He is an Actor on a Stage and we are his Different Props for his Different Scenes
I’ve been struggling for a few years now in not fully understanding how these people exist in such abundance. I then came up with this: Narcissists can NOT be real, authentic, genuine human beings so they learned to be ACTORS! They run off of a Script.
But why can’t Narcissist’s be REAL? I wrote this in my book and coined the following term: Something happened to stunt their normal development past 2-3 years old and it connects to their “Mother’s Emotional Body.” In other words, his mother failed to emotionally and physically bond with him in a healthy-way that included creating sound boundaries (emotional & physical) and role-modeling healthy emotional behaviors in his environment:
She was either neglectful, abusive, over-indulging (made him her “little boyfriend”), or a combination of these, meaning unstable and inconsistent in her own emotional energy and in her message toward him. The result, several years down the road: a man-boy that forever seeks “mother’s” love, acceptance, approval, applause, accolades, validation – his completeness. He learned to survive by being an Actor…an Actor seeking Applause (Kivela, My Sociopath, Ch. 10).
He feels that in order to be loved in this crazy and unpredictable world, he must meet everyone’s approval. (For more on this please find My Sociopath on sale through Amazon: Ch. 8, “The Narcissist & People-Pleasing & Emotional Obsessions.”)
He is an Actor on a Stage and we are nothing more than Props for his different Scenes
- Actor: The Narcissist
- Script: “The Victim”: Lies, denials, excuses, turning-the-tables, leaving out important details
- Stage: What the rest of us calls “real life”
- Scenes: Relationships (romantic, friends; family; acquaintances; co-workers; neighbors)
- Props: Other human beings; aka, Ego-Supply and Applauding Audience
This explains everything!
1. Love-bomb us one day, leave without a care, love-bomb someone else the next day.
Love-bombing is his Premier; where the spotlight is upon him, he is at his grandest and where he is receiving the loudest applause. Narcissists receive their energy through idealization or when he believes he has met “mother,” care-taker, diva, goddess. The love-bombing period is the ultimate time for fun and where both parties are wearing their best costumes and running their best Scripts.
His Props change according to the Scene: If Prop Jane calls him out on something, hence making his Act, Stage, Scene look bad, he switches her out for Prop Ann in order to create a new Scene…to receive a new bright spotlight and new applause. Props are mere background enhancements for different dramatic Scenes.
2. Lie, Deny, Invalidate You, Invalidate Everything
Being a good actor requires an uncanny ability to lose who you really are and to become someone else in a way that convinces…essentially…lying. Actors cannot break from character.
Let’s go back in that sentence to dissect a very profound point: “ability to lose who you really are.” Narcissists don’t know who they really are, actually they are NO ONE (they are who their current target is – referred to as mirroring), so they are Master Actors because they have no core identity to begin with.
He cannot validate anything because that would bring him into reality and narcissists do not live in REALITY. If he were to validate anything or anyone the result would be that he would have to take responsibility, admit to blame, and on occasion, even apologize. All this would be genuine and authentic and narcissists cannot be genuine or authentic…they do NOT have a center, a core-way of being, to access for genuineness.
He lives within an Act and he runs off of a Script.
When he becomes trapped in too many lies, he simply exits Stage Left.
3. Gaslight, Triangulate, Smear
All Actors want the Lead Role.
He gaslights a current or former target that calls him out on his Act because he must ensure that he stays in the Lead Role and in charge of the Scene. The gaslighting confuses her and throws her off balance, thus, he remains in charge of the Scene.
With others, he becomes the victim; the poor, little generous boy that’s in another bad relationship; that found another “crazy” woman. The Victim Role allows him to change the Scene – new relationships based upon pity – and to put more Props (people) in the corner of his Stage (“life” to the rest of us): Most everyone wants to rescue Victim Boy with Bad Woman. Not only this, herein comes “mother” and even “mothers” to save the little boy being “abused” by Bad Woman. Perfect Scene with perfectly placed Props.
He can also preserve his Lead Role, no matter the Scene, because he has successfully positioned many Props into co-dependent roles where these Props will always remain sitting in the corner of all his many BAD SCENES. These stand-in Props include his children and exes. This explains why the narcissist is prone to being used, exploited and taken advantage of: He does not care if the Prop sits in the corner, eating his food…as long as the Prop enhances his Bad Scene (e.g. destroying another intimate partner). Remember, he wants only shallowness.
None-the-less, he still throws these more consistent Props out with the old-stage as soon as a fresh, new Prop shows up to allow him to create a new and more exciting Scene.
4. Inability To Ever Be Alone
Actors “die” when not under the spotlight, capturing all the attention, applause, accolades and playing lead Role. If an Actor is not always in the spotlight, he is soon forgotten in the public consciousness and will be replaced by a newer and younger actor. Actors must CONTROL how others view them…their “public.”
Many narcissists suffer from depression. A narcissist’s “depression” is directly correlated with the amount of attention, applause and accolades (spotlight) he is receiving. Psychologists need to be aware of this.
If the primary intimate partner calls him out on too many things, and he grows exasperated by having to keep up his Script, and he cannot immediately land a new target, he goes into “depression.” If the narcissist is not under the spotlight glory of love-bombing, he loses his energy. This is where he returns to a former target…to place her back in the corner of an old Scene as an old Prop.
He re-creates old Scenes, using old Props, until he creates a new Scene with a new Prop.
The narcissist must always be in an Act, on Stage, and receiving applause. Anything other than this, is death to him.
5. Sex and Porn Addiction
Need I say more: special lighting, effects and make-up; fake body parts and fake orgasms with fake editing and photo-shopping. Many narcissists push their partners to sexual extremes because they internalize porn to be real and authentic.
Narcissists are in competition with the male porn-actors in the trying to give fake women, fake orgasms. Narcissists don’t even recognize fake…they live in a shallow illusion of fantasy fun and fake flattery.
He cannot tell the difference between real and fake orgasms because he himself has done nothing but act his entire life. This is why narcissists are attracted to other narcissists, borderlines, and histrionics. He creates shallow relationships and when things get serious, he flees to the next Scene.
The narcissist is nothing more than an ACTOR…he has no sense-of-self, no core-foundation, no identity. He morphs into the character that gets him the most applause. He is lost and miserable and must find his Stage and fill his Scene with just about any enhancing Prop. Without his Stage…he dies.
It is now up to us to decide if we want to continue being his Prop or obsessing over who his next Prop is…but in the end, none of it matters. He will always leave the Stage to find a new Scene with new Props…and, no matter the applause he receives on the night of his Premier…the curtain always comes down on him.