Think what it would be like to be someone that does not feel validated, energized or even fully alive unless someone else is feeding their ego. To feel no inner-light driving you toward authentic acts of love, compassion, empathy, enlightenment, truth-seeking, mindfulness, and spiritual growth. When someone else is not in your range of attention, you are void, lost, helpless, empty…
You are a mere shell unless someone else is fueling your insatiable desire for stimulation. You must seek the light of another human being just to feel alive and when this light source is gone, you must desperately seek a new source, any source. Every person that comes along is your fuel, your stimulation, a satiation for your emptiness, your light…everyone is a mere object to be used so that your darkness may temporarily crawl out from its long ago shadows.
You absorb every word that this person says to you, you do your own detective work…logging in, organizing everything into your computer-brain full of files so that you may fully dismember, dismantle, dissect this person’s life. At a convenient time, you have all the excuses you need to fully destroy when this person no longer reflects back to you your insatiable ego needs…when your source fails to feed you to full gluttony and unwittingly does not direct their full light upon your dark and cold emptiness.
It’s as if you are looking in a mirror at this other human being that stands in front of you. You are defined by another person and how they look back at you, respond to you, the words they say to you, the tone in which they use these words, their facial expressions, the broadness of the smile on their face while in your presence…everything that radiates (or fails to radiate) from this human being makes or breaks your day.
You must control this person’s radiation…watch it, monitor it, spy on it at all times. It cannot be out of your sight because without it, you are nothing. This person cannot radiate onto their own, or onto others, because you then feel slighted, and become aware of your own hollowness and lack of light.
You do not radiate, you do not shine from within; your spirit does not live, grow, thrive…you only live from another person’s light. When this light has finally burnt out, because of your constant shattering of heart and spirit, you recede back into shadows, dry up and die until you find another light source, another life source.
Lynna, My Sociopath – Struck by A Sociopath