I first discovered that social and sexual predators live amongst us a few years ago, and they will socially, emotionally, and financially destroy us in the most covert and devastating of ways possible if we call them out on something or if we stop enabling them.
Before my landing into knowledge of Sociopaths, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and Borderline Personality Disorder, all that I knew was that I was magnetically drawn to bad, slightly creepy (the extent of their creepiness was only fully revealed to me close to the end of the relationship), older men that had a history of dysfunctional intimate relationships and strange emotional relationships with their mothers, and I was going to be the Great, Almighty, Ultra-Female Savior. I was, unbeknownst to me, seeking out my emotionally and physically abusive father. I always sacrificed myself, forgave the unforgivable way too many times, was loyal to the disloyal and trusted the untrustworthy…
I went down with the sinking ship as he bailed out, saved himself, and watched me drown. (This is more common with females that are abused and/or neglected in childhood and/or are co-dependent.)
Even in the end, after I was destroyed everywhere and in every way, I never believed he was that bad and perhaps everything was a misunderstanding.
Only in looking back now can I see that I was an emotional mess in trying to save the un-saveable. Only now, am I holding my self in-check as I behave with steadiness and with an air of keeping to the facts as someone does something devastating to me. Yes, I still attract bad men…bad people…but I am becoming smarter…if that’s possible in regards to what I just admitted:
I’m getting out quicker than ever before. Though still not quick enough. I am working on this. I still stay with a man after I catch him in lies or deception or treachery and employ my Teaching & Saving Methods with him. I have a hard time stopping myself…I am a natural teacher, a natural saver, and my degrees are in teaching. I “Teach” him when he is destroying me…not good, I know, but it’s a step up from being emotionally out-of-control and screaming as so many others are driven to do when provoked, smeared, betrayed, and gas-lighted by these soul-detached creatures.
I am no longer having over-reactions to treachery and deceptions. I’m used to it now. Perhaps this is not the most positive statement of the current “new age,” “spiritual” movement but it is reality and “spiritualism” is supposed to be real and authentic and not canned new-agey records playing out of people’s mouths. Instead, I am being a realistic voice in the world of treachery and for those who are harmed by social and sexual predators, exploiters and manipulators, deceivers and users, gas-lighters and shamers, bullies and social-smearers and destroyers…
Now, I am meeting with other victims of covert abusers that have been triangulated, smeared, isolated and portrayed as the “abuser” when trying to stop the real abuser from harming them further…the real abuser now portraying themselves as the ultimate “victim.” This is ugly stuff and we can be socially and financially ruined as a result and many of us stay stuck in this cycle, or repeat this cycle way too many times with way too many people. There is plenty circulating around on the Empath – Narcissist natural attraction and I will not repeat this concept here.
I now have a perspective from two angles: A person trying to help victims and a person that has been fighting her way out of bad, childhood programming and the resulting sick relationships that I attract and tolerate and the ultimate realization that I must retrain my emotions to be under my control and NOT in control of me.
Here is what I’ve come to discover and it is key to our survival:
We cannot look and act crazy ourselves!
I have met so many victims that act overly aggressive, mean, judgmental, hostile, out-of-control and crazy! I understand that this may be trauma and stress…I understand the chaos and confusion in our minds and spirits…but this is used against us and we play into society’s programming that “women are emotional nuts” and this allows predators to eat us alive even more. I know all this because this was me at one time and now I am seeing my former-self in others. Most importantly, when we are seeking help and resources people will not want to help us if we are agitated, aggressive (different from assertive) and angry.
WE DO NOT WANT TO LOOK OR ACT LIKE THE ABUSER!
I used to think that if I acted desperate enough people would believe in me and want to help me. This is not true. People will instead use our emotional displays against us and abandon us as a result.
The most important job I have in a world of predators that eat me alive (besides writing and helping those affected) is to NOT act crazy. This does NOT mean that we should not defend ourselves and advocate. Unfortunately we live in a sick world, of sick people, that use appropriate emotions for what happened to us, for what they themselves may do to us, against us, to throw the “crazy” word at us…to paint us on a social canvas as being “bad.” We cannot fall into this trap.
But how do we not act “crazy,” aka emotional, when we are being harmed, manipulated, lied to, betrayed, violated and socially ruined?
- Pretend that you are an actor! Just like the sociopath or narcissist does but we are doing it for the good…not for manipulation, control or power.
- Hold yourself steady and calm and explain what happened to you, or what is still happening to you, with dignity and grace.
- Detach from your emotions and go straight to your mental. You are moving your toxic energy away from your solar plexus and you are transferring it up into your mental intellect.
- Imagine yourself as an Observer, a Reporter and you are stating facts to inform, to enlighten, to educate, and to bring awareness to an issue.
- Control your speech, facial expressions and mannerisms.
- Do not act aggressive or hostile but instead act with pleasant self-assurance and confidence.
- Write eloquent and informative letters to appropriate agencies and send them off. State only facts and try to leave emotions out of it.
This is similar to my being a teacher. I am a teacher in real life but under harmful conditions, I have to remember to put my teacher-hat on and explain things in a way that I will not be looked at as the “crazy” one.
Just like with anything we learn…This takes training! I am a single-woman that lives in mentally-disturbed Southern California, Coastal, and it is sheer desperation and madness out here…everyone desperately chasing everyone…everyone using everyone for attention, stimulation, and gratification and I am in constant “training” to keep myself in check amongst the selfish-users and exploiters running the streets out there. I am truly in the Land of Narcissism. (Not that Southern Californian’s physical geography is mentally-disturbed, but you know what I mean.)
The above is imperative to do because when social annihilators are harming us, they act cold, detached, un-emotional, vacant, removed and count on us acting “crazy.” We then look like the “abuser” and they do look like the “victim.” We just played the perfect part in their sick game of power, control, smearing, sabotaging, social isolation, division, and triangulation.
In a perfect world it would be recognized that those who show appropriate emotions are the normal ones and those who show vacancy and detachment during stressful times are indeed the sick ones. But we do NOT live in a perfect world and this logical dynamic is twisted upside down.
This is how the disturbed and destructive people survive and are able to receive pity for being “victims” and villainize us as the “abusers:” They DON’T REACT….They PLAY DEAD…They wait for us to crumble. They have this game down to a science. They are NOT that smart but are Master Social Game Players and we need to learn to not fall into their trap.
If we can’t beat them, we must join them. However, we will not PLAY DEAD when evil walks amongst us…we will advocate, speak, write, seek help and guidance and we will do this in a deliberate and controlled manner…with grace and dignity. This is the only way we will survive…
image: Statue called Deliberation