smart and she knows what to say to a Narcissist to make him feel good about himself: “You are my hero, thank you for helping me and always being there for me,” “You are my rock,” “I depend upon your great advice,” etc.
He, in turn, feels like a “Superman” with her. He needs to always feel like a “Superman” and plus he is likely already sabotaging his relationship with the newest intimate partner, so he reaches out to the female “friend” for assurance that he is the great one…The Superman.
He doesn’t have to deal with the scary and insecure environment he created for the newest intimate partner…he can escape to the glowing female “friend’s” environment.
His female “friends” lurk everywhere and they destroy the new intimate partner. This co-dependent, enabling woman “friend” acts sweet and innocent and supportive of his new relationship. She has to in order to keep him around for her needs. He is sneaking around behind the newest intimate partner’s back so that he can still treat the female “friend” to coffees and lunches and to do favors for her. He needs to keep her in the background for his ego support.
In the meantime, The Narcissist complains to the newest intimate partner about his poor financial condition and the intimate partner makes sacrifices for him, for them: She orders the cheapest coffee or has the smallest lunch; she buys groceries and cooks for him…anything to save him money; she genuinely loves and cares for him. In the meantime, he is freely spending money on the female “friend.” (This article is focusing on female co-dependent enabling “friends” of The Narcissist, but they also have many co-dependent, enabling male “friends.”)
He needs to always look like the good and generous guy. The Narcissist would not have “friends,” females or males, if he did not pick up everyone’s tabs. In the meantime, the intimate partner is going without (especially after his love-bombing and the honeymoon period) because he is always “broke.” Essentially, he pays to have “friends” by picking up tabs or doing favors.
Needy people use The Narcissist because they know he is deeply insecure and desperately wants to be liked.
The Narcissist is always “busy,” yet, he never accomplishes anything substantial and is never working towards goals. He is always out with “friends” buying lunches, coffees, drinks. Plus, he is always bored (he is empty on the inside) and needs these constant outings. His damaged ego needs this stimulation of being the “great guy” that picks up everyone’s tabs. The intimate partner is therefore conditioned to not put requirements on his time because he is such a “busy and important man” and she fends for herself. A Narcissist has no ability to focus for long on the amazing intimate partner he captured but needs superficial attention and admiration from the scattered-masses of generic people and their “admiration.”
The intimate partner will eventually ask point-blank when was the last time he saw the female “friend.” He will lie to diminish the excessive amount of time, attention, energy and money on tabs he is picking up for the “friend.” When the intimate partner corners him on this strange relationship, he blames the intimate partner: “I couldn’t tell you because you would be mad…hurt! We are just good FRIENDS. You are crazy.”
The female enabling “friend” has no regard for The Narcissist still spending time and money on her despite his new relationship. If she were his true friend or even a decent woman, she would pick up her own tab and make sure that the new intimate partner was invited along to each meeting she had with him. She, however, pretends to want to meet and hang-out with his new intimate partner but somehow this never happens.
And, The Narcissist knows that having the intimate partner along with his female “friend” meeting would dim the “Superman Admiration” that this female co-dependent enabler shows towards him. He needs to shower all his intense attention upon her so that he receives her glow and admiration in return. The intimate partner coming along would dim the female “friend’s” glow upon him.
Q. Why is he investing so much time, energy and money into female “friends” that he is not having sex with?
A. Because he is having sex with you! The female “friends” are his emotional supporters and cushions when he damages the new intimate partner. He tells her half-the-story on what he did to destroy the intimate partner and she tells him how “great” he is, “you deserve better,” “she is no good for you,” etc.
He is now redeemed from his evil.
A. He IS trying to have sex with her (if she hasn’t turned him off sexually yet) but she is playing “hard to get,” and this excites and motivates him to keep taking her out for more treats and doing more favors for her and she knows this!
He doesn’t have to repair or even deal with what he did to the intimate partner: He now has the “friend” to hang out with all the time to not only escape his own thoughts on the latest horrible thing he did to the intimate partner, but the female “friend” entertains his perpetual state of boredom. Narcissists cannot be alone to reflect inward on what they did to damage a person, so they return to the constant company of their female “friend(s).” And the female “friend” is happy to have his full-attention back. Win-win. The Narcissist is now the “great guy,” after he destroyed yet again…The female “friend” tells him so, and this female “friend” gets more lunches, more coffees and drinks, and more favors done.
Dear Female “Friend” of The Narcissist:
1. If he is so great, why aren’t you his “loving” partner? Great “friends” make the best intimate partners.
2. Maybe he should make you pick up the tab a few times: I’m wondering how long you would put up with that?
3. If he wasn’t there to do little favors for you, would you still want him around?
4. You don’t think there is “another side of the story” regarding what he is doing to hurt and destroy his intimate partner?
5. You don’t find it odd that he cannot keep an intimate relationship for very long? Every single woman is bad and he is great, really?
Female “friends” of men with personality disorders are extremely dangerous:
They keep The Narcissist strong so that The Narcissist doesn’t have to be held accountable for the innocent lives he destroys. The female enablers/”friends” have no problem in taking his money, time, and energy. The intimate partner is left confused and stressed out on why he always seems busy and distracted, and we have absolutely NO DEFENSE. He defiantly and stubbornly calls her his “great friend” and we are turned into the “insecure and jealous and crazy” and the female co-dependent “friend” reinforces this!
The female co-dependent “friend” is a dangerous wedge in our relationship and the new intimate partner will never survive the lies and deceit that The Narcissist weaves to keep feeding this dangerous entity in his life.
The Narcissist cannot survive without female “friends.” After he destroys you, he will try to make you his “friend” too (unless he is a sociopath or psychopath)! You being his “friend” now makes him look good when he is pursuing his next target: “I’m ‘friends’ with all my exes.” Really, if he is such a great “friend” to so many females, why does none of his intimate relationships ever last?
The female “friend” will always come first and he will tell lie-upon-lie to the intimate partner to keep this Narcissist-Female/”Friend”/Co-dependency alive. Why? Because he is incapable of developing real, deep, loving relationships, and instead, obsessively seeks ego-stimulation and boosting from shallower relationships.
Intimate relationships require too much reliability, dependability and responsibility. Narcissists are NOT reliable, dependable or responsible! He will ALWAYS sabotage intimate relationships and he needs female “friends” lingering around so that he has an immediate and safe-net of support to run to where he, in turn, offers the “friend” an escape from her miserable life.
The female “enabler” doesn’t hold him accountable for his inconsistent and scattered-life and the stories that he tells that doesn’t make sense. Only the intimate partner holds him accountable and he can NEVER be held accountable: He is a Narcissist and gets to do what ever he wants, whenever he wants, and the people that he hurts or lets down better not say a thing.
He is never accountable…he never evolves…he never has true and lasting love…but he does have co-dependent female “friends” (some male co-dependent “friends” too) lingering around waiting for his most recent intimate relationship to fall apart so they can get off on the drama and have their “favor-doer” and “tab-picker-upper” back full-time…and he is redeemed from the harm he caused to the last intimate partner.
Be very cautious of anyone that claims to have an excess amount of “friends” of the opposite sex.
A true female/male friendship, where one is not benefiting or expecting that sexual-intimacy will eventually develop, is extremely rare.
Lynna – Author of “My Sociopath”
Originally published on Facebook, “My Sociopath,” January 23, 2015
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