Narcissists and sociopaths Fantasy Idealize. They have to live in a perpetual state of the honeymoon period where everything is fun, f*cking, and eating; no responsibility, protection, loyalty, stability toward the other person is required; it’s all lust and infatuation – though both parties believe this to be love.
At this stage, the narcissist has no financial or moral responsibility toward the target. The narcissist’s elaborate and inappropriate gift-giving at the beginning of the relationship doesn’t count as ‘financial or shared responsibility with a partner.’ He is foolishly and elaborately spending money on her to not only seduce and manipulate her, but to capture her. As far as “moral responsibility” goes, it’s easy to be faithful to someone during the exhilarating fun, f*ck, and eat stage. He is at the ‘start line’ of the race and the real marathon, the hard work, has yet to begin.
The beginning of a relationship is where the narcissist-sociopath is on his extreme dopamine high and his energy, stamina, and hopefulness is at its highest and most powerful. The narcissist feels like Superman when he is cultivating and manipulating new supply to love, f*ck, and adore him. This usually comes as a new, or ‘pure source’ of love. Though the narcissist will return to former partners to love-bomb them all over again, it’s never at the same intensity as the first love-bombing session. Previous targets are not so quick to blindly worship the narcissist because they know, or at the least, partly understand, who the narcissist is behind the mask.
I must explain what a “pure source” is: A new person that is struck down by her own Fantasy Idealization (it takes two to Fantasy Idealize) of someone whom she just met. She believes that she just met her Superman, her White Knight. She can’t believe her luck because before him, her life was lackluster, desperately dismal and difficult. He is mirroring her – giving her everything she ever wanted or needed – to cultivate her into being his magical-elixir that will satiate him, fill his void, and complete him. In this new relationship, she is worshiping him, idealizing him, fawning over him, obsessing over him, pleasing him, and obeying him; she is playing her own part in the Fantasy Idealization game. She believes that this quick lust, love-bombing, and infatuation is real love and he is the White Knight that she not only deserves, but has been waiting for.
There is no discord, as of yet, in this new, fantasy, perfect love relationship. There is no holding him accountable or responsible; no real life. They are like playmates on the playground playing doctor. Mr. Oh, who is featured in my book, said to me, “When you spend the night in my room, I feel like I’m six years old again, camping in my room with my little girlfriend who lived next door.” Narcissists want us to be their childhood ‘girlfriend’ from their 1st grade class, or neighborhood; all fun and no responsibility.
Since the narcissist has no ability to self-satiate, self-soothe, self-regulate, and self-reward himself through his own independent and higher-level focused and goal-oriented work, this fantasy-obsession relationship is his reward, his ‘trophy’ to prove that he is the most powerful of all male specimens – with the most powerful of all penises – and thus, he is indeed Superman or a White Knight. Most narcissists and sociopaths are also sex-addicts.
This stage is where our outer appearance is Fantasy Idealized as well. In his eyes, we are the most beautiful woman in the world because we are a reflection of him. He believes himself to be the most handsome, so of course, he only gets the most beautiful women. I suppose this is good for our self-esteem, but this will only serve our egos well during the Fantasy Idealization stage; upon being devalued and discarded, we will hate ourselves even more than we did before he came along.
When the chase, the hunt, is over for the narcissist – when he captured us and got us under his control – when he’s unraveled all layers of our mystique and we are no longer a mystery to be had, obtained and mastered – when life becomes rote and routine with us – the narcissist finds us less desirable in not only looks, but overall. We are now a ‘tainted source’. He starts to see our flaws; though these same “flaws” may not be flaws at all in the eyes of someone who is of a healthier mindset.
As his boredom takes over, we do not only become less desirable, but he will find most everyone else, within reason, more attractive (though they may not be attractive at all). He may still have sex with us but he is thinking about other potential targets to be conquered. He’s returned to his own Fantasy Idealized world. But let’s not forget: We also Fantasy Idealized him and his looks when he was love-bombing us into the stars. It’s not until we begin to recover from the trauma, that we see him as both a terrible person and unattractive, and think, what on earth was I thinking?
As further explained in my book: Most narcissists are not the most attractive people. The stereotypical tall, dark, handsome narcissist with the chiseled features that immediately comes to mind is a creation of Hollywood movies. Most narcissists struggle with an inferiority complex and thus, learned to compensate by manipulating, conning, cultivating, and seducing others to like them. Whereas healthier-minded people try to develop themselves to their highest potentials in order to attract healthy relationships, the narcissist cultivates, manages, and manipulates how others feel about him and perceive him. In essence, they mirror us, so that we mirror them back; so that we fawn all over them, and soothe and satiate their inferiority and emptiness.
When the narcissist-sociopath is not in the honeymoon high, he is prone to feeling bored, lethargic, de-energized, and unmotivated. Mr. Oh told me that he has gone through bouts of depression. I found this hard to believe because he’s the manic, fun loving, entertaining, town predator who is always chasing and paying for people’s attention, sex, and fawning (dinners and entertainment). He believes that he has regained his fleeting self-worth when he gets a woman to worship and adore him, have sex with him, and be impressed by his penis size. Upon further investigation, I discovered that his so-called bouts of depression coincide with the ‘empty spaces’ in his life between cultivating someone – making someone fall in love with him – or when a woman isn’t fawning over his penis size and sexual prowess; when he’s not experiencing a new romance or having that wild and new sex.
I have been using the word “cultivate” throughout this writing because it is the perfect terminology to describe what a narcissist – an emotional and sexual predator – does to gain new supply and flying monkeys. He cultivates people to love and adore him because in this, he finds temporary relief from his detached soul – his emptiness – his void. Narcissists are incomplete humans until we come along to swoon over them and make them feel whole again – to feel worthy; the unconditional love of a mother.
The narcissist seeks the unconditional love of a mother even though his behaviors toward us are cruel and abusive; he still expects our love, loyalty, and dedication. He’s not loyal to us – or others – but he expects loyalty toward him. Despite the claims of other writers that the narcissist-sociopath plots, plans, and knows that he’s destroying us, I don’t agree with this. The narcissist, like most of us, is in an automatic-programming for survival. However, his ‘programming’ is bad (for lack of better words). Likely caused by childhood neglect and abuse, or the extreme opposite, childhood entitlement.
The main influence for his toxic dysfunction was his mother: Mother’s Emotional Body (coined in my book, “My Sociopath”). For instance, I don’t plan out my emotional reactions toward many of my life situations; for the most part, I react out of lifelong conditioning and habit that was learned in childhood – from my mother. My mother has similar emotional reactions and coping-skills toward most of her life situations and the people in her surroundings as I do. Going on this, I don’t believe that the narcissist understands that he is a destroyer. He rationalizes away most of his harmful behaviors as he was the one being slighted, or mistreated, and he needed to defend or preserve himself. Perhaps he realizes his most detrimental acts, but it’s still likely that he dismisses away their full and destructive impact on others.
It’s our glowing-reflection upon the narcissist that determines his current mindset; the fact that he has manipulated and staged our perception of him doesn’t matter. I can feel contentment when taking my dog for a joyful and peaceful walk; narcissists cannot find this same contentment because the trail, the sidewalk, the path, the trees aren’t going to applaud him on, fawn over him and worship him, compliment his penis or prowess, tell him how handsome and sexy he is, or moan with ecstasy during love-making (even fake ecstasy sounds – the narcissist does not care).
I learned to use the word “cultivate” from Mr. Oh. I discovered lists, many lists, of women’s names in his possession. They were random women: women at his job in a popular Southern California grocery store; women in his neighborhood; women he saw in yoga classes; waitresses and barmaids; hundreds of names. All names contained the underlining and unspoken hope, the Fantasy Idealization, that she, or perhaps her, would be his magical-elixir, his Ultimate Doting, Obeying, Fawning, Sex, Kitchen, House-Cleaning and Mothering Goddess.
One or more of these names, on one or more of these lists, would surely fix him, make him feel more complete, take away all his loneliness and fill his void, and be his mother’s unconditional love. In return, he’d just have to provide a penis, some semblance to a man – an authoritative and controlling air, perhaps a bit of a ‘bad boy’ tone to it, and some food and shelter; but he would still be able to do whatever he wanted to do, whenever he wanted to do it. Of course, he’s not actually mentally thinking through all this, and he’s on his best and most ‘loyal’ behavior during the love-bombing – because he really does believe in the White Knight and Damsel in Distress fantasy. A narcissist-sociopath never emotionally and mentally matures beyond 6-year-olds camping in his bedroom.
Narcissists want to be in a relationship and yet, they soon want to play the ‘relationship game’ by their own rules; rules which we know nothing about and rules which have nothing to do with a relationship anyway. Basically, the rules are, or the rule is: He gets to feed, flatter, f*ck, cultivate, and seduce most anyone – of course, they’re all just “friends” – to satiate his f*cked-up mess of an ego, and we are expected to be loyal, smiling, and doting throughout.
Putting all my findings together, I remembered that Mr. Oh told me that he puts women up to the “Two second test.” If a woman looks at him – meets his eyes – for more than two seconds, then he believes that she finds him attractive. Mr. Oh’s ‘test’ is scary because I often look at men whom I feel sorry for, or I just want to show a bit of human kindness toward, or perhaps, I’m just looking in an unconscious direction. Yes, Mr. Oh is the town’s sexual and emotional predator, a serial cultivator, relationship jumper, love-bomber and then destroyer, but he also fits the stereotypical definition of a narcissist: a person who is obsessed with their own looks – their own image; they feel superior in looks, intelligence, and in power to the rest of us … The God Complex.
Mr. Oh’s “Two second test” is a way in which he gauges his worth – his attractiveness, power and superiority – to ensure that he can continue to successfully manipulate and control his external environment (people and situations). The narcissist-sociopath has no internal control for delayed gratification in order to achieve a fundamentally better and stronger life with real and healthy relationships and accomplishments – or to obtain a safe and steady foundation for himself and those who are closest to him – so everything he does is a means to manage and manipulate the perception that others see of him.
I once said to Mr. Oh, “All you do is love-bomb people … you go from one love-bombing relationship to the next.” He replied, “But that’s where it’s the most fun.” Yes, Mr. Oh does have a point. However, as we grow, mature, and evolve we realize that there is also “fun” in building a real, solid, safe, secure, and flourishing foundation and life with another person who we are largely compatible with and can show lasting kindness and mutual respect toward. This is known as our evolution as humans, or even just plain ol’ maturity. However, narcissists-sociopaths don’t evolve, nor do they ever mature. They all stay within the same mentality as Mr. Oh’s “little six-year-old neighborhood girlfriend camping overnight in his bedroom.”
Stability does not equate to boredom; that is only in the eyes of the sociopath. Stability in many of life’s important aspects (financial; protection of your partner, family, home, and everyone’s future), lessens the chances of suffering mothers and their children and pets, and keeps these same individuals out of poverty, dysfunction, mental illness, and misery; as well as better assuring that the younger generation does not repeat this same toxic dysfunctional pattern. You will never have peace, safety, wellness, or stability with a narcissist or sociopath.
But most of all, we must put our own egos aside to intelligently question any person that seems too into us, too quickly, without even knowing who we really are. It feels good to be idealized, love-bombed, and to be “The Chosen,” but everything in life comes at a cost; nothing ever comes for free (forgive the cliche). Mr. Oh targets just about anyone but it’s the older woman who is lonely, struggling, desperate for love and attention, and who is newly divorced that succumbs quicker and easier to his seductions. We all want to be loved and taken care of, but we all need to be smarter and realize that we must first take care of, and protect ourselves, and our loved ones.
Contact me for your promotional-rate phone consultation on how to deal with a relationship with a narcissist, or the trauma you are suffering because of a relationship with a narcissist or sociopath.
Lynna, Author of the book, “My Sociopath”