Light Source, Life Source

light-in-darknessIf you are feeling angry or hurt by the harmful actions of someone with a destructive personality disorder (sociopath, narcissist, borderline), feel sorry for this person instead.

Think what it would be like to be someone that does not feel validated, energized or even fully alive unless someone else is feeding their ego.  To feel no inner-light driving you toward authentic acts of love, compassion, empathy, enlightenment, truth-seeking, mindfulness, and spiritual growth. When someone else is not in your range of attention, you are void, lost, helpless, empty…

You are a mere shell unless someone else is fueling your insatiable desire for stimulation.  You must seek the light of another human being just to feel alive and when this light source is gone, you must desperately seek a new source, any source. Every person that comes along is your fuel, your stimulation, a satiation for your emptiness, your light…everyone is a mere object to be used so that your darkness may temporarily crawl out from its long ago shadows.

You absorb every word that this person says to you, you do your own detective work…logging in, organizing everything into your computer-brain full of files so that you may fully dismember, dismantle, dissect this person’s life.  At a convenient time, you have all the excuses you need to fully destroy when this person no longer reflects back to you your insatiable ego needs…when your source fails to feed you to full gluttony and unwittingly does not direct their full light upon your dark and cold emptiness.

It’s as if you are looking in a mirror at this other human being that stands in front of you. You are defined by another person and how they look back at you, respond to you, the words they say to you, the tone in which they use these words, their facial expressions, the broadness of the smile on their face while in your presence…everything that radiates (or fails to radiate) from this human being makes or breaks your day.

You must control this person’s radiation…watch it, monitor it, spy on it at all times. It cannot be out of your sight because without it, you are nothing.  This person cannot radiate onto their own, or onto others, because you then feel slighted, and become aware of your own hollowness and lack of light.

You do not radiate, you do not shine from within; your spirit does not live, grow, thrive…you only live from another person’s light. When this light has finally burnt out, because of your constant shattering of heart and spirit, you recede back into shadows, dry up and die until you find another light source, another life source.

Lynna, My Sociopath – Struck by A Sociopath

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Author: My Sociopath

Oceanside, California

16 thoughts on “Light Source, Life Source”

  1. Dear Lynna,
    You have brilliantly described the truth of the sociopath and the life he has to lead. I spent two and a half years watching this every minute of every day being the light source and life source for this being. I am deeply compassionate and saw eventually that this is what was occurring. He destroyed my very being with his vampiric empty neediness. I gave and gave and gave till I finally saw what you have told here. Then, and only them, was I able to see this entity for what it was, detach with a certain spiritual understanding knowing that I would never ever be able to satisfy, fill, enrich, or be enough because he was this, this that you describe. Total detachment was necessary along with this understanding. It’s not feeling sorry for him because that just continues to feed the monster. For me it’s been complete detachment and refocusing my attention and care onto myself and my own life where there is truth and honesty and the reality of love instead of this monstrous need. Thank you for writing this!

    1. Hello Linda,

      Thank you as well for your great input. Yes, it is the “compassion” in us that tolerates so much dysfunction and all the while, we are slowly being destroyed.

      The people who destroy others, know what to look for in the person they are pursuing…and besides “compassion,” it’s yielding, loose boundaries, low self-esteem, the woman (some cases man) has recently been through another shattering life-experience and therefore are vulnerable or weakened, kindness, and innocence…and yes again, all to fill their “monstrous needs” that will never be satiated.
      We are all objects to be used for their pleasure.

      I am happy to hear that you are completely detached and taking care of yourself. Along with taking care of our mental and spiritual health, I find that working out at the gym and then sweating it all out in the hot sauna room is life-saving! xxoo

      Lynna

      1. Xoxo to you too! Yes!, I totally resonate with your words. Our strength and ability to feel deeply and completely can now be turned to joy! At the gym, in the healing sauna, in our meditations of light and freedom and in our very new dreams of a life with our own hearts filled from the inside of us. I look forward to your posts. Also,Thank you to Paula for reposting your blog on Paula’s Pontifications!

      2. I so second what each of your are saying about our sense of “compassion” in regards to these individuals. We sense their wounds, and being who we are, we are empathetic, hopeful, and supportive. We don’t realize the black pit of darkness in which they live. Where we see love and light, they see desperation. Thanks for your great words.

      3. Dear Kimberly:

        Your description is right on: “we sense their wounds…black pit of darkness…”
        I have been like this my entire life, even as a little girl, I would go back out into my backyard woods and try to save all the injured animals, I would seek out the bullied-kid in the neighborhood and tell him/her how “special” they were…I would then try to “counsel” the bully on how to be “nice.”
        I was an “odd” little girl (lol).

        In adult-hood, I’ve been used and taken advantage of more times than I can remember. It still happens all the time!

        Some moments I think to myself: Hell with it all, I’m gonna be a “user” just like everyone else and start looking out for myself. But then I see how sad, lonely, and miserable most everyone is. I then realize, that I am a truly a happy person filled with joy.

        Sure, I get knocked down a lot! I retreat and lick my wounds…but in the end I come back with my spirit and light in-tack and the person that used me or took advantage of my kindness is just as lonely and miserable as they were when they sought me out for their advantage.

        What I’m trying to say: We need to keep shining through our generous heart and spirit, sure we will hit some “bumps” in the road, there will always be people that take advantage of us to temporarily fill their “black pit,” but in the end, we continue to shine and the user just grows more dim.

        Thank you for your support.xoxo

        Lynna

      4. Dear Kimberly:Your description is right on: we sense their wondus black pit of darkness I have been like this my entire life, even as a little girl, I would go back out into my backyard woods and try to save all the injured animals, I would seek out the bullied-kid in the neighborhood and tell him/her how special they were I would then try to counsel the bully on how to be nice. I was an odd little girl (lol).In adult-hood, I’ve been used and taken advantage of more times than I can remember. It still happens all the time!Some moments I think to myself: Hell with it all, I’m gonna be a user just like everyone else and start looking out for myself. But then I see how sad, lonely, and miserable most everyone is. I then realize, that I am a truly a happy person filled with joy. Sure, I get knocked down a lot! I retreat and lick my wondus but in the end I come back with my spirit and light in-tack and the person that used me or took advantage of my kindness is just as lonely and miserable as they were when they sought me out for their advantage. What I’m trying to say: We need to keep shining through our generous heart and spirit, sure we will hit some bumps in the road, there will always be people that take advantage of us to temporarily fill their black pit, but in the end, we continue to shine and the user just grows more dim.Thank you for your support.xoxoLynna

  2. Hi Paula: I wrote this on FB (My Sociopath) to you, but Thank You for hanging in there for me when I gave up all my writings. You have always been there to push me along: )

    Yes, you are right when stating not to feel too sorry for them. I meant to feel sorry for their lack of empathy and sincere compassion, their inability to experience real-love (not just shallow, surface, meaningless, conditional feelings of “love’ or should I say feelings of lust to feed their ego…), never understanding real acceptance of another human being…I meant to feel sorry for the void that they are, the dark hole they feel inside of themselves unless someone comes along and superficially fills their darkness…but oh yes, always protect yourself.

    I am finally learning to protect myself. But it did take being hit by some more “Crazy,” yes, even after MS and when I was writing in full-force on FB… oh geeze: /

  3. Reblogged this on Paula's Pontifications and commented:
    It’s difficult to have much sympathy for the disordered person who has hurt you or who continues to hurt you. I always advise not to pity the narcissistic sociopath because it could lead us back to the co-dependency that allowed the abuse to last for as long as it did. Our strength is in our ability to empathize with these monsters. It really does help to move forward and live the life you were meant to live. Just don’t feel too sorry for them. After all, they are the ones who choose to be the way they are regardless of having been born with their disadvantages. Peace!! And thank you, Lynna!!

    1. Hi Paula,

      I meant to write this, but didn’t think I had to state what I thought was obvious…(lol), this post does not mean to literally feel sorry for the person who destroys or causes any harm to anyone in anyway.

      It is metaphorical writing. I thought that was very obvious but I think someone over at your blog is misunderstanding metaphorical writing (woops: )

      Lynna

      1. Hehe! It’s okay. Gert is VERY passionate (like the rest of us) about spreading awareness of sociopaths and other destructive personality disorders. I think your response to her was fair and she gets it. 🙂

      2. Oh I know, Pam. One of the girls in my local writers group makes and sells soaps. She has buogrht soaps and oils of the male scents most often associated with the Regency for me to smell. Cardamon and sandlewood are fabulous scents. Real bay rum is too. And I LOVE the smell of pipe tobacco. I have never smoked, but I have spent many an afternoon in a tobacco shop inhaling the different tobaccos. (The older of my two baby brothers smokes a pipe and I used the excuse that I am shopping for him.

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