It’s a misnomer that narcissists/sociopaths do not love. They love intensely … but it’s not a love that most of us know of, or understand – it’s not a love of responsibility, accountability, loyalty, or partnership. A narcissist’s version of love is the fantasy-idealization stage. This is where they believe they met the person of their dreams who will forever fulfill their life needs. What this actually means is: Another person that will forever cater to the narcissist’s intense emotional and mental needs by being constantly compliant, attentive, nurturing, giving, soothing … basically a person that will be a mind-reading caretaker. Narcissists are attracted to nurse aides, teachers, and caretakers.
Narcissists cannot self-soothe, self-satiate, self-fulfill, or build their own sense-of-self through hard work and discipline. It’s the admiring and validating reflection of others that energizes a narcissist. In the beginning stages of a relationship – we are fawning all over the narcissist’s image personified – and we are also portraying ourselves as ‘the best, unconditional loving, and most compliantly loving woman and caretaker he will ever have.’ This is also known as the honeymoon period and both parties participate in this fantasy.
Narcissists are in love in this beginning period of the relationship – their version of love, ah hum, lust, and they do believe that we will be their Fairytale Princess who will complete their lives … forever. But a narcissist doesn’t want to deal with reality – the ups-and-downs of a relationship – the partnership aspect of a relationship – the get-down-and-dirty, work, build, and sacrifice part of a relationship. Narcissists haven’t emotionally developed beyond a 3-year-old playing in a sandbox, grabbing the shovel from the little girl, and putting a dramatic show on until all the mothers on the playground pay attention to him only, and are forced – out of social awkwardness – to tell him and his mother how cute he is. Narcissists believe that they get to do what they want to do, when they want to do it, and still have a ‘relationship,’ or should I say, still have a nice, compliant, and doting woman waiting for him at home.
When real life and real responsibility sets into his current relationship, the narcissist-sociopath re-creates another fantasy-idealized partner that will be his ‘fix.’ This idealized-image can be anyone: a co-worker, someone on Facebook, a neighbor, his current partner’s friend or sister. It’s a repeat of his delusional mind-programming: The next woman, a new woman, will be the perfect lover, angelic kitchen goddess, and caretaker; she will be his soulmate; she will fill his void. It was always the sociopath or narcissist in my life that told me – soon after meeting me – that he believed me to be his soulmate; but in strange contrast – me, being a woman and all – never talked such foolishness. The narcissist-sociopath believes himself to be fourteen and his fantasy-idealized girl will be all food, f*cks, fun; no responsibility, no hard work, no sacrifice, no equality. The narcissist lives for the honeymoon period; this is where he is the happiest and most energetic.
I don’t believe that the narcissist-sociopath sets out to be abusive; but to the contrary, he sets out to be that Knight on The Whitehorse. In fact, most, if not all, narcissists see themselves as good and loving human beings. But because the narcissist-sociopath lacks basic human qualities of an evolved and mature man such as possessing integrity, character, loyalty, focus, discipline, and the ability to delay gratification, he destroys everything he touches – including his once fantasy-idealized princess. Soon after the love-bombing, honeymoon period, lust stage goes away, and real life and real responsibility sets in, the narcissist grows bored and needs his next ‘fix;’ a new and adoring ‘princess.’
When the narcissist-sociopath devalues his current partner and relationship, and fantasy-idealizes another person, he becomes abusive to his current partner. In his delusional mind, he blames his current target for destroying his ‘perfect life of food, f*cks, and fun.’ To take this a step further: The narcissist believes he is entitled to a life of food, f*cks, and fun – and a willing partner that will happily – without saying a word and without asking for anything – go along with this lifestyle.
Let’s face it: When he is love-bombing us, we’re playing the role of the happy, smiling, doting, cool and accepting, little girl standing in the corner and compliantly worshiping our big, hero man with a huge and fantastic penis. So, in a way, we too pulled the rug out from under the narcissist’s belief that we were his perfect, quiet and sacrificing princess. I mean come on, we’re tired and worn out from catering to all his baby brat needs and soothing away all his emotional mind-fuckery trickery. (I digressed with the “fantastic penis” add in, but allow me to digress even further: most narcissists don’t have great sexual prowess – we only believe they do because we’re being love-bombed by our White Knight; and if they do, by chance, have anything spectacular going on down there: it’s dirty!).
I believe the narcissist-sociopath is a love-addict and his abusive nature sets in when his fantasy-idealization delusion of ‘the perfect love’ is shattered. As many of us already know, many narcissists are sex-addicts, but in this realization, we didn’t think further in that many sex-addicts are also love-addicts. But the thing is, they don’t have the ability to keep loving relationships going because they’re not loyal or trustworthy, and they’re prone to boredom, and they have no ability to delay gratification and self-soothe. I believe narcissists and sociopaths desperately want love, but have no evolutionary skills to obtain it (heck, they don’t even have a moral compass).
A narcissist wants and craves in us the unconditional love of a mother but does such horrible things that a truly loving ‘mother’ would beat the sh*t out of him and thus, do a service for the well-being of humanity.
Narcissists and sociopaths turn abusive after the idealization stage of the honeymoon period is over. During the love-bombing stage, well, they’re not only very loving, but they believe in love. But it’s not an adult concept of real and enduring love; it’s a fun and f*ck love. When the narcissist half wakes-up from his delusion of fantasy, Fairytale Love, and has to be accountable and responsible, he becomes abusive to the target in place. The narcissist devalues and discards as a way to not only preserve his fragile ego and masked sense-of-self, but to balk at another ruined relationship and to give himself permission to seek refuge, solace, and redemption in the ‘love’ of yet another perfect and idealized image of ‘love.’
Lynna, Author of the book, “My Sociopath”
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Image Credit: Picasso’s ‘Head of a Woman’ (1960) ©2014 SUCCESSION PICASSO/ARTIST RIGHTS SOCIETY (ARS), NEW YORK