A main ingredient to the narcissist’s great skill of survival is his power to control his environment. What do I mean calling this a great survival skill? After all, anyone of us that has been through an intimate relationship with a narcissist is traumatized by the thought of what he did to us – in particular, the cruel discard and how he immediately moved on to his next ego source without giving us so much as a thought.
But how is he able to immediately move on, appear innocent and still have his supporters? Most of his family is still by his side and not to mention, his supporters and enablers are still “liking” the insane pictures he is neurotically splattering all over Facebook of himself with his supposed “new love.” Aren’t people seeing the freak-show in that he was just with YOU the other day and now he found the “most amazing woman in the world” …again…according to him?
One of the ways he accomplishes this is through Ingratiating. Ingratiating is a powerful tool in the narcissist’s arsenal and it is used to control and manipulate others in his/her environment. They ingratiate themselves to most everyone.
Ingratiate is defined as: bring oneself into favor with someone by flattering or trying to please them. (This does NOT hold true for the person with more psychopathic traits: these people are not as refined in their manipulation, nor as covert, and are more likely to manifest hatred, unlike the sociopath or narcissist.)
Here are some “Hows” and “Whys” to his Ingratiating:
Ingratiate The Target’s Support Network; Her Family, Friends:
How? He is overly giving, helpful and nice to her social network. He makes himself appear as the best guy that she’s ever had. In addition, he acts tired, exhausted, martyred in that he has to do so much for her …THEIR family member…THEIR friend…He is the innocent, sacrificing, suffering that has to be the one that “helps” her.
Why? By taking control over her social environment, when things turn bad between them, he is supported and she is isolated and ostracized. This leaves her alone, feeling crazy and afraid because she is the only one that sees the truth in who he really is.
She is considered not credible and cannot defend herself. The more she defends herself, the crazier she looks.
When things get really bad, or when she starts putting up a fight against his destruction, he has laid the foundation to outright smear her.
Ingratiate His Co-workers and Bosses:
How? He is the guy at work that is always bringing food in, doing the favors for the bosses, working off the clock and is always telling everyone his Woe Is Me stories about being “unlucky in love” and “in a bad relationship.”
Why? He is NOT a hard and solid worker that can survive off his merit and character so he builds a niche for himself in the workplace: “The nice guy that’s generous, giving, helping everyone but always down on his luck.”
He creates his own job security; he is a non-threat, a socially awkward guy that can’t get laid. Women can’t understand why such a “great man” can’t get a woman, feel sorry for him, let down their guard in the belief that he is safe and stable, and this creates a Sex and/or Relationship Circle for him in the workplace.
Ingratiate The Target’s Neighbors:
How? He is the nice, cheerful neighbor that gets along with everyone.
Why? When she starts screaming because of the confusion, chaos and gaslighting he causes, and the neighbors start becoming aware of the troubles in their home…he can face the neighbors with confidence and receive their support.
He presents a down-trodden look of concern and confusion regarding the out-of-control spouse that he has to put up with. The neighbors sympathize with him and as a result, isolate her. She becomes too embarrassed to show her face and retreats inside the house. She avoids neighborly interaction and even resorts to only leaving the house when the neighbors are not around.
This is what he wants: In addition to controlling her freedom of movement, he now controls the freedom of her psyche…and in and around the one place that is supposed to be her safe-haven.
Sociopaths don’t want you to be happy and this includes making you feel unsafe and unloved in your environment.
And he successfully manufactured an insidious alliance with his neighbors: He is the beloved neighbor that’s cruelly abused. He must be the most liked amongst everyone, including your neighbors.
Ingratiate the people on social media:
How? Always “liking” everyone’s posts. Excessively posting how fortunate he is and how much he is loved.
Example: He loses his current job and destroys another relationship. He volunteers at a spiritual retreat center and gives the impression that it is a paying job and conveniently, as well, found a new, great relationship.
Post images of himself at crowded events, concerts or in bars with people that he barely knows.
Why? Seeking cruel revenge on his former target. He’s a sadistic show-off and wants to torment his ex that he is happy and prospering without her.
Though he did everything to drive his last target away, he does not want her to ever be, again, an autonomous human being who moves on to be free and happy. He must remain the center of her existence. He torments former targets via social media.
Also, When he destroys another target, he can quickly and easily move on to someone else that he’s been ingratiating on social media.
He has built up a superficial image of a trusting and socially accepted person. The pictures of his “job” at the retreat center gives the impression that he is a stable, solid, and loved man and by an exclusive clientele. Not to mention, being involved with a spiritual place proves he is a kind and innocent victim of bad women. This covers up his inability to maintain a relationship, or a job, and in addition, puts him in a “spiritual light.”
The images that he displays with other people and his new, great relationship partner is to prove that he’s worthy of love and thus, the former partner was the bad one…the wrong one…the socially-rejected one.
Sociopaths are superficial and all the matters is IMAGE…IMAGE of people surrounding him. He does not ever achieve anything REAL in life, anything that requires individual hard work and creativity, because he is only ignited to feel energized through superficial approval and acceptance by People. He is the one that is picking up the tab to be included in these superficial picture-shows that will be used on social media.
Ingratiate His Exes:
How? Doing favors; offering a “listening and sympathetic ear;” taking them out for dinner and lunches…all the appearances of dating and being their ‘friend’ and confidant; and seeking pity for his current bad relationship.
He keeps exes in his back pocket for when his current lustful, love-bombing period dies down or for when he realizes his current target is a real human being who expects a real and trustworthy relationship and that she is not just a sex-toy, that also plays ‘mother’ and doting care-taker.
His quick, fanciful and delusional image that his current target is both “mommy caretaker and sex goddess” fades away so he manipulates his exes back around to fill his mass void.
Why? He cannot be alone. He must be in a “relationship” for his life energy, for his identity, for the survival of his ego. His entire low-level ego-image depends upon being in a relationship with another person who is ‘loving’ him, who is paying attention to him. He cannot build or create anything REAL from within himself.
His entire sense of existence depends upon whom he’s in a relationship with…how quickly he went from one relationship into the next. There cannot be any downtime between relationships because this represents death to his self, to his image…he must constantly create the external representation that he is loved and accepted by another human being. He cannot create anything else of significance.
He is Paper Mache only.
He keeps exes around, in his back pocket, for when his superficial and meaningless honeymoon period dissolves with his current target, and for when this current target expects him to be responsible, trustworthy and loyal, or for when he simply grows bored with her. For what ever reason, he uses exes for sexual stimulation and ego-strokes when not on this “high” with his primary target.
Exes are used as transitional ego-sources between primary ego-sources.
(“He” used for simplicity of writing. This article applies to female narcissists/sociopaths as well.)
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