I’ve been on my own since I turned 18. I came from an extremely abusive and neglectful home and have been in the “fight for my life” ever since. Unlike so many others that come from similar circumstances, I did not turn to drugs, alcohol, crime, whoring-around, prostitution or other destructive means of coping. Instead, I turned to education, animal rescue, environmental work, being the perpetual advocate for everyone and everything, the study of philosophy and cultures, and just trying to be the “best, most innocent and non-threatening little girl” in the world. Yes, I had to be worthy of my existence (because I was “tainted”) by always achieving, doing, growing, being “better,” doing more…It’s endless, really.
Unbeknownst to me, until recently, I was seeking “daddy.” I wanted a man to take care of me as much as I took care of him, myself and everything else. The much older, Turkish Professor that picked me up at college would surely take care of me. He was tall, dark, and what some women would consider “handsome.” Though, I would later realize he was what many of the “hardened” and sluts would consider “handsome” because he has the “predator” stare and look. I, on the other hand, mistook the “predator” stare for “protection.” He subconsciously reminded me of my controlling and abusive father. However, I worked like a “slave” to be in the graced presence (according to his ego) of this much older man that was so much “better” than I. I was tainted, defective, lesser-than this Old Professor. Yes, a reverse of psychological logic in any society of past or present: The older man cherishes, protects and takes care of the youth and goodness of the younger woman.
Fast forward 13-years and my walking away from this man too many times to remember and him pulling me back with grandiose promises that I wanted to believe. I finally rebounded to another Turkish man that had always been lingering around Turkish Professor and I. This Turkish man was shorter, fatter, balder and less attractive than Turk 1. He was also much older than I. But, he did not have the predator stare and he diverted his eyes as if he were shy. I would be safe with a Short, Fat, Unattractive, Older Turkish man with shy and diverted eyes. He later confided in me that he purposefully does the “shy, look-away” game with women to give them the impression that he is NOT interested. Women want men that don’t stare them down or drool over them.
Turk 2 would be My Sociopath that destroyed not only every aspect of the good that I gave him but every good that surrounded us. He destroyed his wife and daughter previously; but I was with Turk 1 at the time of witnessing this destruction, and I believed he was the “misunderstood, outcast.” My Sociopath was insecure regarding his Turkish looks and wanted to be considered French looking. He had difficulty in attracting women so he found women, like myself at the time, that was on the rebound from another relationship or just going through a difficult time and he would be our savior. He was a handyman and all women need their own handyman.
I rebounded from My Sociopath to an even Shorter, Fatter, Balder, More Unattractive Older Man. Surely, I’m getting even smarter because I’m going “lower,” “wider,” and even more “undesirable.” This man would be faithful and truthful and not only appreciate me but take care of my youth, beauty, education, intelligence, wit, humor, expansive mind…I’m getting closer to “safety.” He made me numerous lofty promises within the first week of knowing me.
This man had recently destroyed his family to pursue a 4′ Filipino Woman that was married and had multiple children by multiple men. Short, Fat, Bald, Unattractive, Older Man and this Filipino Woman were “soul mates” and of course she was not sleeping with her husband; and he was the victim of a horrible wife and unappreciative children and the Filipino Woman was going to “save him.” This all seemed plausible. Did I mention that I was “intelligent?” He confided in me that he liked Short, Filipino Nurses because they were submissive, care-takers. His wife was also a Short, Filipino Nurse.
But, why was I with him after all this Short, Filipino Nurse talk? He was getting revenge on the Short, Filipino Nurse “girlfriend” (not wife) for going on vacation with her husband. (Of course, she would never sleep with her husband; it was just the “vacationing” point of the matter). When he met me, I came across sweet and submissive. I wanted to be approved of and taken care of. I was non-demanding and non-assertive. I was non-threatening to The Short, Fat, Bald, Unattractive, Older Man. I was a tall, white version of a Short, Filipino Nurse. I was an advocate, a teacher, a care-taker, a people-pleaser that was still looking for “father.” I soon realized that Short, Fat, Bald, Unattractive, Older Man had the predator stare; but he had the cold, blue, sinister eyes unlike the brown eyes (purposefully diverted or penetrating) of the Turks.
I travelled down a long road of destructive relationships in trying to find “father” and being the perfect, sweet, non-demanding “daughter.” I have come to the end of these travels and have pulled all these experiences together and have come to a conclusion: The Short, Fat, Bald, Unattractive, Older Men might be the most lethal of all men. Why? They feel a deep sense of an inner inferiority and learned to be manipulative in order to control their outer surroundings. These men have suffered a life of bullying, ridicule, rejection, being overlooked for their taller and more handsome counterparts, and many of these men have to work harder to get in life what comes easier to those men with greater “endowments” (and in other “areas” not mentioned). Being born like this was not something they had control over; they could not stop the ridicule they experienced on the playground, in the neighborhood, in the classroom or within the family unit. Their lack of height and “good looks” was mentioned to them by siblings and their parents treated them differently from their taller, better looking family members.
These shorter guys (they don’t go bald until later in life) had no control over their second-class treatment and of a life-time of feeling inferior. Controlling 4′ Filipino Nurses is easy. (According to the group of Filipino women that I hang out with at my gym: Filipino women are trained by their mothers from a young age to only behave “submissively” until they gain control of the man’s life, home, and wallet. Certain types of people find one another…”Birds of a feather…”). Controlling me was even easier (I am truly submissive without wanting or expecting a man’s life, home, or wallet): I just wanted to find safety and be the perfect little “girl” for the “father” that I never had.
The lesson learned is to first find my own “safety” before I look for it in someone else; no matter how safe the “package” looks. Second lesson I learned is: Don’t act like a Filipino Woman unless I actually get “something” out of the deal (Thank you Emilita: My Filipino friend at the gym).
Lynna, My Sociopath – Struck by A Sociopath